Challenge: Overcoming Major Hurdle to World Cruise: Convincing the Wife !

[Tellie]

You can't "Push" anything on anybody and expect them to buy into it. It's not Green Eggs and Ham Sam. Lots of neat upsides by going anyway without the wife I suppose. For me it's still a matter of "For better or for worse" An oath I never took lightly. My wife's happiness is my job, one I freely took on. There's a reason this sailing board and most all others are largely dominated by men. Even the majority of women here are here because they followed their man. Very, very few woman take this life style up because it was their own idea. So I would never recommend just doing it and see what happens, especially with two children involved. What happiness you may find pursuing you dream alone may very well be off set by divorce, child support, loss of home, and the income/savings you plan to use to set off on your dream. The many nights, if you have a heart, you'll lie awake wondering if it was really all worth the cost. The cost which will not include respect from your ex wife, children and friends because you were man enough to pursue your personal dream. They will see it for what it really is, desertion of your duty as a husband and father. That being said, perhaps a smaller boat that will afford you some longer distance cruising that you could head off for a few weeks at a time and still return to your family would be best. Marriage, like sailing, is a constant compromise of wants, desires, needs, and reality. A few weeks each year won't be a RTW trip but tends to suppress the wander lust for awhile. Once the kids are out on their own you can easily stretch that into a few months a year. I can't imagine a good wife would have a problem with that.

[Paul L]

Originally Posted by MarkJ

...Some women we have met crusing are always 'white-anting' their husbands and cruise... they make life miserable till the man gives up and goes home.
...

Mark,
I had to look it up to get the translation
White-anting is an Australian term for the process of internal erosion of a foundation. It is often used in reference to groups such as political parties or organisations where information from group insiders is 'leaked' or used to undermine the goals of the group. ...

Paul L

[Stillraining]

Originally Posted by rtbates

How about a compromise? You sail the boat to paradise and she flies there and you both gunkhole around. That's how my wife and I'll be doing it.
I love sailing, but not near as much as I love my wife.

Ditto! & Ditto!

Originally Posted by Tellie

You can't "Push" anything on anybody and expect them to buy into it. It's not Green Eggs and Ham Sam. Lots of neat upsides by going anyway without the wife I suppose. For me it's still a matter of "For better or for worse" An oath I never took lightly. My wife's happiness is my job, one I freely took on. There's a reason this sailing board and most all others are largely dominated by men. Even the majority of women here are here because they followed their man. Very, very few woman take this life style up because it was their own idea. So I would never recommend just doing it and see what happens, especially with two children involved. What happiness you may find pursuing you dream alone may very well be off set by divorce, child support, loss of home, and the income/savings you plan to use to set off on your dream. The many nights, if you have a heart, you'll lie awake wondering if it was really all worth the cost. The cost which will not include respect from your ex wife, children and friends because you were man enough to pursue your personal dream. They will see it for what it really is, desertion of your duty as a husband and father. That being said, perhaps a smaller boat that will afford you some longer distance cruising that you could head off for a few weeks at a time and still return to your family would be best. Marriage, like sailing, is a constant compromise of wants, desires, needs, and reality. A few weeks each year won't be a RTW trip but tends to suppress the wander lust for awhile. Once the kids are out on their own you can easily stretch that into a few months a year. I can't imagine a good wife would have a problem with that.

Nice post Tellie...I could not agree more...nor add anything to better it.

To the OP...I will only say because it hasn't been brought up yet....That you yourself don't even know if your cut out for a cruiser's life style or ocean passages...I don't either, and we wont until we try....So asking our mates to take that risk when its not there dream is understandably out in left field in there frame of mind..

The only men I feel sorry for are the ones that were basically lied to by women ...men that were already cruisers and a new wife 180'ed on them after the marriage...these are the hard ones for me to not agree and say the heck with it I'm leaving, you coming or staying......otherwise for all the single guys or gals reading this, marriage is a covenant for better or worse, and ment to be till death do us part, no matter what....choose wisely...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36WEn-9zs1U

[Kordie]

This is going to sound really shallow and probably offend several.

I was married to a woman who had no interest in anything I did. The world revolved around her - I later found she had Aspergers which made a lot of things fall into place.

After 17 years of marriage, the last five years where she studied medicine (an awful time for all of us around her as we all supported her wholeheartedly to achieve her dream), marriage that I thought was sacred and inviolable and I did all I could to keep her happy, she met a fellow at work who understood her and within a few weeks had left our daughters and me for him. She was so taken with him that she didn't even call her daughters for nearly three months. After 6 months she announced she was coming back to us but unfortunately I had found that our family was all much happier without her being cranky every evening so I surprised her by saying no.

Fast forward two years and I couldn't be happier. I realise that not all woman are unhappy unless they get what they want. Some are even quite selfless and often put their partner's happiness first

My message is that you need to draw a line. Don't suspend your life compromising your dreams to keep someone else happy. If this is your dream then tell her, invite her along but make sure you go.

If she is prepared to compromise then she will meet you at different places and even join you now and then. You can't expect her to uproot her life to do something against her will but conversely she can't expect you to abandon your dream just because she isn't interested.

If the marriage doesn't last then guess what. You will be busy sailing and meeting like minded people and I bet you will end up happier than ever.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

Apologies to all I offend with my flippant view of sacred matrimony.

Cheers,

Simon

[surfmachine]

Yo Daddle, way to go.

It's my opinion that everyone can be about as happy as he or she chooses to be!
I just can't see how you can make another person happy if they don't want to be?

I really enjoy surfing and sailing, things my wife does not enjoy, but but I have been doing them for 40 years and still happily married!!

It's a bit like hang gliding, you can stand on the edge of the cliff wondering, should I jump and fly or not???? I have jumped, often, crashed a few times but what a life?

On this newly acquired boat I just seem to lurch from one insurmountable catastrophe to another, but I manage to overcome them all and now they are a distant memory.

Fair winds from Keith.............

[category4jay]

Just want to thank all you guys for taking the time to respond to my challenge. Its been quite enlightening and theres been some solid advice given. Obviously Im not the only one to have gone through or is going through this situation. Several people have asked specific questions about my situation which I will answer soon which I will do soon.

I can answer a couple questions though.
1) The boat I believe I would cruise with would be a 45 -50 Cat. Sorry Mono guys. I believe this option would give me and my family the space that would work.
2) Yes I have some money. I'd have to liquidate some assets but I can make it work.
3) My boys are "All In" with the idea. They love adventure and have the passports to prove it. Family vacation this year will be surfin in Costa Rica. Yes the wife too. She loves traveling, but she knows she has a place to "come home too."
4. No I do not have a ton of sailing experience, but Ive been on boats of all types and sizes my whole life. Never been seasick and have loved every moment Ive ever had at sea.

Thanks again everyone.

[Silverbow]

Been married 19 years and we both agree... the mono was fun in the beginning but, if we are going to circumnavigate the world, we need to do it in a CAT... the last 10 years or so, being a soldier have been tough, but I married well, and once the last kid is in college, then we will start the around the world tour.

[since 2001: 2x18 month and 3x12 month tours] ... and I know guys who just launched tour number 8... 'Houston we have a problem'!


I recently re-read Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn - The Gulag Archipelago and how the wives of the men who were sent there (not all, but many) waited for their husbands to be released. 20 years they waited - took their vows seriously! Couples should read this novel! Gives an excellent understand of relationship, love, marriage, and committment.

Sacrifice has been the key to our success! Plus being able to recognize when one of us is wrong or made a mistake... and even harder, owning up and saying sorry... "please forgive me". We do this all the time. No human is perfect. I see our relationship lasting until death.

As a soldier for 22 years, I have seen plenty of marriages go sour... especially in the last 10 years. (and many suicides have resulted from these failed relationships). Mulitple year long deployments 'hammer' relationships... and intensly on young ones. I feel especially bad for their kids... [sigh]

What does it take to get a lady, to drop everything and travel around the world in a boat? In my case, it has been the promise that I will respect her, admit when I am wrong, make sacrifices for her... and we talk about stuff... and she reciprocates. Once someone becomes 'stubborn' then you know that relationship is going to fail.

Our biggest hurdle is our kids. If one should begin to falter; do we abandon our dreams to rescue our child? Or do we let our child rescue herself (only daughters). This is a huge discussion between us always. For us, it will be abandonment of the dream to rescue the child.

I think 'the nest' theory is dead on. ... Marriage is (as it has forever and always been) a chellenge for the Journeyer!

[Stillraining]

Nice post Calvin!

[Tellie]

[since 2001: 2x18 month and 3x12 month tours] ... and I know guys who just launched tour number 8... 'Houston we have a problem'!



Five tours for you and others have done eight?
You have no idea how much respect I have for you, Thank you Thank you Thank you

[IceMan]

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. My wife is the one with the sailing dream. As far as getting her to let go of the land, she just about sold the house out from under us because I wasn't fixing it up fast enough to get it sold. Long story short. Sold the house, bought the boat, retired, now living on the boat and fixing it up to start traveling. She is even trying to get her niece to letting her daughter go with us because it will be a far better education than she will get in the public schools.
WD

[nautical62]

That sound like a tough situation. I'm not married, but I have sailed with a number of women and I'll echo what Mark said: women tend to like comfort and security more than men and what we see as adventure, they may see as misadventure.

It sounds like you've done a few trips like the windjammer cruise. Continuing that sort of thing sounds like a good approach to me. Introduce her to or continue to expose her to the best that cruising has to offer. Make sure your sailing vacations are good experiences on comfortable boats, in good locations in great weather. Maybe hire a local captain. Get her hooked!

You might also read through the thread for women sailors here. It may offer some insights.

Finding someone who has the same outlook I do in regards to sailing and adventure travel is probably the main reason I'm still single. It's tough.

All the best.

[David_Old_Jersey]

No personal experiance to share, but...........


As she does seem to like the foreign travel to exotic places why not suggest buying a Catamaran now and basing it in somewhere like the Carribean.........with the plan being to use it for only a couple of months a year, whether continuously or a few times a year. Over time she may grow to love the idea and want to go longer, or even full time ............or she may not ................., if she simply finds the boat 24/7 thing the problem then maybe rent ashore - if that is the price of your extended trip........But at least her decision will be based on her own 1st hand knowledge.........you can always top up your adventure quota at other times during the year by crewing on yachts going transocean, and even if she doesn't want to go full time the compromise may turn out to be good enough to satisfy you.......IMO the worst option would be an unhappy and reluctant woman onboard 24/7 for an extended period - nowhere to hide from that, even on a 50' cat

A nice bag of money would help with above of course..............

To be fair to your wife, for some (many?) folk floating around in a boat 24/7 ad infinitum is genuinely about as attractive a prospect as getting Piles. but without the fun . If the boot was on the other foot I know what my answer would be if an other half said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me..........whilst sitting in a tent knitting yoghurt in the wilds of Borneo. But, as always, YMMV on that one

[Stillraining]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

No personal experiance to share, but...........


To be fair to your wife, for some (many?) folk floating around in a boat 24/7 ad infinitum is genuinely about as attractive a prospect as getting Piles. but without the fun . If the boot was on the other foot I know what my answer would be if an other half said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me..........whilst sitting in a tent knitting yoghurt in the wilds of Borneo. But, as always, YMMV on that one

I had to look up some words, but you always paint and easely understood word picture David...its a gift.. LOL

[Stein]

I'm impressed by the quantity of really good stuff here. Not much I could add...
If any it would just be the simple questions with no easy answer: What is your main project? Ending the type of life you have now, or entering new things into the old one?

You say something about being 50 but feeling 30, while feeling she's 45 seeming 60. Is that a way of saying that dreams aside, you're not happy together and have learned that you are the wrong type of people for each other? Is this an excuse for wanting out? Of course that's not your predominant thought, but is it somewhere motivating the rest? Think about it with some suspicion. The "greener grass" and all that with it.

Remember also that you may have some responsibility for her mentally seeming 60. It could be you signal clearly you are not happy with your life, her and what she feels is essential elements. If so, she may feel rather permenently unhappy. Hardly the best conditions for an optimistic spirit...? You both have the responsibility for making each other smile.

If you find that what you really want is to keep the marriage alive and rewarding, I'm convinced that some level of compromise, as suggested by several others above, and selling it from the right angle, will make both your lives richer.

Good luck!

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Stillraining

I had to look up some words, but you always paint and easely understood word picture David...its a gift.. LOL

But the Google thread ads might know more ...........gave me an ad for Divorce