Challenge: Overcoming Major Hurdle to World Cruise: Convincing the Wife !

[hpeer]

We have been going through a version of this for years. Things are evolving.

The whole tale is too long to go through, just say we could have bought a third boat for the cost of counseling. And the first counsellor was an unmitigated a..hole who nearly cost us our marriage. The second is the exact opposite.

Anyway, as I write this we are aboard HER boat. Our challenge is less about whether to go as it is when. She helped me move her boat from Halifax to Delaware a couple of years ago. That's a thousand miles. She wasn't totally comfortable, but plenty good enough for limited cruising.

Our issue is she still wants to work. But we are now part time. A week on, a week off. On the week off we are refitting MY boat, while living on her boat. We spent this hard winter on the boat and that worked fine. I find we enjoy living on the boat. That's working for now. Still I hear the clock ticking far louder than she does. (63 and 61)

Counselors had both recommended us trying the apart thing, me cruising, her working. I did a four month sabbatical, it stunk for both of us. We really are very tied to one another and enjoy one another's company and companionship too much for that.

As soon as we get the small boat capable we are going to take is down the Chesapeake and try hanging out and cruising in that area for a while to see how it goes.

[Cap Erict3]

Brandy, you're a fine girl.......

[krafthaus]

I think us guys get too far ahead of ourselves sometimes (experience talking here) and in the process we can scare our ladies off. One step at a time is the way to go.

For us it started with me suggesting I take some ASA courses in Florida on a vacation in Jan/09 and we could stay on board to "try that out". She indulged me and secretly hoped it would be a passing phase. 101 & 103 went well so I did ASA 104 in Biloxi, MS that March. She was still waiting for me to get over it she admitted! That fall we chartered a little Tanzer 24 for a day and tacked back & forth and it was kind of fun.

The following Spring we started chartering from Vancouver, BC accompanied by adventurous friends. Just one other couple for three days the first time and then we worked our way up to 40+ monos and a 40' catamaran with a group of 10 in a couple of years. We kept our distances short, did lots of sight seeing, kept it fun and always went out for dinner if there was a restaurant! It was a great time and big success.

From there everyone wanted to do some warm weather charters so we chartered 40'+ cats in the Sea of Cortez and the Eastern Caribbean. These trips really confirmed the possibilities.

She's not waiting for me to get over it any more. In fact she's caught the bug too, and we both think spending the winter on a catamaran somewhere warm would be a good idea in the future.

So this is how it worked for us. Good luck to the other couples out there!

[category4jay]

Good for you Man! Im just waiting fir the kids to grad High School then I'm gone!

[category4jay]

So as the OP I feel it is my obligation to the forum to update the situation that started this whole deal. I hate it when someone starts a thread and then just disappears. Unfortunately there is no resolve. I have tried many of the suggestions herein. Books, boat shows movies etc. but to no avail. She isn't budging until the kids graduate High School. In essence I have just stopped altogether trying to convince her otherwise. So the dilemma I have is Go (and leave behind wife kids dogs, house everything) or Wait tip kids graduate and then go with or without her? Thats the place Im at. Im not the kind of guy to just abandon my family so I'm stuck with option 2. Stay tuned...

[category4jay]

Thanks again to everyone for all the GREAT heartfelt input!! CF rocks!

[janice142]

I'm sorry to read your cruising desires didn't succeed where you'd hoped.

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by janice142

I'm sorry to read your cruising desires didn't succeed where you'd hoped.

Temporary setback only. I WILL get there One way another.

[janice142]

Just wondering if you have any guy friends who do the boating thing? Could you hang with them? Maybe one Sunday a month go play with the boys...

You are wise to stop trying to convince her. That's a definite win (for you!)
Daddy used to say:

A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.

Arguing won't change a person, whereas time just might. Not a "you were right dear" event, but a "perhaps we could [fill in watery blank here]" thing.

Does your woman like water? A beach trip is not cruising but you'll get a dose of deep blue, and the kids (girls, wasn't it?) will enjoy the bathing suit/seashell acquisition.

Anyway, I do wish you well.
And as a soloist, I can tell you that the happiest folks seem to be those with a partner fully "on board" experiencing the journey as close compatriots. There's all too often that I found myself calling a friend to share something seen. My friend (Bob) left me recently (the audacity!!!) and I miss him still.

Here's a piece I wrote about Bob, if you're curious:
janice142 article Time Stopped

Chin up, and one day eventually perhaps I'll meet you and your family out here along the waterfront....

[krafthaus]

Originally Posted by category4jay

Good for you Man! Im just waiting fir the kids to grad High School then I'm gone!

If I recall correctly, you have a ways to go before your kids are done school. Ours finished a couple years ago. You'd be good to do some chartering maybe. With friends or the family. Start with a small boat, keep it fun and work your way into it. Or maybe buy a trailer sailer or a hobie cat and start that way.

Best of Luck!

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by hpeer

We have been going through a version of this for years. Things are evolving.

The whole tale is too long to go through, just say we could have bought a third boat for the cost of counseling. And the first counsellor was an unmitigated a..hole who nearly cost us our marriage. The second is the exact opposite.

Anyway, as I write this we are aboard HER boat. Our challenge is less about whether to go as it is when. She helped me move her boat from Halifax to Delaware a couple of years ago. That's a thousand miles. She wasn't totally comfortable, but plenty good enough for limited cruising.

Our issue is she still wants to work. But we are now part time. A week on, a week off. On the week off we are refitting MY boat, while living on her boat. We spent this hard winter on the boat and that worked fine. I find we enjoy living on the boat. That's working for now. Still I hear the clock ticking far louder than she does. (63 and 61)

Counselors had both recommended us trying the apart thing, me cruising, her working. I did a four month sabbatical, it stunk for both of us. We really are very tied to one another and enjoy one another's company and companionship too much for that.

As soon as we get the small boat capable we are going to take is down the Chesapeake and try hanging out and cruising in that area for a while to see how it goes.

Best of Luck to you and your lady. Sounds like you will definitely figure it out.

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by krafthaus

If I recall correctly, you have a ways to go before your kids are done school. Ours finished a couple years ago. You'd be good to do some chartering maybe. With friends or the family. Start with a small boat, keep it fun and work your way into it. Or maybe buy a trailer sailer or a hobie cat and start that way.

Best of Luck!

Yes I have a ways to go before my two kids graduate BUT I see the lighthouse on the horizon I have two boys. One is a Sophomore and the other is a 6th grader so at the most I have 6 years. Thats four less than I had when I started this thread! BTW where did you charter in Del Mar De Cortez??

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by janice142

Just wondering if you have any guy friends who do the boating thing? Could you hang with them? Maybe one Sunday a month go play with the boys...

You are wise to stop trying to convince her. That's a definite win (for you!)
Daddy used to say:

A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.

Arguing won't change a person, whereas time just might. Not a "you were right dear" event, but a "perhaps we could [fill in watery blank here]" thing.

Does your woman like water? A beach trip is not cruising but you'll get a dose of deep blue, and the kids (girls, wasn't it?) will enjoy the bathing suit/seashell acquisition.

Anyway, I do wish you well.
And as a soloist, I can tell you that the happiest folks seem to be those with a partner fully "on board" experiencing the journey as close compatriots. There's all too often that I found myself calling a friend to share something seen. My friend (Bob) left me recently (the audacity!!!) and I miss him still.

Here's a piece I wrote about Bob, if you're curious:
janice142 article Time Stopped

Chin up, and one day eventually perhaps I'll meet you and your family out here along the waterfront....

Thanks janice142. What a wonderful piece you wrote for your friend Bob. May he RIP. Im sorry for your loss- good friends are, indeed, a treasure.
Ironically, my woman does like the water and the beach and boats and all that. Its the kids. She believes that our boys need a grounded (literally) upbringing. The subject of cruising kids and if its good or not for them has been discussed many times. I (and many others in CF) believe that some of the best well rounded, educated, mannered kids I have ever met were cruising kids. Wifey doesn't buy it So I'm gonna just bide my time. Take some ASA classes and save some more shuckles.
I look forward to meeting you someday somewhere. Thanks again.

[youngson]

Originally Posted by weavis

I married a woman who promised to go where I went.
She didnt follow through.
She needed to stay home with mummy and daddy.

She been married to someone else for 20 years now, living in the same house as mummy and daddy. I moved on and flew and sailed and lived abroad. It was a fair swap. She couldnt live the life we planned and I felt it was opposed to the agreement we had. She knew that... and still blamed me. whatever.

My experience, and the experience of my friends is that its a rare woman who will give up land for a nomadic life. Better to decide what you can live with happily. It will alter your marriage if longing and feeling trapped is in your heart. One of you will get bitter and resentful. Can you live with coastal or Lake cruising? Big decisions ahead.

Good luck with that.

Women eh..
no offense CF ladies!

[Cap Erict3]

Originally Posted by janice142

.

There's all too often that I found myself calling a friend to share something seen. My friend (Bob) left me recently (the audacity!!!) and I miss him still.

Here's a piece I wrote about Bob, if you're curious:
janice142 article Time Stopped

Chin up, and one day eventually perhaps I'll meet you and your family out here along the waterfront....

My condolences for your loss.