Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

[Zach]

Mine pulled a line last year that said, "We don't have anything together."

Meaning... Sell the boat, buy a house so that when we break up... "I can't be responsible for your dreams." She would get half the house. Put an offer in on a house as I was wising up to what was going on. Of course she racked up 10g's in credit card debt while we were married and didn't tell me a word about it, which made it somewhat easier to cut ties.

What do you mean you can't get off work to travel? That quit making sense... When I was ready to go she finally opened up about the reason why she couldn't take a 3 day weekend, ever... she wouldn't make the minimum balance.

Sometimes its a danforth anchor to keep you close to home and a life that is known, other times its a sand anchor to keep you ashore... When you start hearing "My love is conditional, and if you love me you'll do X" then the barge spuds are coming out.

Did you, by chance own the Tartan before you met her? Was she an easy sell on the bigger boat that you purchased while you were together?

Half of something, is half... If you owned the Tartan before you married her, she'd get Half of nothing, which is nothing.

Call a lawyer and review your options, and start squirreling away a kitty of your own in the meantime.

I still miss her some days.

Zach

[maytrix]

Ask yourself this - is it really the difficulty and expenses that make her want to call it quits or is it just that you are so close? Leaving everything to go cruising is a dream come true for some, but for others it may simply be scary. Maybe she's enjoyed everything leading up to this thinking either she'd be ready when the time came or maybe just thinking it would never come and you'd keep doing what you've been doing?

One thing to think about is what was her reaction to the plan all along? My wife can't wait for us to live aboard and cruise. It's not a "yeah, that will be fun", it is truly an "I can't wait! I'd go tomorrow if we could".

[Wonderinlost]

You would not like my opinion on having a wife in thease times. People do not stay together as long as the past anymore. As being 31 I doubt ill ever get married till im on my deathbed if im lucky.

[BandB]

There are two distinct issues. One is do you equally share the desire to sail. The second, is finances, the single leading cause of divorce.

This requires some real honesty and open communication. Find out if it's just the finances or if her desire for sailing is also waning. If it's the desire for sailing then you probably need to cut back, consider chartering only or change the nature of your sailing.

However, if it's finances, then I'd ask, did you sit down and go over expectations together prior to starting? Did you budget and discuss it? Have you jointly approached it? Were there surprises even to you?

Then my suggestion is get someone more experienced to help you project your sailing costs but perhaps also get to a financial counselor. That doesn't mean you're not capable, but often a neutral party can really help you sort through reasonable expectations and reach a compromise. Maybe it's a less costly boat? Maybe it's saving in other ways? Perhaps the continuing costs really will be less?

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by Guy

Don't ever spend $7500 again in the boat yard. Learn how to do it yourself.

Absolutely right! Yards (especially in So. Ca.) wait for unsuspecting newer boat owners and sock it to em. So.Ca. is the worst. You should have taken the boat to Ensenada for the work and tasted a little bit of Mx. Baja Naval labor is $25@hr. What you described would have been 2 days labor ($400) and 2 gallons of paint ($500). Round trip would have been $150 and by what you describe as shaft issues, I'm assuming a little work on the strut and cutlass ($250). So around $1300.

Originally Posted by weavis

I cant give you advice on this situation.
I can empathise though.


Divorced 22 years ago over a similar circumstance.
Had Several Girlfriends since.
2 Aircraft.
9 Boats.
4 houses.
traveled the world.
And now looking for another boat.

I can honestly say, given the situation over......... Id swap my 2 aircraft and nine boats, and 4 houses and living abroad life experience in a heartbeat for....... a Gunboat 66.

Sigh.

I love being in a relationship but they cost way over what I spend on boats. I rarely had extra money while married with both of us working. Now unmarried (but in a relationship) I am living my dream. My GF has no interest in my voyaging and I have zero interests in her horse habit. So far so good.

Originally Posted by SV THIRD DAY

Bro...listen...stop spending money and go Cruising.

Once you get to Mexico you will realize that you can live like a king on $1500/mo (we were a family of 4 and did just that for 4yrs!!!). We also learned that MUCH of the stuff you are buying you don't need to cruise Mexico and the Sea of Cortez...it's a LOT easier and simplier than everyone wants to make it sound. Crossing to the South Pacific...sure...Coastal Cruising Mexico and the SOC...****...give me a $20K boat off craigslist and I'm gone!

It's the classic "gotta have it all" cruiser outfitting problem.
Install the rest of the crap you have now and sign up for this year's Baja ha-ha and GO.

Again...wise words. Do your boat in phases...
Phase 1) Make the boat sea-worthy and forget about the "Gucci" electronics.
Phase 2) After the first season, fix the few things that broke and add what will make you live comfortably. Maybe upgrade a few things.
Phase 3) By this time, she'll be "onboard" to the idea of being on a boat or you'll be single. In any event, you'll probably be happy.

Originally Posted by markpierce

Take her to Cabo. Maybe she'll forgive you. (Roughest waters this May were offshore the San Francisco Peninsula and between the Channel Islands and mainland California (during our April-May New Orleans-Panama-California cruise.)

CABO!!! That place is a cesspool of scam artists and drug dealers. Go to La Paz or P.V.

Originally Posted by ksanders

I have a couple thoughts about this.

First I do not like ultimatums. My wife tried that stuff on me two seasons ago... It's me or the boat.

I calmly walked. She said I was choosing the boat. I told her no, I was choosing not to let her control me. It's a long story and there's more to it than that, but you get the point.

Two days later she called and asked when I was coming home.

Life has been much better since we got the control issues out of the way. She realizes I respect that her dreams are important and mine are important as well.

Yup...I found this too, the hard way. I let that behavior go on too long and it had been out of control so long, there was no getting any equilibrium back in the relationship. I got the boat...she got the house and borrowed against it 4-5 times until the bubble hit. Now she has nothing. I have my boat, other fun hobbies and a house I was able to pay off....go figure.

[weavis]

[QUOTE=Steve Olson;1535791]

Originally Posted by SlugmasterP

She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go.QUOTE]
This is yet one more example of why I will *NEVER* get married.

NO. I insist you do.

Why should you be happy all your life?!

[Wotname]

Originally Posted by SlugmasterP

We are about less than 6 months away from realizing my dream of cruising from Southern California down to Mexico and exploring the Sea of Cortez and mainland Mex. This dream started turning into reality when we bought a Tartan 30 about 3 years ago and cruised it on the weekends back and forth to Catalina Island. We decided that we wanted to prepare for a Mexico trip. We saved a good chunk of money, sold the Tartan and bought a cruise ready Islander 36.

This past month we took our Islander to the shipyard for bottom-paint, work on the propellor shaft/stuffing box and to check out the through-hulls and any other pertinent issues that we might find. What we were thinking was going to be a $3000 dollar trip turned into a $7500 dollar trip.

My wife is fed up with how much money we are hemorrhaging at this point. We still have the cruising kitty where we want it but she can't believe how much money we are blowing right now on this boat. She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go. I love my wife and would gladly sacrifice this dream for her but something tells me I can have both.

I feel like we are giving up right when we are closest to achieving our dream. Any suggestions?

Suggestions - yeah I have a couple.
1. Stop spending serious money for the next six months
2. Share with her your concern about spending so much (even if it's not true).
3. Don't overly worry until you hear her say "There's nothing wrong"

At that stage, put the boat down and step away...

And believe you me, if she ever says "Do whatever you like"; do not take that literally...

[weavis]

Originally Posted by SlugmasterP

She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go. I love my wife and would gladly sacrifice this dream for her but something tells me I can have both.
Any suggestions?

I re read your initial post.

• Whatever is telling you "that you can have both" is not your wife.
• There is no such thing as a semi serious ultimatum.
• A womans mind changed against her will is a woman of the same opinion still.

She was never onboard from the beginning. Not really. And now the 'joint' money is going in a direction she doesnt want and it is causing issues. Long gone are the days of a wife following her husband where he leads.......

• If you would gladly sacrifice this dream of YOURS for her, Then get out the knife.

Its your life, your wife and your relationship. I dont know if the issue is money really, or if its something else.

• I do know you have an issue. A huge one.

[Greggegner]

How about a few trip to Catalina...The difference in comfort and ease of life between your old and new boat should help. If those trips aren't fun slogging down the coast will not be good. Suggest a real look at future maintenance cost, are you just getting started? That needs to play against your financial situation. To me you are not going to Mexico, you are going to the next stop. Turn back when it isn't fun.

[mrohr]

This is a sad tale oft told. My bachelor friends will often say that: " It is truly amazing how much grief a man will put up with just to get a little *****" ,all the while slowly shaking their heads. Sad indeed!

[thomm225]

There was a guy at work that planned to live the cruising life for the last ten years of his working years. It lasted six months because the wife got a little scared, and they are now home watching soap operas ....................together.

It was somewhat his fault though since he would tell his friends "don't tell my wife how large the waves were today." We're talking 7'-8' waves coming in Pensacola Pass the same waves Hobie 16 sailors deal with for fun. His boat was a Catalina 36.

[letsgetsailing3]

Originally Posted by Wotname

Suggestions - yeah I have a couple.
1. Stop spending serious money for the next six months
2. Share with her your concern about spending so much (even if it's not true).
3. Don't overly worry until you hear her say "There's nothing wrong"

At that stage, put the boat down and step away...

And believe you me, if she ever says "Do whatever you like"; do not take that literally...

Good advice. Your wife is your PARTNER. You have to always bring her along. You probably don't care if you spend double what you've said you'd spend, because it's YOUR dream. She needs to be brought along.

You need to ignore all of the advice here that sounds like it's coming from divorced guys. They followed their own advice, and that's why they're divorced. If you call all the shots in your relationship, then you've got a concubine, not a wife.

If you think of your wife as your equal partner, and treat her that way, either the problem will go away, or it's indicative that you haven't got her buy-in yet. Either get that, or choose another goal.

[Zach]

Some of us cut up, and scrapped out the boat, literally... throw the dreams in the dumpster... on the way through trying to make it work, to end up divorced.

In my case I never knew who I married until we split.

Zach

[Lake-Effect]

The OP's story suggests that as a couple they have communication problems, especially honesty about individual and shared goals. And maybe an uneven grasp of finances.

Me - going on 26 years with the same girl. And she enjoys sailing and would like to cruise some day. And our yacht club is a 12 minute walk from our backyard.Yes I'm very lucky.

[Tortuga's Lie]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is that your wife sees this dream of yours as a never-ending-life-changing-never-come-back-saga and that probably scares her a bit. Cutting land ties is a very traumatic experience and if she's not 100% on this adventure I would strongly suggest working out a plan with her that has an end date, say a year. Call it a sabbatical. With an end date, she knows that life will return to some sense of what she knows as normal. Once she's out there and enjoying the sailing life, I would venture a guess that she will want to stay out longer, if not, then you can make other decisions but at least she will have given it a chance.
Who knows, after a year on a boat, maybe even your opinion of the lifestyle will change. Married life(or at least happy married life) is about compromise. Just celebrated 25 years and heading towards 26.................happy sailing.