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Old 08-05-2014, 08:38   #91
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

First, don't take relationship advice from divorced guys.

Now back to the problem:
- First question, why was $7500 a suprise? You should have had a cost estimate before they hauled and you should have discussed it with her before hand. A suprise bill in the thousands is likely to get most people rattled even if it is thier dream.
- What can you do to make the plan match her dream?
- If she doesn't like sailing, drifting around trying to play the wind is only going to frustrate her. Crank up the engine and get to your desination.
- If she wants to be social, hanging out on the hook in a deserted anchorage is not the best plan. Get into a marina or popular anchorage where you can feed her need to be social and set up an occasional weekend to be in an isolated anchorage.
- If she is scared about the run down the coast, have her spend some time with friends while you do the hard part with a couple buddies and then she meets you at the destination.
- If she is worried about being away from friends and family, modify the budget and plan to spend time back with the friends and family (we picked up a truck and 5th wheel for $10k that we can use when back home).

You really need to get her to tell you what she wants. If you start issuing ultimatums, in 5yrs, you will be another divoced guy posting about evil women on on-line forums.
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Old 08-05-2014, 08:43   #92
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

I don't get your wife's economic argument.

Skipping your cruising dream won't get you your money back.
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Old 08-05-2014, 08:44   #93
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by Igotnuthin View Post
OMG! Find a woman who has a large boat AND WORKS on it herself then you know she's invested in the dream! PERIOD!
WHAT is WRONG with you guys?!!!
Few and far between. The ones I have met, who have their own boat, are fiercely independent, as it should be. Healthy men and women do not "need" to be in a relationship. It should happen naturally. That said...it is easier to start out with a partner whose passion is voyaging rather than trying to coax, manipulate and bargain your way with someone, who otherwise could care less about your dreams.
Men or women stand a better chance of finding someone with like interests in the environment of sailing. Not meeting at the mall or in the office.
After my divorce I was sick and tired of people asking me where my "better half" was. I just started replying..."Below my belt...where's yours"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by thomm225 View Post
Maybe it would be best for the wife to just hang out at home and the OP just get a First Mate:

I'm glad you posted that Youtube. I take it she is European. Maybe it's just me but they seem a lot less uptight about things. I enjoyed the way she could muscle up to a mans job while at the same time keeping her femininity.
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Old 08-05-2014, 08:50   #94
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Originally Posted by valhalla360 View Post
First, don't take relationship advice from divorced guys.

Now back to the problem:
- First question, why was $7500 a suprise? You should have had a cost estimate before they hauled and you should have discussed it with her before hand. A suprise bill in the thousands is likely to get most people rattled even if it is thier dream.
- What can you do to make the plan match her dream?
- If she doesn't like sailing, drifting around trying to play the wind is only going to frustrate her. Crank up the engine and get to your desination.
- If she wants to be social, hanging out on the hook in a deserted anchorage is not the best plan. Get into a marina or popular anchorage where you can feed her need to be social and set up an occasional weekend to be in an isolated anchorage.
- If she is scared about the run down the coast, have her spend some time with friends while you do the hard part with a couple buddies and then she meets you at the destination.
- If she is worried about being away from friends and family, modify the budget and plan to spend time back with the friends and family (we picked up a truck and 5th wheel for $10k that we can use when back home).

You really need to get her to tell you what she wants. If you start issuing ultimatums, in 5yrs, you will be another divoced guy posting about evil women on on-line forums.
Second, don't take relationship advice from guy's that want to make it all about her. It's a semi-death called coping.
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Old 08-05-2014, 09:34   #95
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

This thread cracks me up especially the posts from people that have posted in the past about how they couldn't maintain their relationships
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Old 08-05-2014, 09:49   #96
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Second, don't take relationship advice from guy's that want to make it all about her. It's a semi-death called coping.
Sure seems smarter to take relationship advice from the guy who's happily married for 20yrs with 7 yrs cruising but hey what do I know.

To the OP: Remember, you aren't asking her to move to the other side of town. This is way outside the comfort zone of most people. If she wasn't the 110% on board from the start and you actually want a successful marriage, giving her an ultimatum is pretty much a guaranteed divorce. If you ease her into it and make it fun for her, there is a very good chance she will keep expanding her cruising horizons. At the very least, you may be able to meet in the middle where you get to do some cruising.

The funny thing is, the more I make it all about her, the more she makes it all about me. In the end, we both wind up happy. When either of us start getting selfish, the other starts getting selfish and we both wind up unhappy. When that happens, you step back and fix the issue.
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Old 08-05-2014, 09:59   #97
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Originally Posted by valhalla360 View Post
Sure seems smarter to take relationship advice from the guy who's happily married for 20yrs with 7 yrs cruising but hey what do I know.

To the OP: Remember, you aren't asking her to move to the other side of town. This is way outside the comfort zone of most people. If she wasn't the 110% on board from the start and you actually want a successful marriage, giving her an ultimatum is pretty much a guaranteed divorce. If you ease her into it and make it fun for her, there is a very good chance she will keep expanding her cruising horizons. At the very least, you may be able to meet in the middle where you get to do some cruising.

The funny thing is, the more I make it all about her, the more she makes it all about me. In the end, we both wind up happy. When either of us start getting selfish, the other starts getting selfish and we both wind up unhappy. When that happens, you step back and fix the issue.
Hey Dr Phil, don't you have a show to do?
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:14   #98
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Sail into any Tropical harbor and head to the cruisers bar and get advice from the "free" alcoholic old salt looking for someone to talk to. Bitterness often rules but they sure did dump "her" and followed their dream! For sure have met some single sailors who are thriving but I've heard it said more than once: "There is a reason why they are singlehanders"
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:17   #99
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Your dream my dream our dream.

Keep the boat and ax the wifey hehe
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:20   #100
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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For sure have met some single sailors who are thriving but I've heard it said more than once: "There is a reason why they are singlehanders"
I get your reasoning here, but there is another: Some of us could not live knowing we were possibly responsible for someone losing their life on board should that happen. This regardless of safety procedures. **** happens. You read these stories and it's terrifying.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:24   #101
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

If this is not a dream for both of you, it won't work. Was she really serious about cruising or just playing along, looking for a way out? Cruising comfortably is not cheap, nor is boat maintenance. Don't give up hope though. I was once in your wife's shoes but once we started cruising, I love it.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:45   #102
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Hey Dr Phil, don't you have a show to do?
Sounds like I hit a little too close to the truth for someone?

I'm just trying to give the guy some useful advice as I assume he would like to stay happily married AND get to go cruising.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:48   #103
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Sounds like I hit a little too close to the truth for someone?

I'm just trying to give the guy some useful advice as I assume he would like to stay happily married AND get to go cruising.
Your advice indicated that HE gave the ultimatatum...he didn't, SHE did. And I agree, ultimatums don't bode well for the relationship.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:56   #104
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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Your advice indicated that HE gave the ultimatatum...he didn't, SHE did. And I agree, ultimatums don't bode well for the relationship.
No, I was refering to all the guys who were clearly happily married for decades telling him not to put up with any lip from a silly girl. Ultimatums from either side are a very bad thing.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:25   #105
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Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

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First, don't take relationship advice from divorced guys.
How about two times divorced? Anyway, gals are lined up to crew my boat. Hope they don't dissappoint when I head north (from 70N 30E)
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