Spouse hates my boat

[VinnyVincent]

Originally Posted by tobe

However, I also saw many family men state - leave the wife if she has a problem with the boat. The boating life is beautiful when shared but it should not consume you. As the wife, I felt second priority to the boat. I don't think the wife in the original post was going to force the boat sale? Maybe she wanted to know that you loved her more than your boat and she was just upset.
Really? It's these kinds of dramatic games that some women play that make some family me say "if it's like that, just leave her". Forcing a person to sell something off they love and worked hard for, for your own self validation is something I would not put up with.


Placing the boat on hold and focusing on your family is a great idea - then making her part of the decision to boat together would be a happy one for her. However, leaving her to boat solo all the time - not a good idea.
Clearly he enjoys boating and she doesn't. If she refuses to go boating most of the time, what option does he have to do what he loves?

A little bit about me - Married for over 15years. For about 6 of those we started boating as a family. Husband wanted to get into it and we did and we enjoyed it for the most part. Although it took every penny to keep it. It was on water 3 months out of the year due to the climate we live in.
This is exactly my point I made above. The guy put blood, sweat and tears into something and is forced to sell it, because the wife is jealous of a THING

He didn't want to and he highly resents me for it like many of the boaters in this forum said. Many problems began after this.
Of course he resents you for that. You gave him an ultimatum to ditch something that was his life's passion

Like many of you said you would do - He left us, his family after this. He couldn't get over the loss of his boat and resented me. He quickly mortgaged a less expensive boat after selling the yacht.
What a shame.

I knew boating was his life so I did not touch it in the legal agreement; trying to avoid divorce but he won't reconcile after all this. I let him have the boat. He found a young beautiful girl - 10 years younger to share his passion with him among others that want to sip cocktails and enjoy the boating life.
I'm really trying not to offend here, but it sounds like he made the right decision.


All I know is a THING should not replace PEOPLE. Please work together to pursue the goal of family and boating. One party should not have all the say as to which boat, marina, route, etc to take. Or basically they have already made it clear in their minds they are the captain and the crew is easily replaceable.
So it's okay for one party to say "sell your life's passion, or else"? I don't get that. Sounds like a one way street to me. You are right, people shouldn't replace things...but when someone gets jealous of a thing someone does, which is essentially harmless...AND refuses to participate with them, then gives you an ultimatum to give it all up and live a totally different lifestyle...well, suddenly it seems that you could in fact be happier with an object, rather than a person controlling you

Each day I seem to get a subtle reminder as to why I have never thought about getting married.

[chris mac]

IMHO marriage is a partnership. Each will support the passion of the other. The problem happens when it changes from passion to obsession.
Have this same conversation about drinking. You have a nice glass or 2 of wine with dinner, no problem. It it develops into spending all day everyday at the pub, we have a problem.
If you are so absorbed in one thing at the expense of all others, its an obsession.
I love being on the boat, no need to get explain. You all get it. But I also love my wife (20 years last month) what I love the most is being on the boat with my wife. It's not her favourite thing but she supports my dreams, as I support hers.
A good marriage or relationship is definitely worth fighting for.
However if you are both tired of fighting then it could be time to throw in the towel.
You are the only 2 people that can make that decision.
Good luck

[Don C L]

Originally Posted by tobe

I stumbled across this forum and am so thankful. After reading some of these posts I can totally understand how much my husband loved his boat. I knew it but I see it more after reading through your posts.

However, I also saw many family men state - leave the wife if she has a problem with the boat. The boating life is beautiful when shared but it should not consume you. As the wife, I felt second priority to the boat. I don't think the wife in the original post was going to force the boat sale? Maybe she wanted to know that you loved her more than your boat and she was just upset.

Placing the boat on hold and focusing on your family is a great idea - then making her part of the decision to boat together would be a happy one for her. However, leaving her to boat solo all the time - not a good idea.

A little bit about me - Married for over 15years. For about 6 of those we started boating as a family. Husband wanted to get into it and we did and we enjoyed it for the most part. Although it took every penny to keep it. It was on water 3 months out of the year due to the climate we live in.

Husband was hooked and mortgaged a luxury yacht against my will. Recent years money was very tight and he made the ultimate sacrifice. He sold the yacht, took a huge loss and we kept our home, kids etc. He didn't want to and he highly resents me for it like many of the boaters in this forum said. Many problems began after this.

Like many of you said you would do - He left us, his family after this. He couldn't get over the loss of his boat and resented me. He quickly mortgaged a less expensive boat after selling the yacht. I knew boating was his life so I did not touch it in the legal agreement; trying to avoid divorce but he won't reconcile after all this. I let him have the boat. He found a young beautiful girl - 10 years younger to share his passion with him among others that want to sip cocktails and enjoy the boating life.

All I know is a THING should not replace PEOPLE. Please work together to pursue the goal of family and boating. One party should not have all the say as to which boat, marina, route, etc to take. Or basically they have already made it clear in their minds they are the captain and the crew is easily replaceable.

I really pray you work things out with your wife and see things from her perspective too. Love endures all!

I didn't expect your story to have that ending. My heart goes out to you. There is plenty of cynicism for marriage here and romance for boats. To me that is a shame. I am a married man, 11 years now, 2 kids, 2 step kids. Long before I was married I sailed a lot, had a boat for 10 years. When I met my wife, she had never set foot on a boat and I was too busy and poor to think about buying a boat or even go sailing. Years went by and I caught the bug again to get back in a boat. But I knew it had to be affordable, I did not let my desires outpace my means, I did not let it consume me to the point that it threatened my marriage or family. I cannot justify whining about not getting the boating life I want if I have made a commitment to another person in marriage. If you cannot hold up the commitment you should fess up to it, not dive into another love affair with a boat and then blame your wife for the poor marriage because she is jealous and feels abandoned. I happen to want to be married and stay married, to a happy wife, so I can't indulge myself the anger of not getting enough sea time, or boat maintenance time, or money. That's ridiculous. HOWEVER I do love this woman because even as inexperienced as she is, she is open to it and makes the effort to understand it and share it. And I in turn have to temper my passions and not demand I spend too much time or money on this very expensive hobby. Perhaps I am coming across as holier than thou to some guys. I am saying, you entered into a commitment. If you weren't clear about your need for sea time and cash flow into a boat in the beginning, don't blame the wife for feeling desperate when you come home saying you want to mortgage everything for a yacht.

[George DuBose]

Originally Posted by tobe

I stumbled across this forum and am so thankful. After reading some of these posts I can totally understand how much my husband loved his boat. I knew it but I see it more after reading through your posts.

However, I also saw many family men state - leave the wife if she has a problem with the boat. The boating life is beautiful when shared but it should not consume you. As the wife, I felt second priority to the boat. I don't think the wife in the original post was going to force the boat sale? Maybe she wanted to know that you loved her more than your boat and she was just upset.

Placing the boat on hold and focusing on your family is a great idea - then making her part of the decision to boat together would be a happy one for her. However, leaving her to boat solo all the time - not a good idea.

A little bit about me - Married for over 15years. For about 6 of those we started boating as a family. Husband wanted to get into it and we did and we enjoyed it for the most part. Although it took every penny to keep it. It was on water 3 months out of the year due to the climate we live in.

Husband was hooked and mortgaged a luxury yacht against my will. Recent years money was very tight and he made the ultimate sacrifice. He sold the yacht, took a huge loss and we kept our home, kids etc. He didn't want to and he highly resents me for it like many of the boaters in this forum said. Many problems began after this.

Like many of you said you would do - He left us, his family after this. He couldn't get over the loss of his boat and resented me. He quickly mortgaged a less expensive boat after selling the yacht. I knew boating was his life so I did not touch it in the legal agreement; trying to avoid divorce but he won't reconcile after all this. I let him have the boat. He found a young beautiful girl - 10 years younger to share his passion with him among others that want to sip cocktails and enjoy the boating life.

All I know is a THING should not replace PEOPLE. Please work together to pursue the goal of family and boating. One party should not have all the say as to which boat, marina, route, etc to take. Or basically they have already made it clear in their minds they are the captain and the crew is easily replaceable.

I really pray you work things out with your wife and see things from her perspective too. Love endures all!

MADAME,
SAILING IS NOT A HOBBY. IT IS A LIFESTYLE. A BOAT IS NOT A "THING" IT IS A BOAT AND HAS A PERSONALITY. THE MORE ONE LOVES THEIR BOAT, THE MORE THE BOAT RESPONDS AND TAKES CARE OF ITS CARETAKER. TOO MANY WOMEN GET JEALOUS OF THE TIME AND MONEY THAT IS SPENT ON A BOAT. WHENEVER I SEE A WOMAN ROLLING UP HER SLEEVES AND HELPING HER MAN PAINT THEIR BOAT, I GRIN.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THERE WERE OTHER ISSUES INVOLVED HERE THAN JUST BOAT MORTGAGES.

I HAD A PROBLEM WITH MY WIFE FOR A WHILE. SHE FIRST SAW ME ON A BOAT, WHAT DID SHE THINK? THAT I WAS GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFESTYLE AFTER SAILING FOR DECADES?

IF A WOMAN WANTS TO MATE WITH A SAILOR, SHE SHOULD EITHER GET WITH THE PROGRAM, LEARN TO SAIL, LEARN TO HANDLE THE BOAT IN CASE...IN OTHER WORDS, BECOME A FIRST MATE. OR BETTER YET A CAPTAIN. IF ONE WANTS TO HAVE A SAY IN DESTINATIONS OR UPGRADES, ONE SHOULD TAKE A REAL INTEREST IN THE BOAT AND SAILING IN GENERAL. OTHERWISE, MARRY A GOLFER.

IF A WOMAN LOVES A SAILOR, BUT DOESN'T WANT TO PARTAKE IN SAILING OR BOATKEEPING, AT LEAST LET THE GUY DO HIS THING. TAKE A SAILOR OFF HIS BOAT AND IT'S LIKE PULLING A TREE OUT OF THE GROUND, IT WON'T SURVIVE LONG.

NON-SAILORS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

[goat]

Originally Posted by George DuBose

MADAME,
SAILING IS NOT A HOBBY. IT IS A LIFESTYLE. A BOAT IS NOT A "THING" IT IS A BOAT AND HAS A PERSONALITY. THE MORE ONE LOVES THEIR BOAT, THE MORE THE BOAT RESPONDS AND TAKES CARE OF ITS CARETAKER. TOO MANY WOMEN GET JEALOUS OF THE TIME AND MONEY THAT IS SPENT ON A BOAT. WHENEVER I SEE A WOMAN ROLLING UP HER SLEEVES AND HELPING HER MAN PAINT THEIR BOAT, I GRIN.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THERE WERE OTHER ISSUES INVOLVED HERE THAN JUST BOAT MORTGAGES.

I HAD A PROBLEM WITH MY WIFE FOR A WHILE. SHE FIRST SAW ME ON A BOAT, WHAT DID SHE THINK? THAT I WAS GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFESTYLE AFTER SAILING FOR DECADES?

IF A WOMAN WANTS TO MATE WITH A SAILOR, SHE SHOULD EITHER GET WITH THE PROGRAM, LEARN TO SAIL, LEARN TO HANDLE THE BOAT IN CASE...IN OTHER WORDS, BECOME A FIRST MATE. OR BETTER YET A CAPTAIN. IF ONE WANTS TO HAVE A SAY IN DESTINATIONS OR UPGRADES, ONE SHOULD TAKE A REAL INTEREST IN THE BOAT AND SAILING IN GENERAL. OTHERWISE, MARRY A GOLFER.

IF A WOMAN LOVES A SAILOR, BUT DOESN'T WANT TO PARTAKE IN SAILING OR BOATKEEPING, AT LEAST LET THE GUY DO HIS THING. TAKE A SAILOR OFF HIS BOAT AND IT'S LIKE PULLING A TREE OUT OF THE GROUND, IT WON'T SURVIVE LONG.

NON-SAILORS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Jeez... no need to yell..

Sent from my SGH-I257M using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[Rustic Charm]

Originally Posted by goat

Jeez... no need to yell..

Sent from my SGH-I257M using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

he thinks he will get his point across more by yelling. Typical man thing I'm afraid.

[Crom]

Loose the girl. There's a thousand fish in the sea.

[David_Old_Jersey]

IMO if a woman is involved with a man who is obsessed with anything above her - she is better off without him. Unfortunately obsessions are not always admitted (including to self) and also can develop.

And vice verse of course!

Sent from my NEXUS 5 whilst sitting in my armchair tied to the dock.

[goat]

Too many years in the engine room I'm guessing.

Sent from my SGH-I257M using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[George DuBose]

i am not yelling…i was only trying to make my text stand out from the quote.

i am not a typical man, but maybe a typical sailor. i have been sailing for 57 years. i was in the us navy. it is how i spend my free time at home, reading about it and my weekends and part of my holidays doing

my wife and i have an agreement. she chooses where we go and what we do for our boys two week vacations every fall, xmas and spring. that totals six weeks. she pays all the expenses for that. in turn, i get to choose where to take the boat every summer for six weeks, again the boys' vacation time. i pay all the expenses

a good relationship is based on compromise.

i have also learned that my wife doesn't like bashing to windward, so i organize a crew of hardcore sailors and we deliver the boat upwind from my planned cruising route and then the crew returns to their homes for three to six weeks. we stay in harbors when the conditions are too uncomfortable for my family.

there are plenty of women who are real sailors and put sailing above everything else including personal relationships. the couple that enjoys sailing individually, usually enjoy sailing together.

there are plenty of golfers who spend small fortunes on the golf equipment and clothing or joining private golf clubs. either their wives join them on the course or don't but i know golfers that just live and breathe it.

when a person has a passion for something, his partner should either support it or tolerate it, trying to changes someone's lifestyle is a control issue.

[Rustic Charm]

[QUOTE=George DuBose;1913135]i am not yelling…i was only trying to make my text stand out from the quote.

i am not a typical man, but maybe a typical sailor. i have been sailing for 57 years. i was in the us navy. it is how i spend my free time at home, reading about it and my weekends and part of my holidays doing

my wife and i have an agreement. she chooses where we go and what we do for our boys two week vacations every fall, xmas and spring. that totals six weeks. she pays all the expenses for that. in turn, i get to choose where to take the boat every summer for six weeks, again the boys' vacation time. i pay all the expenses

a good relationship is based on compromise.

i have also learned that my wife doesn't like bashing to windward, so i organize a crew of hardcore sailors and we deliver the boat upwind from my planned cruising route and then the crew returns to their homes for three to six weeks. we stay in harbors when the conditions are too uncomfortable for my family.

there are plenty of women who are real sailors and put sailing above everything else including personal relationships. the couple that enjoys sailing individually, usually enjoy sailing together.

there are plenty of golfers who spend small fortunes on the golf equipment and clothing or joining private golf clubs. either their wives join them on the course or don't but i know golfers that just live and breathe it.

when a person has a passion for something, his partner should either support it or tolerate it, trying to changes someone's lifestyle is a control issue.[/QUOTE]

yes, now your not yelling I tend to agree with you. My wife doesn't like my boat, doesn't like boating, but she buys me things for Fathers Day and birthdays for my boat. And she encourages me to go out sailing and will give me time to do so.

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by tobe

Like many of you said you would do - He left us, his family after this. He couldn't get over the loss of his boat and resented me. He quickly mortgaged a less expensive boat after selling the yacht. I knew boating was his life so I did not touch it in the legal agreement; trying to avoid divorce but he won't reconcile after all this. I let him have the boat. He found a young beautiful girl - 10 years younger to share his passion with him among others that want to sip cocktails and enjoy the boating life.

Thanx for your input. It would be interesting to hear the other side of the situation. It is my understanding that he has moved on with another boat and a new relationship, whether she is 10 years younger or older is beside the point. What I am assuming at this point is that you ended up with a house. If so, other than emotional duress, you made out ok.
You never mentioned whether he was a sailor when you met him. So I can only share my situation with a former wife...
When we met I was living aboard my sailboat. Although she had 3 kids, 5,10 and 12, she wanted to go sailing with me. We talked about growing the kids and leaving after they were out of school. I sold that vessel, bought a house and a larger boat, we would be more comfortable on. Things began to change. Without the gory details, suffice it to say, I received the"Thanks for the house but the boat is your thing, not mine". It was that statement and some other poor behaviors in regards to "male friendships" on the side that ultimately demised the marriage. It came to a head in the form of a heart attack. Once again and is typical in these situations, I ended up on a boat (like where she found me) and she ended up with the house. I'll just go ahead and mention that she was totally irresponsible with making the small house payment I left her and refinanced to buy her and a boyfriend, toys for the next 5 years until it was upside down due to the downturn in economy.
Yes, I was bitter for a while, but I regrouped. After we split, I moved to Hawaii, bought a house in 2001 and sold it for 3 times the amount in 2006, seeing the downturn coming like a freight train.
I have a had few boats since and am married again to a gal that has little interest in sailing. I have little interest in her horses. I have a ranch home (paid for) in Ca., my beloved vessel is in Mexico and I will be traveling 3-6 months at a time without my wife. She wants to fly in occasionally so we can holiday together. Frankly, I feel relationships do better without imposing the hardships of sailing to a spouse. Let them feel the fun part of voyaging...the destination. Life is too short to
a) have unneeded stresses in your life.
b) feel like you have a ball and chain holding you back from enjoying God given passions in life.

[JPA Cate]

Nice post, CS.

We meet cruisers who have many styles of cruising. Some are like Jim and me, but mostly not. For most people, cruising is sort of seasonal. Others, one of the partners likes sailing more than the other to the extent of the one who likes it least flying to meet them. In other cases, health risks preclude the sailing to the destination, but he/she is able to fly in to join his/her partner. It is all cruising, and about compromise.

We've seen a lot of singlehanders, too, and their behavior when in anchorages and towns leads me to believe they are fundamentally lonely. If you cannot have it all, then go for what will work for you, and accept whatever knocks it brings.

Ann

[Fishbreath]

good god man....at least you didn't come down with a touch of the dreaded "GOLF". I've heard it makes people turn into a zombieS who chases a tiny ball around a manmade grass covered oversized garden.. and can lead to all kinds of strange behaviour ... now that would be my worst nightmare.....

[Stu Jackson]

If I haven't gone sailing for more than a week, my wife asks me "When are you going out again?" I foreswore simple daysails years ago and now go out for at least a night on the hook every time I go out, each week or at least every other week.

My wife joins me for local cruises or for nights at anchor.

My son & I just finished a week of work installing a new muffler & exhaust riser and hoses, after removing the old stuff.

My wife & I are taking the boat over to the City for a Giants baseball game on Wednesday. That meant my son & I HAD TO finish our work and make sure everything was working properly. We finished today.

What's so hard?

Perhaps it's different for liveaboards, but support and encouragement is always appreciated, regardless of what "the deal" is.

Once support and encouragement turns to anger, intimidation and ultimatums, on anyone's part, then the entire relationship is simply nuts. Time to split. Man or woman.