Spouse hates my boat

[Crosis]

I apologize if I come off as cold but I feel being straight to the point is the best policy.


I can see its not the boat she doesn't like. She doesn't like sailing, cruising or the ocean at all. If you give in here you will never be on the water again. NEVER deprive yourself the pleasures of life for anyone. No one is worth it. If you sell the boat and stay with her, you will hold it against her and your marriage will suffer anyway.


Simply put your wife is uncaring to your needs and selfish. She knew you were a boater when she met you and to ask you to give up your boat and boating altogether is unreasonable and messed up. You made a huge mistake marrying her. She is not a good wife for a boater. I would dump her fast and not look back. She clearly cares more about herself than she does you and is an unfit wife. Set your finances in a way to protect your money and dump the unworthy flesh.

[AZUS]

Anyone can see how badly you are hurting over this. I, for one, am proud of you for your decision. As much as we all love sailing and our boats, boats are things, and your wife is your mate for life. You absolutely did the right thing as much as it hurts, and your wife has the right to not like our "hobby", or the time it takes. We could easily have been where you are, and you have just made me more appreciative.

I don't know where you go from here, but one thought. You have a lot of knowledge and passion for restoration. Is there anything you can do from shore that exploits that interest? A "This Old Boat" book or blog to write perhaps?

I am really sorry for your pain, but know that many man would not have had the character you have demonstrated in choosing your mate over yourself.

[agmay]

Sounds like a lot going on here. You "have no other interests or hobbies" and your wife hates what you love. 20+ years of kids, etc can mask a marriage unravelling. Did she ever enjoy boating? You described this as an older boat suitable for nostalgic tours...maybe you need a more modern vessel? Heads, galley, storage, heat and a/c are hard to compromise on if you aren't enamored of boat life to begin with. Anyway, don't do anything rash. Would she agree to some serious counseling? Good luck!

[Mutt]

Sounds like a control issue. What else is being controlled? You need to decide for your self. Cost of getting rid of wife can be very significant, but then we only live once. Having similar interests is very important in a relationship. In my case, the new woman loves boating.

[gilgsn]

The boat is not the issue. I once got rid of a boat in the same circumstances. After the divorce I bought it back. DO NOT sell your boat. Your marriage is doomed either way, so you might as well keep it.

Gil


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[Harvey Mason]

Work to save the marriage. Professional marriage counseling should help in understanding respective needs and areas of compromise required from both partners in the marriage. You have children and possibly future grandchildren in your life. I love my sailboat, but it pales compared to being grandpa. Long term priorities should support family, and if a future grandchild wants to sail, be there for him or her. You can always get another boat.

[ntscout]

Originally Posted by Harvey Mason

Work to save the marriage. Professional marriage counseling should help in understanding respective needs and areas of compromise required from both partners in the marriage. You have children and possibly future grandchildren in your life. I love my sailboat, but it pales compared to being grandpa. Long term priorities should support family, and if a future grandchild wants to sail, be there for him or her. You can always get another boat.

Gotta disagree there - you can't always get another boat that has the same place in one's heart.

[letsgetsailing3]

Originally Posted by ntscout

ok, so long time lurker, not much of a poster. Really need some advice on this.

I have an older boat that I have completely restored to like new condition. Surveyor says it is in bristol condition. I absolutely adore this boat and have put so many hours into researching, restoring and using it. Recently got my 100T Captains license as well.

Here's the rub, my wife hates my boat, the slowness of boat travel and the ocean. Not only that, but she hates it when I want to use the boat by myself or go somewhere with a group of boaters.

There is insufficient information offered here to justify some of the strong (but expected) advice in this forum. The people here are cruisers, not marriage counselors.

Do you love your wife? A good wife shouldn't be traded for all the tea in China. Why did you get married to begin with? This isn't about a boat, it's about a relationship. I'm not big on ultimatums, but if your wife feels that you care more about the boat and being off on your own than being with her, then your wife's reaction is probably a normal one. If she's worth keeping, then you need to make some big changes pronto. Relationships are more important than things, and your marital relationship is the most important one you have.

Is your wife a consideration? Do the two of you have common interests? Because from the information here it seems that a big portion of the problem is that she's left out of your "hobby", for whatever reason. Why do you want to boat alone or without her? I can somewhat understand the resentment if you've spent a lot of hours tinkering on the boat while she's home alone or taking care of your household, but that data isn't really provided here. What does she do when you're working on boat restoration or boating?

Objectively, you've got some tradeoffs to make. What do you feel is more replaceable, your wife or your boat? If your wife is worth keeping, you may be lucky that the animosity is directed at the boat and not you. For it to get this extreme, you missed some signs. It's time to start paying attention and making big boy decisions.

[RebinVa]

The point no one has raised is do you LOVE this woman? If you
DO, take some of the advice above about how to save the marriage. I think you will resent her if you flat out sell your boat and you might want to think about the putting it on the hard possibility and not looking at it for 6-12 months, etc. At that point you will be better able to decide if you have to sell to keep her.

If you DO NOT or don't know whether you do or not, find a way to protect the boat and move toward dissolution of the marriage.

As said above there are many women out there who you could be happy with. Or, have one in every port. ;>)

[Julie Mor]

Having just read the replies since my last post, and re-read the original post, it sounds like a battle brewing. Two people who want very different things and still want to stay together? Something has to give.

I personally believe some things are innate within us and cannot be changed. My first time sailing I fell in love with it. It gives me something nothing else can. That doesn't mean it replaces anything or anyone in my life, just that in order to live in harmony, I need to have sailing in my life.

Ultimatums are completely one-sided. My way or the highway kind of stuff. Never good. But when an ultimatum means eliminating something that is innate within you, it's best to stand your ground. Ask for a compromise but if none is given, there are no good choices available. You just have to do what's right for you.

[Azul]

My brother was a helicopter pilot for the US Army. He was making $53K many years ago and loved his job, and they had two kids. They lived near his wife's parents close to Fort Rucker. When he got an assignment to go to Germany for two years unaccompanied (without family) or three years with family, his wife told him he needed to get out of the Army as she couldn't stand to be away from her parents. He left the Army and even got a bonus to get out due to a downsizing but never found a private helicopter job and ended up working at a tire factory. She left him within a year anyway and moved in with her parents.

One of my ex wives (I have a low tolerance for BS) married one of my friends, a doctor. She got him to sell a lot of his waterfront property and nice cars, then they built a huge house together. At that point the money was comingled and when they split up he was out of luck.

I'm not going to give you any advice, other than if she tries to get you to tattoo her name on your penis I would be even more concerned about your future.

[captlloyd]

What ever you do, don't sell that boat. A good marriage is a series of compromises, and your wife is refusing to compromise at all. Offer to see a counselor. If your wife does not like ocean travel, offer to fly her to your destination. There are so many possibilities. Good luck.

[nimblemotors]

A friend really loves fishing, goes as often as he can. What he likes the most about it is his wife hates it and will never go fishing with him, so going fishing gets him away from his wife. Some relationships are like that.
Nobody knows what yours is really like.

1. Don't sell the boat right now.
2. Get counseling to understand real issues.

A boat is just 'stuff'.
A divorce is a horrible thing.
An unhappy/disfunctional marriage is worse.

Pithy advice is easy to give.
(btw, My wife number three looks to be a charm. )

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by Azul

One of my ex wives (I have a low tolerance for BS)

I laughed out loud when I read this.

Hope I never can use that phrase, but if I can that's going as my signature

[chuckr]

ntscout -- if i could can i ask a question please? first you did not say what type of boat but it may matter. i understand your love of this boat you rebuilt but! does it heel a lot? another woman sailor took my admiral out in a boat that heeled a lot and put the rail in the water. my admiral came back and said she would never sail with that woman again and if i ever did that i would be sailing alone. fortunately our jeanneau ds40, that she helped pick out, does not sail well when heeled a lot.

second, beyond being slow, is what else does she not like; the galley, the width, the sleeping accomodations, ect. i hate to say it maybe it is the boat.

now i am not a big hunter fan as i think, and will illicit a lot of negative comments on me, hunters are strictly drinking platforms (please be gentle just my opinion). but we have friends who sold hunters and they said they never sold one to a man; always the woman.

have you looked at a cat? i do not know where you live but take her to a boat show, she will probably not want to go, and she if any positive comments come out of her.

maybe both of you can work it out.

by the way on our 3rd year out we were somplace in the usa and met a couple in a bar and they got in to what we were doing and he told us that they were cutting the dock line in january and even she said she was excited about it but then she add that they had to be back in april for a grandchilds birthday, then they would leave but be back in july for another, then of course they had to be back for ectect. you get the drift. we gave them a boat card and told us they would see us out there. when they left we looked at each other and said they will never leave.

good luck