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Old 13-09-2015, 17:10   #346
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by tobe View Post
I stumbled across this forum and am so thankful. After reading some of these posts I can totally understand how much my husband loved his boat. I knew it but I see it more after reading through your posts.


All I know is a THING should not replace PEOPLE. Please work together to pursue the goal of family and boating. One party should not have all the say as to which boat, marina, route, etc to take. Or basically they have already made it clear in their minds they are the captain and the crew is easily replaceable.

I really pray you work things out with your wife and see things from her perspective too. Love endures all!

it is not about THE boat, but the activity. in your own words, your guy was happy with a different boat after the fact. sure it is sad when any couple goes their separate ways. but i for one would not want to be the spouse that drags down my partner because i cant get into an activity on the same level. if it came to that it would be time for me to move on.

my hat is off to you for not going after the boat just to hurt him. that is absent in so many people these days. heck if i wasn't so addicted to sailing i would be tempted to send you flowers...
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Old 13-09-2015, 18:55   #347
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by VinnyVincent View Post
Each day I seem to get a subtle reminder as to why I have never thought about getting married.
Now I understand why so many boat owners are single.

My wife and i do everything together on our boat.

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Old 15-09-2015, 09:06   #348
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by tobe View Post
I stumbled across this forum and am so thankful. After reading some of these posts I can totally understand how much my husband loved his boat. I knew it but I see it more after reading through your posts.
Tobe, I have the feeling, that you still do not get it. Instead you have a perception of that "men must love boats". And its not about he is loving you less... radically I could say: he only could love you maximum if you would stay with him on the boat, because thats the right place he has to be. :-)

But lets start slowly...

I say: no, it is not love... it is the "true being". Thats what evokes the conflict between many men and women, as humans are different. Some people need to live in mountains, others on the beach, and some must stay on high seas on boats.

Naturally, we men and sailors look at boats and love their beautyness. But this is only the result what boats stand for... it is like: you eat something delicious being cooked by another person and you enjoy the taste and you love this specific kind of receipe prepared by this single person nobody else can cook it same way. You want eat it again and again.

But its not about "love" in the romantic way we mostly are educated in Western world by the concept of romantic love which was established in the 19th century. In some other cultures exist the form of "arranged marriage" and still there we find a form of loving probably most of us in Western world would not accept.

I started reading about sailing in my teenager time. Nobody told me to read it. It affected me. My first sailing experience was on a river and in summer holidays I went to sailing school in Austria at the age of 12. - I loved that time to read about Captains on high seas, sailing with their 3 mast ships through the oceans and discovering new land in times of 16th-17th century like James Cook or Portugese explorer Ferdinand Magellan.

How comes ??? Nobody told me, nobody showed me... in other words: my inner voice called for this.... inspite I grew up with skiing since my 3rd ear of life in high mountains. Non of my family member ever sailed. - Yes, I like skiing, I like snow... it is sport. - But only on the water I can be myself. There I get my energy back in the real "being form" of traditional seamanship.

If you get curious about, read Nadolny's "The Discovery of Slowness" and you will understand a lot about the nature of sailing.... and the way how sailor's think and feel.

Some people need mountains, others can work in cole mines, another must work as farmer to be on the field and care for a good crop or in the forrest to smell wood... whatever e.g. being a surgerist standing witha scalpell in a bloody surgery room or handling animal skins as a shoe maker.

It is like plants. Some need dry ground, others lots of water, some only can stand in the shaddow or need hot son. If you put the plant into the wrong place, it suffers and dies... it cant bloom. It becomes sick and get killed.

Same is with real sailors. It is mother nature which gives us the energy back... it is the colours of the waves, the sound of the water flowing along the hull... it is feeling the wind... a very specific way of "being" and not "having". Sailing is not just pleasure... it can become wet, cold, stormy... and it is risky we can loose our life out there on high seas. No 100% guarantee to survive a sailing trip many risks are waiting.

Watch this promotion video about a vessel... and it will help you in differntly way to understand how boats can affect a human being so heavily that it can influence their whole life. The Lynx is a good example...


(Rec.: Little bit pathetic and romanticism this promo vid but it hits the nail on the head.)

We sailors say: Every boat has a soul... only if its on the water under sails, then its alive in its elements. If a boat is staying all year in the harbour, it is like a dead body (of wood, steal, epoxy, aluminium).

When I see a ship sinking or I hear a capsizing in news of a crew with her boat on ocean off shore I start crying... seeing a boat sinking is like seeing a human dying. Yeah, maybe little bit crazy... but so we feel. Our emotional bondage with sea and boats is very, very close. No idea why it is like it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tobe View Post
However, I also saw many family men state - leave the wife if she has a problem with the boat. The boating life is beautiful when shared but it should not consume you. As the wife, I felt second priority to the boat. I don't think the wife in the original post was going to force the boat sale? Maybe she wanted to know that you loved her more than your boat and she was just upset.
All what we do is consuming us. Life itself consumes as we pay one day the prize to die (hopefully naturally by aging). It is an illusion not to do so. If a woman becomes pregnant, the pregnancy consumes her body, she gets cellulitis and after birth, probably most women dont get back her old figure. Only by giving away energy we get energy back, over years by aging the level changes down.

Everything what we do has a prize as it costs energy. The question is: Do we get enough energy back from what we invest into it. Boating is not only beautiful. A sailor often gets dirty hands by repairings, refitting the boat. And sailing through a strom over days is no more fun.

Sailing is hard in some situations, even in modern times with all the luxury on sailing yachts we find... its still tough work, lots of time must be invested to repair a boat as it is in a very unfriendly environment. Salt water produces corrosion, wood is rottening by time, steal becomes rusty... and sails are destroyed by very aggressive UV (ultraviolet light). All on a boat is destroyed quickly... sadly to say. Its an endless fight to keep a boat in good shape. Is it worth all that hard and costly work ?

Again: its not about owning a boat. Maybe your husband still has misunderstood the conception of sailing. Maybe he just sees it as a hobby defined by "having an own and expensive boat". But sailing can be much more than just entertainment or a fun sport.

Off-shore sailing regularly it is not about having a big (or luxury) boat with big mast, big eninge and huge sails. It needs the balance to have the adequate boat one can be him- or herself, in the given conditions. If one misses to keep the balance, it can be deadly on high seas.

I would warn every sailor to go with a 20 foot boat into the Southerns, thats kind of suicide... and more safely on a 40 or 50 footer (but still very risky). - Boats have been built to keep humans alive, being in balance with nature, the right size of mast, the adequate amount of sails area, the strength of the hull and the speed of the boat... naval architects as constructors care a lot for this and wisely the beautifully lines defined by designers and realized experienced boat builders/sail makers.

In times of modern life and in Western world, where people can afford expensive hobbies, they quickly loose the senses as they think they can pay for every dream and wish spending money from their filled bank accounts. But thats not sailing in the sense of "traditional seamanship".

Same, you can watch this video... and you will understand that even with "nearby 0 money" one can experience the real spirit and purest form of sailing which was discovered by young people... an excellent documentary


(Rec.: It even helped me as sailor (having started sailing in the 70th) to remember some important things in sailing I have forgotten as land life has spoilt me too heavily.)

Pls dont understand my comment as critics. I dont know you, so I cannot judge. I just can read some of your text lines and can comment what comes into my mind, by my own experiences.

Its a good sign that you read this thread to get an understanding to keep your own partnership alive - with or without a boat in the family...

Maybe you never can understand a sailor, as it is not the environment you need for yourself to feel well. Same this is not a critics from mine as we all have our limits by feelings to understand others, even our partners.
Maybe you must work with plants, do gardening or ride a horse... whatever to feel well and to be in the right place on this planet earth. :-) E.g. I never can understand people why they love keeping poisoness snakes in the terrarium. : But I love the beautyness of Cobra snakes ! So sweet creatures...
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Old 15-09-2015, 17:33   #349
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

You can not insist that someone does something to make one happy. Happiness is an inside job. So, while one can choose to honor another's wishes, neither will be happy if they both are not pursuing happiness as a goal....no matter what.
You see, one can keep the boat but still be unhappy if one is not practicing happiness. Happiness does not come from a boat, or an adventure, or another human being. Happiness is what you do just because the alternative is unacceptable.

Having said that....sometimes it's easier to find inspiration from the deck of a boat......
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Old 20-06-2016, 18:48   #350
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote: "At 54, I think I am washed up on finding a more rational woman but i could find another boat."

At 54 I'd had one ultimatum too many. Turned the tables, smiling all the way out the door.

Twenty years of quite contented celibacy later, a wonderful woman trips me up in a wet parking lot one dark night and sez "Would you like to take me to the Legion?" "THE LEGION???" Now, there's a pickup-line I've never heard before!

Coupla years later, having never set foot in a boat in all her life, she MAKES me buy a boat! I kick and scream all the way to the broker's, of course, but she MAKES me :-)!

So don't despair!

TrentePieds
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Old 21-06-2016, 06:52   #351
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

There's always more to the story but I am not asking. It's probably not the boat, it's more about the experiences you have, or have not had, together on the boat. If you are not interacting well when together on the boat (I say this from experience - my fault) then she will associate it with negativity. Also if you retreat to the boat as your "man cave" - that will have the same effect (been there). Is she intimidated with the boat, doesn't understand the systems or how to sail? Again, she will not associate it with pleasure (been there too). Personally I think selling the boat is a band aid, if she is forcing you to do that it is not a long term solution. If you can't be "you" I think there are much bigger problems.
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Old 21-06-2016, 07:02   #352
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Trentepieds: Read your comments and had a smile on my face. Nice to see people happy!


We keep getting delayed on leaving Indiana and getting our boat -- husband just dragging things out, some times want to strangle him -- but I know there is a reason we are still here. He took his sister to the hospital today, he is her only relative left, both their parents died when they were in their teens and she never married. My mom is 91 and lives across the street. Have turned town two promotions to stay close since my dad died, don't intend to give up the rest of my life.


I've been pushing husband to get rid of his properties so we can leave, headache free, but some people are more emotional than others and so for some it is hard to sell everything and leave their families. Need to trust that things will unfold the way they are supposed to be.


Keep telling myself that things are the way they are supposed to be right now, as we are the only ones my mom and my husband's sister have. His sister can come with us if she wants to, not sure how to handle my mom. I have given up two promotions to stay near her since my dad died, not going to give up the rest of my life. Things everyone struggles with. It is encouraging to read how it worked out well for someone.
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Old 21-06-2016, 07:48   #353
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

I feel bad for the guys who's wives hate boats! My wife is the driving force behind
Our boat. Whatever it needs or is just nice to have is going to get there eventually��
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Old 21-06-2016, 08:04   #354
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by S/V Illusion View Post
Sounds like the title you used speaks quite clearly to the real problem - 'your' boat.

Does that explain sufficiently who did what wrong here?
No, I don't think that is at all clear.

It seems like this is about independence. whether you each have a right to your own lives within the marriage. Personally, I think you do and I don't buy the "joined at the hip" crap. It is a myth to believe 2 people belong that close. Ick.

I don't see anything wrong with you having your boat and her having her house or whatever. A couple should be able to be happy both together and doing things apart. It works for us. My wife doesn't love boating the way I do, but she won't let me sell it; she knows it is good for our marriage. I'm not cranky if I get some play time.
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Old 18-08-2016, 08:42   #355
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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My wife read your post and suggested you keep the boat and put your wife on the market!
Does your wife have a sister?
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Old 18-08-2016, 08:54   #356
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

It seems to me sailors of old had the right idea and solved this problem years ago. Get married and she can stay on land. go to the next port and meet up with your wife and family there. Go to the next port and see the wife and kids there. Simple!
Just never let them meet each other. And don't run out of ports.
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Old 18-08-2016, 14:01   #357
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Old thread...anyone know what happened to the original poster? Divorce? Reconciliation? Boat sold?
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Old 22-09-2016, 13:35   #358
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Sorry to say if your spouse does not share the same interests then time to set sail. Being married is about spending time together and I was in the same predicament. I have sailed my whole life and my ex knew this when we got married. Initially she liked sailing but then changed her tune......and the times I sat alone on the boat wondering what I did wrong forced me to come to the realization my interests had not changed but hers did. Did we both change over time, yes, that is what life is about, to grow and evolve. However my core interests did not.

That being said I lost 50% of my net worth......but kept the boat and found someone who does share my interests, which is what life is all about. Never let someone squash your dreams. Getting divorced was the hardest thing I ever did (gave up drinking to be strong enough to do) and I make a living working on the water facing death on a routine basis (marine contractor) but I would never change one thing I did......and neither should you with your dreams.
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Old 22-09-2016, 14:32   #359
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by onthewateralot View Post
Sorry to say if your spouse does not share the same interests then time to set sail. Being married is about spending time together and I was in the same predicament. I have sailed my whole life and my ex knew this when we got married. Initially she liked sailing but then changed her tune......and the times I sat alone on the boat wondering what I did wrong forced me to come to the realization my interests had not changed but hers did. Did we both change over time, yes, that is what life is about, to grow and evolve. However my core interests did not.

That being said I lost 50% of my net worth......but kept the boat and found someone who does share my interests, which is what life is all about. Never let someone squash your dreams. Getting divorced was the hardest thing I ever did (gave up drinking to be strong enough to do) and I make a living working on the water facing death on a routine basis (marine contractor) but I would never change one thing I did......and neither should you with your dreams.
Well said.
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Old 16-10-2016, 10:38   #360
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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At least in my case this boat was purchased, improved and maintained with sole and separate funds so i don't have to sell the boat in event of a divorce unless i want to even in a community property state. At 54, I think I am washed up on finding a more rational woman but i could find another boat.

Don't count on being washed up and sell out. I am 53 year old sailor that only gave up my boat because I had to make choices on where I was going to live. Maybe get another one later.Moved to Mexico.
The worst time in life for me was when I realized I was with the wrong mate for this time period in my life. Best mate to raise children but after they were grown we shared no interest. He wanted to continue to work and I wanted to travel. Worked for children, house, college, now was our time and he didn't show up for it. Not angry, it was sad that we had nothing in common but children after 26 years.
Now traveling by RV in summer, living in Mexico for winter and sailing as crew. This is not washed up!



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