Cruisers Forum
 


Join CruisersForum Today

Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 08-05-2014, 17:00   #136
Wayfaring Mariner
 
captain58sailin's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Homer, AK is my home port
Boat: Skookum 53'
Posts: 4,045
Images: 5
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

I would say, sit her down in a non - confrontational manner, away from the boat and ask her about her feelings regarding the boat and cruising. Then shut up and really listen to what she is saying, do not go into "problem solving" mode and do not try to offer suggestions about how to fix what is bugging her. I didn't find the yard bill all that surprising. I didn't get married until I was 48, I knew that my life is about being at sea, and I wasn't willing to give that up, still not. I had a lot of false starts, and been with women that said they were all about being to sea, but there is a vast difference between the romantic ideal and the gritty reality, and they bailed after a taste of the reality, or maybe they just were not into me. When I did get married it was to a sea dog like me, she was the master of the vessel in my avatar. We get along great, really like each other and she is my best friend in the world. We go to sea together, that is what we are about and we embrace it, and each other. I was willing to live alone until she came along. You and her are the ones that have to decide what is right for both of you.
__________________

__________________
" Wisdom; is your reward for surviving your mistakes"
captain58sailin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 17:11   #137
Registered User
 
Celestialsailor's Avatar

Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Mexico, working on the boat
Boat: Hallberg Rassy 35. and 14ft.Whitehall pulling skiff.
Posts: 8,013
Images: 5
Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Wifey B: Well, I see your perception too. Bunch of grumpy old men who have had women problems and have sworn off them forever....well, until the next one that is....hehe

And if this was a women's forum we'd probably see the same. It's sad. I want everyone happy. So each must struggle to find happiness in their own way. That should be the objective, "to be happy."

My hubby and I didn't say "forever" in our vows. We said "as long as it works for both of us." Now we fully expect forever. But those words make it sound like no matter how miserable things are we're stuck. We do communicate....a lot...about everything. That's why he's pushing the OP to do so. But we also have a deal if ever either of us isn't happy with it we'll talk and if it means a change even apart we'll do it. I want to be with him forever. But I don't ever want to be with him if it were to make him unhappy. But in reality he wasn't happy before me and has been since me.

There are so many unhappy endings, it breaks my heart. But we live such stressful lives. We work out butts off and don't have time for families too often. My hubby changed his working when I came along. I don't have answers except talk and find out what can be done before it's too late. And for those of you still in recovery from bad endings, may your next be better.

Also, don't let anyone else make the rules for you and your wife. You do what works for you. People think your relationship is weird that you've agreed to do it a certain way, doesn't matter. Just find what makes you happy.
Wise words...My objective was to point out the stereotyping that was going on. I have met unhappy folks both married and single. Some times I wonder if anything could make them happy.
__________________

__________________
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: Wow - what a ride!"

http://wwwjolielle.blogspot.com/
Celestialsailor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 17:11   #138
Moderator
 
weavis's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: SEVILLE - MALLORCA
Posts: 10,138
Send a message via Skype™ to weavis
Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Wifey B: Well, I see your perception too. Bunch of grumpy old men who have had women problems and have sworn off them forever....well, until the next one that is....hehe

And if this was a women's forum we'd probably see the same. It's sad. I want everyone happy. So each must struggle to find happiness in their own way. That should be the objective, "to be happy."

My hubby and I didn't say "forever" in our vows. We said "as long as it works for both of us." Now we fully expect forever. But those words make it sound like no matter how miserable things are we're stuck. We do communicate....a lot...about everything. That's why he's pushing the OP to do so. But we also have a deal if ever either of us isn't happy with it we'll talk and if it means a change even apart we'll do it. I want to be with him forever. But I don't ever want to be with him if it were to make him unhappy. But in reality he wasn't happy before me and has been since me.

There are so many unhappy endings, it breaks my heart. But we live such stressful lives. We work out butts off and don't have time for families too often. My hubby changed his working when I came along. I don't have answers except talk and find out what can be done before it's too late. And for those of you still in recovery from bad endings, may your next be better.

Also, don't let anyone else make the rules for you and your wife. You do what works for you. People think your relationship is weird that you've agreed to do it a certain way, doesn't matter. Just find what makes you happy.
Mrs B
There has been a certain element of all viewpoints here, and to say all men had unhappy endings or got grumpy over divorce is simply not the case. Divorce sometimes ends the lie of commitment that made people very unhappy.

Relationship issues are personal to 2 people, and the advice we give is strictly limited in the main to our own experience, and perhaps some general observations that might have been overlooked by the OP.

Im also fully aware that when one person give their side of the story, its one sided.

At the end of the day, Its not my problem and I cant fix it. I fixed MY problem in an adult way 20 some years ago, and I hope she has been happy with her new husband she got 6 months after the divorce with me. I bit the bullet, accepted the marriage didnt work and moved on.

Now here, there are lots of things I could advise on, from my experience and from my perspective, but the bottom line is that not all the cards on on the table yet... both the married and the divorced men seem to agree with that.

The OP has lots of comments to think about, and only he can choose the ones that fit the TRUTH regarding his situation and work on it.

I wish him lots of luck and hope that BOTH of them can get their priorities in order for each other.
__________________
- Never test how deep the water is with both feet -
10% of conflicts are due to different opinions. 90% by the tone of voice.
Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.
weavis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 17:21   #139
Registered User
 
dpddj's Avatar

Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Maine, USA
Boat: Leopard 40
Posts: 266
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

I have known my conundrum since 1976, been married for 31 of those years. Not sure how she stayed married to me so long because I would have divorced me a long time ago. I grew up around boats, built and repaired boats - I hate boats and swore I'd never have one. I'm on my third sailboat. Several years ago I had a few friends drop over dead or get cancer or any number of like things. I decided then I was going sailing for a few years before I too succumbed to something. I said "Honey, I'm going to sell my business and set sail. I don't know where or for how long. I'd love for you to come with me but if you don't want to, I understand, but I'm going." Actually, since she isn't much for sailing, she said "I know planes fly everywhere and I can meet you." Now, September isn't here yet so things may change. Weekly I am asked if I am REALLY going to leave in September. Steadfastly, I reply "You betcha." You could always try that approach.
__________________
dpddj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 17:24   #140
Registered User

Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Paradise
Boat: Various
Posts: 2,360
Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by weavis View Post
Mrs B
There has been a certain element of all viewpoints here, and to say all men had unhappy endings or got grumpy over divorce is simply not the case. Divorce sometimes ends the lie of commitment that made people very unhappy.

Relationship issues are personal to 2 people, and the advice we give is strictly limited in the main to our own experience, and perhaps some general observations that might have been overlooked by the OP.

Im also fully aware that when one person give their side of the story, its one sided.

At the end of the day, Its not my problem and I cant fix it. I fixed MY problem in an adult way 20 some years ago, and I hope she has been happy with her new husband she got 6 months after the divorce with me. I bit the bullet, accepted the marriage didnt work and moved on.

Now here, there are lots of things I could advise on, from my experience and from my perspective, but the bottom line is that not all the cards on on the table yet... both the married and the divorced men seem to agree with that.

The OP has lots of comments to think about, and only he can choose the ones that fit the TRUTH regarding his situation and work on it.

I wish him lots of luck and hope that BOTH of them can get their priorities in order for each other.
Wifey B: Hope in fixing it you found happiness. You mention it ending the lies of commitment, the very reason we wouldn't say forever, or till death does us part. I don't care if people are married, playing the field, in strange relationships, or whatever it is. Just that they strive for happiness. I am convinced to find that requires honesty. Honestly with themselves and others. You know...for me to just spout out whatever I thought was always easy. For my hubby it was hard. He wants to type.

Hubby B: Ok. She's right. I couldn't say what I was thinking or act on my thoughts. I was too busy trying to do things the right way. I was terrified I'd say the wrong thing, until I found that person who taught me just to be completely honest. I was an incredible actor and lousy at life. That's why no one can really advise. To thy own self be true. Sure makes life easier when we can be.

We wish them both happiness, however that comes.
__________________
BandB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 17:51   #141
senior windbag
 
Cuttyhunk's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: northeast USA
Boat: EndeavourCat 36
Posts: 373
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

When I spent a couple of years cruising in the Caribbean in my thirties, a few couples had condos ashore and visited the condo and shore life every so often. One couple said owning the condo wasn't much more than renting a storage space and using hotels for home visits would have been.

This next go-around, we have the summer house to escape to and it is set up for our elderly years, wide hallways and doors, downstairs bed and bath, etc. So many who are retiring from their jobs and going cruising sound like they haven't thought about ever growing old enough that they will want to or have to return to shore. Perhaps the OP's wife fears that he thinks they will be doing this forever and there is no plan for after, or if she outlives him. I certainly have considered this.

I've been a sailor for over 40 years, and I do tons of maintenance on our boats. I have cruised and plan to do so again. However, I would not be comfortable selling everything and taking off. I have a modest home to return to that is paid off. We won't go if we can't afford it. And we don't just hand the boat over to the yard and say fix it all. My yard was kind enough to compile a list of concerns after changing the oil last fall. They do the oil and winterize the engine because I want them to get some business out of me, and be responsible for any engine freeze damage up here in the cold Northeast. When I met with the service guy, he went over the list and said, you guys are going to do this yourselves, aren't you...yep! The list was really helpful, though, well worth the cost of the winterizing. I just finished sanding the saildrives to shiny aluminum and have the first two coats of Interprotect on. This has taken about 10 hours of my labor so far. Add another 4 hours it took to change the saildrives' oil (should be only three hrs next time). I have two more coats to go, then a couple coats of Pacifica plus. Then I have to clean up and paint the folding props. The yard's labor rate is well over $100/hour, so it behooves me to get dirty and do it myself. The saildrives job wasn't even on the list. They looked fine when we hauled, but by February I could see chalky corrosion coming right through the paint. Didn't help that some idiot in the PO's employ apparently painted them with Micron CSC like the rest of the boat. Fortunately just minor corrosion at this point, but what a pain!

It's always something with a boat. You can't let this depreciating asset bleed you dry and make your wife a pauper in her old age. So convince her she is protected from that nightmare and you may find her less fearful of your dream.
__________________
Cuttyhunk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 18:55   #142
Registered User

Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ottawa ON
Boat: Pearson 424 Ketch
Posts: 91
I suggest you get this book, read it yourself first and then give it to your wife. It may help you find out the real reasons why she doesn't want to go cruising.

http://www.amazon.com/Changing-Cours.../dp/0071427899
__________________
Paul Lefebvre is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 08:43   #143
Registered User
 
Prairie Chicken's Avatar

Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada or Spain
Boat: Jeanneau SO 43 DS
Posts: 1,116
Images: 1
Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by boatman61 View Post
Wonder how many would have the balls to follow their advice.. always easy to be wise with someone else's wife..
Ain't that the truth!
__________________
Prairie Chicken
><((((º>`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>¸.
`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`· ...¸><((((º>
Prairie Chicken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 09:27   #144
Registered User

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Port Ludlow Wa
Boat: Makela,Ingrid38,Idora
Posts: 1,974
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

There is something about the art of slowly going nowhere at great expense that escapes most folks. Face it, those of us who find pleasure in it are a real minority. It shouldn't surprise the OP that spending money on this sport is suspect. Furthermore that yard bill which included thru hull work as well is not out of line, if you consider that all the work was bought.
I suspect that many of the really nice blue water boats in my marina that never move do so because it was tried and the wife didn't like it. Nevertheless the male half cannot surrender the dream that the boat represents. It would be tragic if it wasn't for the fact that they still have a fantastic boat...life can't be too bad.
Just as a side note I heard the other day that a famous race boat up here that has made numerous Hawaii races and cruised the entire PacRim is currently laid up in a barn for "refit". Rumours abound that this " refit" is really confiscation to get the ol' boy off the boat. But then, money is not the same issue I guess in this case.
__________________
IdoraKeeper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 12:28   #145
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 4,881
Re: Wife is close to axing cruising dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestialsailor View Post
Oh...I'm sorry...So it was nothing more than your perception of what folks here were posting...My mistake.
The OP's gotten a lot of good advice from people.

Others on the other hand, will pass off thier comments as hummor...maybe in a passive/agressive way you could call it humor but if you can't see the anger and bitterness in some of these posts, there is no way it can be explained to you. There's an old saying about perception and reality. It does appear to be your mistake:

Slugo, pull your big boy pants up and set the agenda. If she says no tell her you're sorry but this your dream and if she doesn't want to be a part of it, so long. If you give in now you'll just regret the decision and she'll have your number.
Just do it!

Learn to lie like the rest of us.

1 Dump the boat and your (previously agreed to) dream for this apparently manipulative and dishonest person, leaving you unhappy and resentful but you have this wonderful manipulative person to love. High chance you will end up divorced eventually.

2 call her bluff, keep the boat, lose the manipulative and dishonest wife that you love but end up battling it out with lawyers, probably keeping you from your (previously agreed to) dream,

3. Do nothing, hoping the manipulative and dishonest wife will change her mind. (Kind of like playing the lottery)

Dump the wife and go sailing. You can find another 50,000 wives in Mexico

Don't give up. Give her up.

Also if you try and dump the wifey, I can guarantee you the only one owning and cursing the boat will be the wifey, along with your cruising kitty and her new boy toy.

If I had been the OP the last line of the message would have been: "I'm sure going to miss her."

Call a lawyer and review your options, and start squirreling away a kitty of your own in the meantime.

I still miss her some days.

I let that behavior go on too long and it had been out of control so long, there was no getting any equilibrium back in the relationship.
__________________
valhalla360 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 12:49   #146
Senior Cruiser
 
Cheechako's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Skagit City, WA
Posts: 19,365
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

This may be relevant:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and
she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
"She will praise you!

"She will bear your children,and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?” God replied, "An arm and a leg.”Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?”Of course the rest is history!!!!

__________________
"I spent most of my money on Booze, Broads and Boats. The rest I wasted" - Elmore Leonard











Cheechako is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 13:32   #147
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3,157
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by In Training View Post
Ok, I just gotta respond.

I think the problem you guys have is that you make it too easy on your wife to begin with. And I am female.

How anyone who has had to work all their life would rather continue to work than be on a boat in the islands is beyond me. What kind of hours do these women work that they would rather stay in their jobs? Even if you spend half of every day working on the boat, the other half is free.

There are no gardens to work in all summer, only one or two bathrooms to clean. The boat has to be less work than keeping up a house, grounds and working 50-60 hrs. a week.

I can't wait to start a calmer, slower paced life.

Now this is an example of a woman who would like to go cruising. I have to believe that there are others like her out there somewhere.

For those who are already married to a headstone in a cemetery plot, the trick is how to get rid of the headstone and find a new cruising mate without losing too much of one's assets. By the time I find a suitable boat, I hope to find a suitable admiral who shares my (semi-flexible) plans for the future.
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 14:34   #148
Registered User

Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Paradise
Boat: Various
Posts: 2,360
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

If one would choose their boat over their spouse, there is already a problem.

If a spouse would put one in a position of having to choose boat or spouse, there is already a problem.

Communication. Counseling. Both may be in order for many.

Boats or Cruising issues are far more likely to be symptoms of issues than they are the root causes.

Each must find what works for them. However, if the situation is such that one or the other feels compelled to express problems or anger on a forum or facebook or any other public site, then it needs to be addressed between the two people.

Sometimes too people aren't made to be with each other. In fact, some people are not meant to be coupled with any partner. That may be one societal pressure that causes problems, the push toward having a partner, being married. It's not right for everyone. I had a friend who had been through three marriages and all I could think was, "don't you learn? Haven't you ever thought you just aren't to be married, don't like the concept even?". He was my friend, but I could not imagine anyone wanting to be married to him. He was completely inflexible and uncompromising on everything.
__________________
BandB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 14:41   #149
Registered User
 
Prairie Chicken's Avatar

Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada or Spain
Boat: Jeanneau SO 43 DS
Posts: 1,116
Images: 1
Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

You guys have certainly made much of this thread entertaining reading. Do you really think a back rub & fancy dinner will do the trick? Good luck with that!

And to the OP's wife, enjoy that back rub & dinner--and then have that talk. Hopefully you two can agree to give cruising a fair trial of a few months, or a year, and then have another talk.
__________________
Prairie Chicken
><((((º>`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>¸.
`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`· ...¸><((((º>
Prairie Chicken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2014, 15:08   #150
Freelance Delivery Skipper..
 
boatman61's Avatar

Community Sponsor
Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: UK/Portugal
Posts: 20,210
Images: 2
Send a message via Skype™ to boatman61
pirate Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

[QUOTE=BandB;1537241]
Communication. Counseling. Both may be in order for many.
QUOTE]

Yeah... instead of wasting money on a boat.. pay a stranger to listen to your complaints..

Marriage is like a career choice... for some it works fine..
For others tho'.. the shine wears off after a while and it becomes routine and boring so you hand in your notice..
The Boss however wants you to stay.. you are a valuable asset so he offers you a rise.. lets face it.. cash buys most anything.
For a while your flattered and the extra cash is great but a few months down the line the rot sets in again..

If your happy with the Missus and she presses all your buttons change the life style modestly... sell up.. buy a small apartment then sail the boat South.. spend your summers back home and your winters down South.. 6mths each to do your thing.
That way... in the long run you both have a choice or 4... keep things like that.. sell up completely and live the vagabond life... or give up the boat and revert to mud..
Lastly... split up.. she has the apartment.. you have the boat.. and.. if you can stay friends you'll always have a sofa to crash on..
Worked for me..
Life is only as difficult as you choose to make it
__________________


Born To Be Wild
boatman61 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cruising

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Cruising plans and Dreams of Partnership Possibilities Kookaburra Multihull Sailboats 15 19-04-2012 08:39
How Close to Shore Is Too Close While Hove-to ? oldman66 General Sailing Forum 91 21-10-2011 18:25
The Boat of Cruising Dreams - Ovni ribbony Monohull Sailboats 29 17-09-2009 06:14
Too Close! WAY TOO CLOSE! Anchoring Near Jerks MarkJ Anchoring & Mooring 106 20-05-2009 13:58
The Circumnavigators - A Collection of Cruising Dreams maxingout General Sailing Forum 3 30-05-2008 00:31



Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:42.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.