Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

[marlinmike]

Find a marriage counselor who is a big time cruiser! Any volunteers?

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by Stu Jackson

Conclusion: there's something else going on in her head, and he doesn't know what it is.

That is my belief as well, she never really wanted to go, but didn't want a fight, but now that it's really going to happen she is digging her heels in.
I'm struggling with exactly the same issue right now myself, in my wife's case case I believe it's a fear of the unknown and if it doesn't work out, how do you recover? Besides, life isn't bad right now, we live in the nicest house, best standard of living we have ever had etc., why F that up?
She is not afraid of bad weather or the boat, she handled our delivery trip from hell a lot better than I expected, a LOT better.
I'm reading "Get her on board" as we speak, and it has some interesting points in it.

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by valhalla360

Polarized? Kind of like this:

"Yes...but somehow you have forget to mention the countless unhappy relationships on the docks and usually fueled with alcohol."

I suppose it's wrong in today's PC world to call a bitter old man, a bitter old man.

Never said you couldn't be happy when single or unhappy when married but if you are smart about it, you are far more likely to be successful and happy in your relationship. If it makes me a bad person to say it out loud, I guess I'm a bad person.

I suppose if you want to label yourself that way...go for it. I feel you might be overly opinionated and see things as "Us happy married folks" and the others as "crusty whining divorced guys"... and now apparently bitter old men. Your world is getting smaller by the minute...be careful.
I am unmarried, in a relationship which is inter-dependent. She doesn't exist for my life-style and I, not for hers. My happiness does not depend on her and visa versa.
I sighted 2 examples I personally saw on the docks in La Paz, so ok...they weren't countless...happy now?
Maybe you can share with us the examples of crusty whiny divorced guys. Sounds like you took a poll.

[ksanders]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

I'm struggling with exactly the same issue right now myself, in my wife's case case I believe it's a fear of the unknown and if it doesn't work out, how do you recover? Besides, life isn't bad right now, we live in the nicest house, best standard of living we have ever had etc., why F that up?
She is not afraid of bad weather or the boat, she handled our delivery trip from hell a lot better than I expected, a LOT better.
I'm reading "Get her on board" as we speak, and it has some interesting points in it.

So keep the house and go cruising.

Don't put yourselves in a situation where its a either or thing. Lock up the house, hire a yard service, put in security and go cruising.

Give her the option to go home if she doesn't like it. Figure out what parts of cruising make her happy and do them. Figure out what parts of cruising she doesn't like and minimize them.

[DumnMad]

Originally Posted by Stu Jackson

They have a budget. From the OP they worked it out together.

First yard trip with their new boat, that they bought together, just like their Tartan that they bought together, was a tad higher than anticipated.

My experience with boats is that eventually you either have to pay to get it fixed or fix it yourself, but eventually it costs.

So, their budget got whacked eaelier rather than later.

But they still have the rest of their budget in hand.

Don't eat out a lot, scrape by with other things, and, essentially, the bottom line hasn't changed.

Conclusion: there's something else going on in her head, and he doesn't know what it is.

You nailed it Stu, they seem like a great team, but, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and it takes a fair bit of wisdom and patience and kindness to iron out the wrinkles.

[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by Celestialsailor

Maybe you can share with us the examples of crusty whiny divorced guys. Sounds like you took a poll.

Go back and re-read the thread. Plenty of examples. No need for a poll.

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by ksanders

So keep the house and go cruising.



Don't put yourselves in a situation where its a either or thing. Lock up the house, hire a yard service, put in security and go cruising.



Give her the option to go home if she doesn't like it. Figure out what parts of cruising make her happy and do them. Figure out what parts of cruising she doesn't like and minimize them.

Actually the plan I proposed last night to her was very similar. Neither of us want to stay in this house after the kids leave, it's way to big, yard way to big, taxes too high, etc.
I brought up we buy a nice condo in S Fl, rent it out during the winter months and come back in Summer.
I've got time to bring her around, two years at least, so it's not a now or never situation, yet

[IdoraKeeper]

There is no one size fits all solution. I envy couples who can cruise together on long trips. My wife enjoys one or two weeks a year on the boat. No way she is gonna be schmoozed into major offshore trips. She usually meets me somewhere. She also has a degree of resentment of my 38 ft girlfriend and yes she counts the cost. It would be stupid of me to try to drag her along when she is not interested. The OP should not try it either. The OP should find out what his wifes deal is before deciding to take off solo. If she checks out, there is no need for divorce or fighting, just go and call it good. Its also a good time to buy a Harley while your at it.......if she doesn't check out, even then its up to the individual... It might be time for a first mate.

[chris_gee]

Perhaps you could ask her what would make this all work for both of us?
That might involve some work for both of you in listening and thinking, but more importantly perhaps it changes the framework from who wins and who controls.
An ultimatum is not really a good idea but perhaps it is best interpreted as an unwise expression of a concern strongly felt at the time.
It may not be the real issue however, that is there is something else underneath. What that might be one could either speculate or inquire. Very often neither party is consciously aware of it and it takes time to acknowledge it.
"nothing is wrong" is code for "I am not ready to talk about it at the moment", and is a good example of how what is said is not literally so.

[xymotic]

Originally Posted by Celestialsailor

Absolutely right! Yards (especially in So. Ca.) wait for unsuspecting newer boat owners and sock it to em. So.Ca. is the worst. You should have taken the boat to Ensenada for the work and tasted a little bit of Mx. Baja Naval labor is $25@hr. What you described would have been 2 days labor ($400) and 2 gallons of paint ($500). Round trip would have been $150 and by what you describe as shaft issues, I'm assuming a little work on the strut and cutlass ($250). So around $1300.

You're forgetting the US$12000 worth of Tequila that you bought/consumed for $6000 while cruising in Mexico

It's not all rosebuds and buttercups down there you know that other stuff also adds up!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by valhalla360

Sounds like I hit a little too close to the truth for someone?

I'm just trying to give the guy some useful advice as I assume he would like to stay happily married AND get to go cruising.

How is taking ultimatums from her being happily married?

He can try to make sailing appealing to her, I also suggested that approach, but if she doesn't want to do it, he has to make a decision: her or his dream. Sooner or later, we all end up dead, I have to believe how we lived counts for something. It's better to live a short life on your feet than a long life on your knees.

I'm a reasonable person, if my wife or GF wants to do something interesting, I'm all for it. I would hope for the same support from her when I want to do something interesting. Good partners should be encouraging each other, not hindering each other.

[In Training]

Ok, I just gotta respond.

I think the problem you guys have is that you make it too easy on your wife to begin with. And I am female.

How anyone who has had to work all their life would rather continue to work than be on a boat in the islands is beyond me. What kind of hours do these women work that they would rather stay in their jobs? Even if you spend half of every day working on the boat, the other half is free.

There are no gardens to work in all summer, only one or two bathrooms to clean. The boat has to be less work than keeping up a house, grounds and working 50-60 hrs. a week.

I can't wait to start a calmer, slower paced life.

[BandB]

I know several couples who have faced a similar situation. Not to the point of ultimatums, but a differing opinion on the pleasure of cruising, or rather of sailing on a long term basis.

Their solution was a word no sailboat owner wants to hear. "Trawler."

Now this may not be an option or solution at all in your case, but it does point out the need for better communication and finding what it is that is really bothering her. Is it finances? Is it missing home? Is it the amount of work in sailing? Does she just not enjoy the water as much as she expected? Does she hate being cooped up on a boat with no one but you and no space of her own or friends to talk to?

You can't find the solution until you delve deep to understand the problem. Whether you can do that with just the two of you is questionable. Actually doubtful by the very fact you're here discussing it instead of discussing it with her. It really might call for a counselor just to help the two of you sort through this issue. It would be a big mistake to let it tear you apart or destroy dreams without making that effort. Mediation is often successful and in this situation that's what counseling would amount to.

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by valhalla360

Go back and re-read the thread. Plenty of examples. No need for a poll.

Oh...I'm sorry...So it was nothing more than your perception of what folks here were posting...My mistake.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Celestialsailor

Oh...I'm sorry...So it was nothing more than your perception of what folks here were posting...My mistake.

Wifey B: Well, I see your perception too. Bunch of grumpy old men who have had women problems and have sworn off them forever....well, until the next one that is....hehe

And if this was a women's forum we'd probably see the same. It's sad. I want everyone happy. So each must struggle to find happiness in their own way. That should be the objective, "to be happy."

My hubby and I didn't say "forever" in our vows. We said "as long as it works for both of us." Now we fully expect forever. But those words make it sound like no matter how miserable things are we're stuck. We do communicate....a lot...about everything. That's why he's pushing the OP to do so. But we also have a deal if ever either of us isn't happy with it we'll talk and if it means a change even apart we'll do it. I want to be with him forever. But I don't ever want to be with him if it were to make him unhappy. But in reality he wasn't happy before me and has been since me.

There are so many unhappy endings, it breaks my heart. But we live such stressful lives. We work out butts off and don't have time for families too often. My hubby changed his working when I came along. I don't have answers except talk and find out what can be done before it's too late. And for those of you still in recovery from bad endings, may your next be better.

Also, don't let anyone else make the rules for you and your wife. You do what works for you. People think your relationship is weird that you've agreed to do it a certain way, doesn't matter. Just find what makes you happy.