Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

[SaltyMonkey]

I believe the advice isn't aligned to the issue

Its not the sailing as i understand it, its the expenses. No way around that.

Also if you try and dump the wifey, I can guarantee you the only one owning and cursing the boat will be the wifey, along with your cruising kitty and her new boy toy.

[haiqu]

If I had been the OP the last line of the message would have been: "I'm sure going to miss her."

Sounds like a tough situation, and that she wasn't fully committed at the start. The mistakes have already been made, and you could cut your losses and sell the boat but you will still have problems with the wife. Only you know whether that's worthwhile.

Frankly $7500 in preparation costs on a $30,000 boat isn't excessive. It will reduce running repairs dramatically.

[Blue Crab]

OP, you called it your dream. Really, that's all that needs to be said but that never stopped me before.

I dunno how many willing women sailors there are but IME it's a very small number compared to the number of men. Even on CF. Women are nest builders. We be different.

It's not gonna help you now but it's possible had you started out slower, smaller, and far less expensively as daysailors, "wifey" might have liked the actual sailing rather than just the yakking at the potlucks with the other girls. This is my CF lecture #6 if you're scoring at home.

But no. You are players in a scene acted out in marinas all around the US, and maybe elsewhere. The final curtain closes on all the nice big boats in every marina sitting idle. Meanwhile, you are driving out to San Fernando Valley to see your kids. The ex-wife having remarried a bean counter with a real job and no desire to even lay eyes on Capt Dreamer when you show up. The kids may well feel the same way. Let's hope not. You are in seriously deep do doo, Cap.

You go for it, you likely end up like so many of us lonely old farts who drink too much and cry over our lost children. But by Dog we're free!

Pffffft!

[oldragbaggers]

It seems to me that one of two things is going on here.

A) Either there is more contention in this relationship than just the cruising dream dilemma, the OP was already on the fence about the possibility of getting rid of wife in favor of boat and came here for the all too predictable push he needed to give her walking papers and set sail.

Or.....

B) She was on board with the whole thing until she got the beegeezus scared out of her by this unexpected yard bill, she had a knee jerk reaction out of fear and just needs a little time to come around. (And the OP should be using that come around time to settle her fears and decide how he's going to do things differently in the future.) And he came here to get some genuine advice about how to fix this so he can take his wife on his dream adventure with him. In which case you guys are being pretty harsh and insulting about the love of his life.

We don't know the OP's financial picture. Maybe he saved enough for his adventure, but did he plan for afterwards? Maybe she sees the funds draining quicker than expected before they even get out of the boatyard and she's afraid that once HIS dream is over there won't be anything left for the next phase of life, and maybe that is the phase that will fulfil HER dreams. It's a partnership, so there needs to be a payday for both. If she's delaying her dreams in order to fulfill his maybe he needs to find a way to reassure her that there will be something left after his dream has been realized.

And guys.....you don't know this woman. All you have to base your lambasting of her on is a couple of paragraphs from someone you don't know, and he's frustrated right now because they're fighting and he wants to go sailing. Could be he's crazy about her and he's going to feel bad later that he revealed their problems to you guys and let you have a shot at her.

My husband is an ex-cop. Any cop will tell you that when it comes to domestic situations, after it's all said and done and the couple are back in each other's good graces, the one that always turns out to be the "bad guy" is the one who got in the middle of them and tried to help. And when you take sides you always end up on both of their ****-lists in the end.

[ksanders]

I have a couple thoughts about this.

First I do not like ultimatums. My wife tried that stuff on me two seasons ago... It's me or the boat.

I calmly walked. She said I was choosing the boat. I told her no, I was choosing not to let her control me. It's a long story and there's more to it than that, but you get the point.

Two days later she called and asked when I was coming home.

Life has been much better since we got the control issues out of the way. She realizes I respect that her dreams are important and mine are important as well.

Second, if your wife is freaking out over a 7500 bottom paint job and other work you need to evaluate wether she is going to really freak out when mr big bill comes visiting. 7500 is nothing on a boat. Is she overly concerned about finances, or are you overly optimistic? Only you can answer that.

I get kinda pissy over this control issue, but we know nothing of your financial situation. If you are taking away her dreams in order to have your boat then possibly you need to reevaluate wether it's this correct time of life for a hobby as expensive as boating.

If everything is good money wise then I say that mutual respect is the key. She needs to respect that you are a individual person and that your dreams are important. You also need to respect that hers are important. Just as important as yours. Anything else is just mental control and I do not think thats the right way to live our lives.

[SaltyMonkey]

anyway you look at it 7,500 for a bottom paint job is insane.

[Steve Olson]

[QUOTE=SlugmasterP;1535536]She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go.QUOTE]
This is yet one more example of why I will *NEVER* get married. No one will tell me I can't live my dreams. I've seen too many marriages start out with both people on the same page in the beginning only to end up with different priorities. If anyone ever tells me to choose between them or my boat, I will tell them that it's been fun and good luck with their future endeavors.

[Adventurebound]

This thread is posting like every version of "Days of our [droopy, dreary] Lives" Your answer is in many of the posts. Go out on some daily trips specially set up for her enjoyment and work out future finances for the boat with you doing as much work as possible. Initially tell her you need to to fix up the boat anyway to sell it. Once you have arranged that time SELL HER ON KEEPING THE BOAT.

[Adventurebound]

[QUOTE=Steve Olson;1535791]

Originally Posted by SlugmasterP

She just gave me a semi serious ultimatum of the boat goes or I go.QUOTE]
This is yet one more example of why I will *NEVER* get married. No one will tell me I can't live my dreams. I've seen too many marriages start out with both people on the same page in the beginning only to end up with different priorities. If anyone ever tells me to choose between them or my boat, I will tell them that it's been fun and good luck with their future endeavors.

All marrages start off on the same page, thats why they get married. All marrages move to different pages and how you manage that determines if you stay married.

[Annie in WA]

Seems to me that she needs to spend more time with other women who sail. Other women who cruise. They are out there. There is a different perspective when it is coming from another woman. If she were to take boating classes... sailing, or navigation, or boat show seminars from women, it could help to give her perspective on the sacrifices we make, monetarily and otherwise, to cruise. After all, it isnt just your boat, it's hers too.

As a secondary issue, spoil her on the boat. Do you cook? Cook dinner sometimes and clean up afterward. Speaking of food, If seasickness is a problem, you two need to find a solution. Seasickness sucks. Find that special something that works. I find that Stugeron in lower doses both prevents and cures seasickness for me.

Lastly, I know you havent mentioned it, but there is the issue of " yelling" on a boat. There is a fine line between speaking loudly and yelling. Speaking for myself, when my husband speaks loudly and abruptly it triggers difficult childhood memories. Even if it isnt in anger, it isnt pleasant. We both work hard to prevent this from happening.

Finally, the best advise I heard from another cruising woman is to give it a year. There will be difficulties, but given time the rewards are immeasurable in terms of beautiful locations, interactions with wildlife, and most importantly, close moments shared with your spouse, and the pride that comes with meeting challenges together.

[nimblemotors]

Sell the damn boat, what is wrong with you!!

Then buy a power catamaran in Mexico.

Really, no good advice, can't really say what the real issue is, probably isn't really just the costs. Go take a vacation in La Paz, fly in, have some fun, look at the boats,
and imagine being on them, she might come around.

[Blue Crab]

[QUOTE=Adventurebound;1535805]

Originally Posted by Steve Olson

All marrages start off on the same page, thats why they get married. All marrages move to different pages and how you manage that determines if you stay married.

When you factor in the absolute heartbreak that never goes away, and potentially incredible financial loss, that 50/50 chance of a successful marriage doesn't look so good anymore.

A happy marriage? Ha ha, good one. What's that? One in ten?

As ol' Clint said: "Do ya feel lucky, punk?"

And as Werner Erhard noted a ways back, "What you have is what you chose. To move on, choose it."

Me, I'd move the boat to San Pedro and massage the wife's tootsies tonight. The boat ain't going anywhere. They rarely do.

[markpierce]

Originally Posted by nimblemotors

Sell the damn boat, what is wrong with you!!

Then buy a power catamaran in Mexico. . ...

They seem to be the exception.

[SaltyMonkey]

Hey, thats not bad. Sell the damn boat and get a Cat or a Trawler -- more civilized interior and life aboard.

[VirtualVagabond]

You've got a selling job here, and the best way to get the deal over the line is to tell the 'buyer' what she wants to hear.

You've spent $4k more than you expected, and that really hurts. But it's spent. You won't get it back even by selling the boat. All you can do is find the bright side.

So you have a boat that is better, safer etc than before so your trip together will have less to worry about, at least in that department. In future you will be wiser for the experience and get a quote/estimate, and tackle some jobs yourself.

If you sail for a couple of years, this nasty surprise will have only cost about the cost of a cup of coffee a day. Certainly not enough to lose a once in a lifetime experience over.

Vic