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Old 07-05-2014, 15:57   #1
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Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

We are about less than 6 months away from realizing my dream of cruising from Southern California down to Mexico and exploring the Sea of Cortez and mainland Mex. This dream started turning into reality when we bought a Tartan 30 about 3 years ago and cruised it on the weekends back and forth to Catalina Island. We decided that we wanted to prepare for a Mexico trip. We saved a good chunk of money, sold the Tartan and bought a cruise ready Islander 36.

This past month we took our Islander to the shipyard for bottom-paint, work on the propellor shaft/stuffing box and to check out the through-hulls and any other pertinent issues that we might find. What we were thinking was going to be a $3000 dollar trip turned into a $7500 dollar trip.

My wife is fed up with how much money we are hemorrhaging at this point. We still have the cruising kitty where we want it but she can't believe how much money we are blowing right now on this boat. She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go. I love my wife and would gladly sacrifice this dream for her but something tells me I can have both.

I feel like we are giving up right when we are closest to achieving our dream. Any suggestions?
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:03   #2
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Don't ever spend $7500 again in the boat yard. Learn how to do it yourself.
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:03   #3
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pirate Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Sell the boat and take up chartering...
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:07   #4
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Originally Posted by SlugmasterP View Post
We are about less than 6 months away from realizing my dream of cruising from Southern California down to Mexico and exploring the Sea of Cortez and mainland Mex. This dream started turning into reality when we bought a Tartan 30 about 3 years ago and cruised it on the weekends back and forth to Catalina Island. We decided that we wanted to prepare for a Mexico trip. We saved a good chunk of money, sold the Tartan and bought a cruise ready Islander 36.

This past month we took our Islander to the shipyard for bottom-paint, work on the propellor shaft/stuffing box and to check out the through-hulls and any other pertinent issues that we might find. What we were thinking was going to be a $3000 dollar trip turned into a $7500 dollar trip.

My wife is fed up with how much money we are hemorrhaging at this point. We still have the cruising kitty where we want it but she can't believe how much money we are blowing right now on this boat. She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go. I love my wife and would gladly sacrifice this dream for her but something tells me I can have both.

I feel like we are giving up right when we are closest to achieving our dream. Any suggestions?
First you said "my dream", and then you said "our dream".

When you get to the ultimatum stage, I think you'd better listen to your wife very, very carefully. When you have a strong idea in your head, it's very easy to mix up what someone is telling you.

I had a close fried who didn't listen carefully enough (though he thought he was), and he ended up losing his wife. He seemed very surprised, but when he told me the details, it was all spelled out over a long period of time.

Tread carefully, and make sure your priorities are in order. Most of all, make sure you're listening.
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:09   #5
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

To maintain a boat properly costs money. If your wife thinks it will be cheap or thought it would be cheap then she was not mentally prepared for the step up to a 36. If you have no more major issues like rigging or sails then let the wife cool down a bit and try to keep the dream alive. If the ultimatum continues then you have a serious choice to make. Maybe some of your friends would like to make the trip with you.
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:10   #6
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Increase the number of times you bring her a cup of tea or drink.
Massage her neck and shoulders from time to time.
She won't be fooled but will appreciate the effort.

If its a money issue and the mood is right tell her how much it costs to paint a house.
If its a moral issue tell her that you're doing your bit to reduce unemployment.
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:14   #7
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Bummer, sorry to hear about the potential for differences.

I just typed "wife" into the site search engine. There was a good retort to your issue that was NOT the typical "keep the boat" reply. You might be able to find it.

Doesn't help that you're not alone, but there have been happy endings.

Good luck.
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:28   #8
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Yeah but at least you are talking which is a good sign

My SO told me she was into it and shared the dream but then made weird little passive aggressive moves to kill the dream

insisted over my objections to a too expensive boat to start with; refused to move out of the one of the most most expensive marina's in the state of CA (redondo) because long beach or San Pedro was too far/scary

NEVER wanted to sail even though that was the whole damned point of moving to CA

And then eventually; like all or most couples we started bickering over priorities and money or lack thereof She made me sell my truck because we were paying insurance on a truck AND a motorcycle and then my insurance for just one vehicle went UP and I had no truck! And then I resented her for making me choose

So I mean she flatly refused to save $500 a month by moving the boat three miles and then relentlessly called me selfish for spending $100 in insurance for the motorcycle I loved (more than her) and then we fought about being broke

We were spending 1400/m on slip and $900 for mortgage she sold the boat to save money and currently spends 2200 on a mortgage by herself (I spend $330 a month and have 100k in the bank) so um...

But the bottom line is if you lose the wife you will probably also lose the boat AND the dream right too? It's the resentment you gotta avoid and even though I failed at it my advice is to talk to her very frankly about it and expose your own vulnerabilities you know? You gotta say how you feel and work it out otherwise resentment will build and kill the relationship (from either side)
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:40   #9
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

I wonder if there are more single cruisers than married cruisers?

Anyone doing polls?

I was cruising and liveaboard while a geographical bachelor. Then got a divorce because of a transfer to a different coast. I had to sell the boat because of the transfer too. So I was wifeless and boatless for five years. I then got a boat and got married but have never been a full time liveaboard or cruiser since. Seems like I could only do one or the other and not both.
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Old 07-05-2014, 16:52   #10
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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...She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go. I love my wife and would gladly sacrifice this dream for her but something tells me I can have both.
Slugo, pull your big boy pants up and set the agenda. If she says no tell her you're sorry but this your dream and if she doesn't want to be a part of it, so long. If you give in now you'll just regret the decision and she'll have your number.
Just do it!

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Old 07-05-2014, 17:00   #11
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Originally Posted by SlugmasterP View Post
We saved a good chunk of money, sold the Tartan and bought a cruise ready Islander 36.



This past month we took our Islander to the shipyard for bottom-paint, work on the propellor shaft/stuffing box and to check out the through-hulls and any other pertinent issues that we might find. What we were thinking was going to be a $3000 dollar trip turned into a $7500 dollar trip.

A good lesson (expensive) to learn, rarely is "Cruise ready" truly cruise ready. Sorry to hear of your troubles. Think she'll buy the argument that at least the tacos will be cheap once you get there?
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Old 07-05-2014, 17:18   #12
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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If its a money issue and the mood is right tell her how much it costs to paint a house.
I don't know about your financial position, but there are answers if it is a passion. Dreams come and go.

  • Painting the house costs only paint and materials. You do it yourself. What other contractor costs can you cut?
  • Same on the boat. Only materials. You may have a lot of learning to do.
  • Additional income? I have some side work that is earmarked for the boat. Since that pays all boat expenses, from a separate account, there are no discussions.
  • Cheaper marina? Fancy doesn't count for much, for me. It counts for nothing if money's tight.
If this seems like too much, then it is a wish, but not yet a passion. You decide.

I don't know about the wife either. But the above path should eliminate one source of conflict.
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Old 07-05-2014, 17:23   #13
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

check this out....Match.comĀ® | The Leading Online Dating Site for Singles & Personals just type "sailing" in your profile !

sure gonna miss her
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Old 07-05-2014, 17:24   #14
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Ya, the boat threw us for a few surprises when we first bought it. It's a good vessel but it had some deferred maintenance and some other issues that the surveyor and myself missed. I am ok with this as a few friends told me to expect to invest 25% of the boat's buying price back into it to bring it up to par. We were just hoping to get lucky here and there.

I'm at the point now where the money is spent and hopefully all that is left is small expenses here and there over the next 6 months. It just kills cause this is the closest I've ever gotten to realizing this dream. I mean we are really close. We have a plan, a boat, and money in the bank. She holds the trump card though, if she doesn't go I don't want to go without her. I just feel like the next six months is going to be difficult but the payoff is worth it. As things get more difficult and expensive though she wants to call it quits. It's definitely not her dream, its all mine. She's good enough to go this far with me. I just don't want her to quit this close to the finish line.
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Old 07-05-2014, 17:26   #15
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

The only thing worse then having a mate that draws the line is one that's no longer interested in boating period. A very difficult situation no matter how you look at it. In your case sounds like it's a financial thing. Best to learn the DIY route & begin turning the wrenches. That's how many of us are able to afford keeping a boat & keeping peace on the home front.
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