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Old 23-07-2015, 06:49   #286
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

sounds like wifee was jellus of boat and all the time you spent with her(boat).
is sad when spouses cannot find it in em to get with a plan..
seems like mebbe there is nothing left.
i da run away to sea. sorry but that is me.
i also would notta sold boat. because i am me.
i hope your life is something you can salvage from this fiasco.
best of luck and, btw, psychiatric assist is gonna keep you from again having the best therapy possible-- sailing. is very sad.


i da also gone to a cheepo lawyer and kept the boat....and freedom.
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Old 23-07-2015, 18:46   #287
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Great advice to all married men by the OP . . . "Love your wife like I love mine."

And he's loved her - not with some "Hollywood" type of love, which really is a euphuism for self love but with a self-sacrificing love.

At the very least, he deserves to be commended. I wish there were more like him.


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Old 17-08-2015, 14:49   #288
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

No advice, I'm afraid. Just conmiseration. My Alberg 35 was a one owner boat for 47 years. Five Mackinacs, won the first, then trucked to Miami, 25 Columbus Day Regattas, a lot of other races. Then the owner died of cancer and the wife, who's name she bore, wouldn't let either son have her; wouldn't sell her. .just let her dog and rot with no maintenance until she had become a virtual ruin in her slip at Coral Reef Yacht Club, then donated her to the Sea Squirts who never did a lick of work on her; just rode her hard and put her up wet. I bought her cheap and have been bringing her back for over three years. The sons, in their 50's now, cried and begged me to sell her back to them but will never get their hands on her again. Moral to the story? None. I just feel for you, shipmate. Trust your compass and Never change your course to please your woman.It will never end. Good luck, whatever you decide and congratulations to all you sailors with supportI've Mates.
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Old 17-08-2015, 15:06   #289
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Try couples therapy. If you have reached the ultimatum stage your marriage needs professional help.Or leave. Otherwise you will always resent her.


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Old 17-08-2015, 15:24   #290
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by hlev00 View Post
Try couples therapy. If you have reached the ultimatum stage your marriage needs professional help.Or leave. Otherwise you will always resent her.


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Old 17-08-2015, 18:46   #291
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Just to set the record straight, the OP did decide to keep his boat eventually, and he had a plan for addressing his wife's distress. Of course, we don't know how it worked out for them, as the thread was only started in the beginning of July, and that's likely not long enough to evaluate it, for either of them.

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Old 22-08-2015, 04:29   #292
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

if a psycho analyst or a behaviour analyst would read your sentences, its all in there already, I mean the answers...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
I absolutely adore this boat and have put so many hours into researching, restoring and using it. Recently got my 100T Captains license as well.
Listen to yourself and you get the answers... as we are emotional being. Maybe you think rationaliy. My wife deserves not to be left, because she gave berth to the kids. Or I cannot divorce, because it will hurt the chilren.

All nonsense... as you all have the "burdons of life" (I mean "reproduction") behind. You are unhappy, and even your wife is unhappy, more: she hates what you are doing. Hate is bad, it is like poison for the soul. Not very healthy. Neither for her nor for you.

But ask the basics first: What makes life ? What makes a human being ?

Yes, we are social beings, we need huggs, we need love etc. ... but what comes first ???

First comes a roof over the head, food, safetyness. Right ? Isnt it ? So it is... Eating, sleeping, healthyness... and then everything else. Your boat give you the right roof, your boat gives you the room for healthy sleep, your boat gives you safetyness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
I love boating, have had boats all my life (two boats before marriage even) except when kids (and their horses, braces, education etc) depleted all available funds.
Again here the answers... you gave a lot, probably over decades... you nursed your kids, you gave them a good education etc. ... so now its time you take care for yourself. You gave up a lot over long time. That's enough. And your (Ex-)Wife and kidds have to accept this. They are adults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
It is not a money issue - I retired early with no debt and money in the bank.
I dont think so... as I already mentioned, its time to make a decision: own needs (its not about the boat, you even could decide to start a chicken farm because you love eggs, as my aunt is doing as a hobby. She cant live without chickens. She never can slaugther them. Its like having pets. She needs chickens to feel in balance and happy. And you need a boat and water and sailing. Point.)

Divorcing can become expensive... especially if an (Ex-)Wife is starting the so called "war of roses". I was married, and luckily we divorced in peace. Not any problem. Just went to a lawyer, let fix the papers... waited one year and then came the day front court to get the judge. All smoothly. I hope for you that your wife will recognize, that she is damaging you with her hate, ignorance and arrogance. She is not really loving you in my understanding.

There exist different forms of love, e.g. the egoistic possessive love, like occupying the partner. Some think, that "selfless love" is the right. As you can read by my writing I dont believe that both forms are healthy. A good partnership is that both, man and woman are like real partners, like a team on a boat. Your wife dont want become a team member in your sailing life, neither she accepts it nor she tolerates it, instead she starts fighting against. You was a team member for her land life, long time... and she is not appreciating it with respect what you did, and what you gave up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
I am not sure what kind of issue it is but the long and short of it is that I have been given an ultimatum about my "obsession" and told to sell it because it is damaging the marriage.
My mother died 2 1/2 years ago, at the age of 69... she was very rich. But she had nothing. No friends, no love by her husband. A nightmare of private life... what I want say: Life is short, it can end quickly. My mother died of cancer. All her luxury and money didnt gave her what she needed: to do what she loves and give her the energy back.

Sailing is like a therapy. It is the "slowlyness" (so long you dont sail a trimaran with 25 knots on the log). It is contemplative... you need it, even did the qualification as captain for it... because its you. You are not a mountain climber as some need it to stand up at 04:00 first day light to arrive midday the peak of a high mountain to feel healthy and in balance and to get the energy back from nature.

So its not about the boat... its about you, as human. And I suppose your wife is not understanding what you are. For me a clear decision to make.

From the death of my mother I learnt one thing (as I am now 51). Live the life, intensively and fast (but not too fast). Dont waste life time. I was professional skipper in the 90th. I love to be on the water, but I dont like to work for cheap money to enjoy rich owners or charter guests. So I quit that job.... since more than 10 years I live on land... and I have decided to go back onto the water... live on the water as I know it from the skipper job.

Luckily I have a job as cultural journalist, radio presenter and independent media producer that I can take the job on board. With digitalisation I can keep producing my radio shows and deliver the pre-productions to the radio stations via Internet. Because the land based life is not giving me back the energy. I need the sound of water, I need to feel the wind on my skin... and I need the simplicity of life (which I already live on land).

So I hope you have the strength. And change your perspective onto the situatoin.

last: you forget one thing... in all your proof. As soon you are what you are, e.g. you live your life on your boat, then you will be recognized you are by others. There are enough attractive women out there who love sailing... and if your boat is in such proper shape, one "elder" or "younger" lady will fall in love with you, because the boat speaks for you, it is a mirror. You only need to look at a boat, and you know who the owner is. E.g. I love trimarans, so you clearly get a picture who I am.

Only then you can expect to be loved, because you are what you are... authenitcally. And then you deserve the love by a good woman who loves your personality, your sailing addiction, and she will like to share it with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
Looking for help understanding this. Almost cried today when I faxed the signed listing over to the broker. Now I am lost, I don't have any other hobbies or interests. I almost feel like a close friend has died.
READ THAT CAREFULLY AGAIN ! - And the answer is clear what you hvae to do. Dont give up yourself, you will die menthally, you will age quickly during this land based life with all that "hate" by your wife against your own love for boats and living on a boat.

Follow your feelings... and stay mentaly and emotionaly healthy. Otherwise you take the risk to end in deep depression :-) My own motto: "Let sit your dreams on the driver's seat." Then you get the right energy for a good balanced living. (Rec.: I had cancer with 25. So i know on my own how quickly life can end.)

Good luck with your decision ! - Skip JR

P.S.: Watch the young couple from Australia, she 22 and he is 31... they both live on the boat since couple of times (having started 8 moths ago in Turkey)... and sail now around the globe, actually staying in the Carribean. Survived to come accress the atlantic without big sailing experiences. - Both had been totally greenhorns, no sailing experts, but they took the challenge successfully... and they both love it. They earn money by making videos and ask for donations (crows funding). It seems it works...
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZd...jIzFnWsDQOv4ww

What can epxect one more from life to have a good time together ????

Probably - so I see it - she likes him because he manages the boat, mainly. He is like the rock.. and she - still very girlish - loves this island hopping. And he likes her because of her sexyness, freshness and smartness. She now starts a carreer as singer, producing her first CD with cover songs as shortly announced.

it will be interesting, if she only loves him, because he has the boat and he offers her a nice and adventure life. - Will she stay with him, as soon her singing carrer starts blooming she has to go on concert tours ??

We will see....
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Old 22-08-2015, 04:36   #293
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skip JayR View Post
if a psycho analyst or a behaviour analyst would read your sentences, its all in there already, I mean the answers...



Listen to yourself and you get the answers... as we are emotional being. Maybe you think rationaliy. My wife deserves not to be left, because she gave berth to the kids. Or I cannot divorce, because it will hurt the chilren.

All nonsense... as you all have the "burdons of life" (I mean "reproduction") behind. You are unhappy, and even your wife is unhappy, more: she hates what you are doing. Hate is bad, it is like poison for the soul. Not very healthy. Neither for her nor for you.

But ask the basics first: What makes life ? What makes a human being ?

Yes, we are social beings, we need huggs, we need love etc. ... but what comes first ???

First comes a roof over the head, food, safetyness. Right ? Isnt it ? So it is... Eating, sleeping, healthyness... and then everything else. Your boat give you the right roof, your boat gives you the room for healthy sleep, your boat gives you safetyness.



Again here the answers... you gave a lot, probably over decades... you nursed your kids, you gave them a good education etc. ... so now its time you take care for yourself. You gave up a lot over long time. That's enough. And your (Ex-)Wife and kidds have to accept this. They are adults.



I dont think so... as I already mentioned, its time to make a decision: own needs (its not about the boat, you even could decide to start a chicken farm because you love eggs, as my aunt is doing as a hobby. She cant live without chickens. She never can slaugther them. Its like having pets. She needs chickens to feel in balance and happy. And you need a boat and water and sailing. Point.)

Divorcing can become expensive... especially if an (Ex-)Wife is starting the so called "war of roses". I was married, and luckily we divorced in peace. Not any problem. Just went to a lawyer, let fix the papers... waited one year and then came the day front court to get the judge. All smoothly. I hope for you that your wife will recognize, that she is damaging you with her hate, ignorance and arrogance. She is not really loving you in my understanding.

There exist different forms of love, e.g. the egoistic possessive love, like occupying the partner. Some think, that "selfless love" is the right. As you can read by my writing I dont believe that both forms are healthy. A good partnership is that both, man and woman are like real partners, like a team on a boat. Your wife dont want become a team member in your sailing life, neither she accepts it nor she tolerates it, instead she starts fighting against. You was a team member for her land life, long time... and she is not appreciating it with respect what you did, and what you gave up.



My mother died 2 1/2 years ago, at the age of 69... she was very rich. But she had nothing. No friends, no love by her husband. A nightmare of private life... what I want say: Life is short, it can end quickly. My mother died of cancer. All her luxury and money didnt gave her what she needed: to do what she loves and give her the energy back.

Sailing is like a therapy. It is the "slowlyness" (so long you dont sail a trimaran with 25 knots on the log). It is contemplative... you need it, even did the qualification as captain for it... because its you. You are not a mountain climber as some need it to stand up at 04:00 first day light to arrive midday the peak of a high mountain to feel healthy and in balance and to get the energy back from nature.

So its not about the boat... its about you, as human. And I suppose your wife is not understanding what you are. For me a clear decision to make.

From the death of my mother I learnt one thing (as I am now 51). Live the life, intensively and fast (but not too fast). Dont waste life time. I was professional skipper in the 90th. I love to be on the water, but I dont like to work for cheap money to enjoy rich owners or charter guests. So I quit that job.... since more than 10 years I live on land... and I have decided to go back onto the water... live on the water as I know it from the skipper job.

Luckily I have a job as cultural journalist, radio presenter and independent media producer that I can take the job on board. With digitalisation I can keep producing my radio shows and deliver the pre-productions to the radio stations via Internet. Because the land based life is not giving me back the energy. I need the sound of water, I need to feel the wind on my skin... and I need the simplicity of life (which I already live on land).

So I hope you have the strength. And change your perspective onto the situatoin.

last: you forget one thing... in all your proof. As soon you are what you are, e.g. you live your life on your boat, then you will be recognized you are by others. There are enough attractive women out there who love sailing... and if your boat is in such proper shape, one "elder" or "younger" lady will fall in love with you, because the boat speaks for you, it is a mirror. You only need to look at a boat, and you know who the owner is. E.g. I love trimarans, so you clearly get a picture who I am.

Only then you can expect to be loved, because you are what you are... authenitcally. And then you deserve the love by a good woman who loves your personality, your sailing addiction, and she will like to share it with you.



READ THAT CAREFULLY AGAIN ! - And the answer is clear what you hvae to do. Dont give up yourself, you will die menthally, you will age quickly during this land based life with all that "hate" by your wife against your own love for boats and living on a boat.

Follow your feelings... and stay mentaly and emotionaly healthy. Otherwise you take the risk to end in deep depression :-) My own motto: "Let sit your dreams on the driver's seat." Then you get the right energy for a good balanced living. (Rec.: I had cancer with 25. So i know on my own how quickly life can end.)

Good luck with your decision ! - Skip JR

P.S.: Watch the young couple from Australia, she 22 and he is 31... they both live on the boat since couple of times... and sail around the globe, actually staying in the Carribean. Both had been totally greenhorns, no sailing experiences, but they took the challenge successfully. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZd...jIzFnWsDQOv4ww

Probably - so I see it - she likes him because he manages the boat, mainly. And he likes her because of her sexyness and smartness. She now starts a carreer as singer, producing her first CD as shortly announced.

it will be interesting, if she only loves him, because he has the boat and he offers her a nice and adventure life. Will she stay with him, as soon her singing carrer starts blooming she has to go on concert tours ??

We will see....
what?
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Old 22-08-2015, 04:49   #294
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by hlev00 View Post
Try couples therapy. If you have reached the ultimatum stage your marriage needs professional help.Or leave. Otherwise you will always resent her.
Couples therapy is too late I think... she has not understood him, its aleady in a stage where she demanded from him to sell the boat. She clearly overstepped a limit in my understanding.

For a young couple which started just marriage or settled to have a new family then couple therapy might be something worthfully...

Psyche therapy takes time... mostly many years... and its hard work (beside all the money it costs). It will need lots of strength, and it will be painfully (emotionally and physically). I know what I am talking about as I went through psyche analysis and behaviouer therapy over many years.

She as his wife should have recognized the problem on her own, and not setting him under stress with "hate". Definitly no future for me, so it sounds. And not worth to invest more time. - Life is too short and time is running quickly.
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Old 22-08-2015, 04:51   #295
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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what?
yeah... psychology is tricky.... not all understand it as we miss in Western school systems this study. Hard to follow for some folks.
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Old 22-08-2015, 06:00   #296
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Sometimes in life you have to take a long hard look at yourself and your relationships.

If the boat ultimatum is simply part of a long pattern and history of wife getting own way / exerting control simply because she wants to....then IMO the relationship not worth keeping, whether or not a boat is involved!

But if it is simply because she hates boats and you each truly love each other then IMO the answer is "its only a boat".......Imagine the worst time consuming pastime you can imagine she could so - shopping!, golf!!! or flower arranging! Etc - and that YOU are expected to not only understand what she gets from it but also to actively participate. Constantly!!! For many (most?!) boats is like that - no amount of persuasion or taking part will ever persuade me that golf is not simply a waste of time and money - a golf holiday?? Dear God no!!!
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Old 22-08-2015, 07:05   #297
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skip JayR View Post
if a psycho analyst or a behaviour analyst would read your sentences, its all in there already, I mean the answers...



Listen to yourself and you get the answers... as we are emotional being. Maybe you think rationaliy. My wife deserves not to be left, because she gave berth to the kids. Or I cannot divorce, because it will hurt the chilren.

All nonsense... as you all have the "burdons of life" (I mean "reproduction") behind. You are unhappy, and even your wife is unhappy, more: she hates what you are doing. Hate is bad, it is like poison for the soul. Not very healthy. Neither for her nor for you.

..... <snip> .....
Kind of a philosophical, inner-reflective post.

Good info throughout this thread. Perhaps the OP knows that he wants to do and just wants confirmation on how to proceed.

I might take some notes myself to reflect on.
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Old 22-08-2015, 07:13   #298
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Has anyone seen a post tonight on CF of John Joe Gray? The fugitive family.

I was reading this thread and somehow went and watched the video suggested and now can't seem to find what thread it was on..
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Old 22-08-2015, 08:04   #299
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

An interesting thread with lots of constructive discussion. My wife's "hating status" is diametrically opposed to that of ntscout's wife. I am also retired (very recent), no mortgage and money in the bank. I have always given my wife everything she asked for and loved her to death, but now she has decided that she hates me (not hating a boat as ntscout's wife) and has moved out of my life. So I am in the process of buying a boat and aiming to realise a dream to sail the oceans, a dream that I never thought would come to fruition. I should thank my ex-wife for giving me my freedom. Life's too short to dwell on issues; go out and enjoy. Maybe I'll run across some of you blokes in my travels. Cheers.
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Old 22-08-2015, 08:35   #300
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
ok, so long time lurker,.........
What does a sailor without a boat do? Where to go on this?
That's not healthy for either of you. It's very good that you're seeking outside input, but unfortunately you're asking the wrong group of people.

Seeking impartial help from either a licensed marriage counselor or clergy would be the wisest course of action.

I would also recommend reading Helen Smith's book "Men on Strike" as well as Wayne Levine's "Hold on to Your N.U.T.S."

Good luck - I hope you can keep everything you love in life.
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