Spouse hates my boat

[MANLEYONE]

I'm not a marriage counsellor but went thru the same situation with cars. Still have the cars. Sometimes You have to let live with what They wished for. Companions are nice but also replaceable Lot's of Women enjoy sailing and there are lot's of fish in the ocean. Just My opinion; I have been wrong.

[a64pilot]

A couple of personal experiences, first we are married, this happened in 02, so not every crisis ends up in despair.

Do not think you can form a Corporation and shelter the boat, that may not work, she can get half of the Corporation, trust me.

As far as a Counselor, you can get one that says anything you want, first we went to her counselor that her buddies helped her pick, never knew I was such a Bastard, didn't know that I was the cause of all the worlds problems. Quite a bit later we went to a Counselor that I had picked, guess what, I wasn't such a Bastard anymore?

The whole point of a Divorce is for the Lawyers to get as much work (your money) that they can, there is no reason at all for them to get it over with, for you guys to meet and hammer out an agreement or anything like that, it is in the Lawyers best interest to drag this thing out and write each other letters and add billable hours.
If you don't hate each other now, the divorce process will make you, you want it over and done with, the Lawyers do not. The process starts out favoring the Woman, she gets the house, your not allowed around, and you still pay all the bills, while you move out with a clothes basket of dirty clothes and have to stay in a dirty extended stay Motel. But, as the process continues, it shifts around to where she is giving up more and more, you have found a decent Apartment with a pool and Single Women, life is getting better for you, and worse for her, then maybe she figures out her standard of living will drop, and Mr Wonderful, isn't so wonderful after all.

Long story short mine went so far that by the time she decided she didn't want the divorce after all, I forced it. We got divorced, later put things back together again and remarried. (We were living in Alabama, so we were common law married anyway), but she is now legally my second wife, which does change things should she decide to pull that stunt again, as well as I believe the first divorce agreement has set a precedence.
Women, just like men, can go through a mid life crisis. They forget what they have, can take things for granted, but look at someone else and wish they had what they perceive the other has, or find someone that they think is Mr. Wonderful. In short they don't realize how good life is, until it changes.

I believe that anyone that really wants a Divorce, has already found Mr or Ms Wonderful, ask any Divorce lawyer.

The writing may be on the wall, you need to see a GOOD Divorce Lawyer now and have them guide you as to what you can and cannot do to protect yourself and your boat. Hopefully you will never need their help, but do no be like me and be ambushed.

I was in Kuwait, right after 911, was there to conduct spoiling raids into Iraq, I came home as she had filed for Divorce, I got met at the door with a laundry basket of clothes and an envelope with $200 in it. She was supposed to call the Police as her Lawyer knew I would be upset and that of course would get them a restraining order etc.
Don't just hope things will get better, you may be setting yourself up for an ambush, prepare for the worst while your hoping things get better, have a back up plan, any good Sailor always has a plan for when the weather turns bad, right?

[robert sailor]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

A couple of personal experiences, first we are married, this happened in 02, so not every crisis ends up in despair.

Do not think you can form a Corporation and shelter the boat, that may not work, she can get half of the Corporation, trust me.

As far as a Counselor, you can get one that says anything you want, first we went to her counselor that her buddies helped her pick, never knew I was such a Bastard, didn't know that I was the cause of all the worlds problems. Quite a bit later we went to a Counselor that I had picked, guess what, I wasn't such a Bastard anymore?

The whole point of a Divorce is for the Lawyers to get as much work (your money) that they can, there is no reason at all for them to get it over with, for you guys to meet and hammer out an agreement or anything like that, it is in the Lawyers best interest to drag this thing out and write each other letters and add billable hours.
If you don't hate each other now, the divorce process will make you, you want it over and done with, the Lawyers do not. The process starts out favoring the Woman, she gets the house, your not allowed around, and you still pay all the bills, while you move out with a clothes basket of dirty clothes and have to stay in a dirty extended stay Motel. But, as the process continues, it shifts around to where she is giving up more and more, you have found a decent Apartment with a pool and Single Women, life is getting better for you, and worse for her, then maybe she figures out her standard of living will drop, and Mr Wonderful, isn't so wonderful after all.

Long story short mine went so far that by the time she decided she didn't want the divorce after all, I forced it. We got divorced, later put things back together again and remarried. (We were living in Alabama, so we were common law married anyway), but she is now legally my second wife, which does change things should she decide to pull that stunt again, as well as I believe the first divorce agreement has set a precedence.
Women, just like men, can go through a mid life crisis. They forget what they have, can take things for granted, but look at someone else and wish they had what they perceive the other has, or find someone that they think is Mr. Wonderful. In short they don't realize how good life is, until it changes.

I believe that anyone that really wants a Divorce, has already found Mr or Ms Wonderful, ask any Divorce lawyer.

The writing may be on the wall, you need to see a GOOD Divorce Lawyer now and have them guide you as to what you can and cannot do to protect yourself and your boat. Hopefully you will never need their help, but do no be like me and be ambushed.

I was in Kuwait, right after 911, was there to conduct spoiling raids into Iraq, I came home as she had filed for Divorce, I got met at the door with a laundry basket of clothes and an envelope with $200 in it. She was supposed to call the Police as her Lawyer knew I would be upset and that of course would get them a restraining order etc.
Don't just hope things will get better, you may be setting yourself up for an ambush, prepare for the worst while your hoping things get better, have a back up plan, any good Sailor always has a plan for when the weather turns bad, right?

Wow quite the story. Personal experience suggests you have got this game figured out!

[CaptStJohn]

Well lots of 'spirited' discussion here. And everyone's comments I felt were appropriate. I was in a similar situation. I always wanted a boat, After all I did live on an island in the PacNW at the time. My ex-wife hated them b/c her parents loved them and she didn't get her inheritance b/c her parents sold a place on the jersey shore for their 2nd boat. Her parents loved it - all of it.
Then came firefighting, I was told by her at age 37 that I was too old. Far form it - I was the recruit of the year and gained all sorts of recognition, etc. Got my EMS, and Marine Rescue and Fire/EMS. She hated it. Resented it. I loved it. I was working for a SW company and did save a lot of money. But I realized I wasn't happy doing the SW biz after 12 years. I wanted to be a professional FF, and well, let's just say I did that. She got my retirement and I ended up doing what I loved. No regrets. Then I had an accident and nearly died, should have died (I know from my EMS experience), and things were rough financially, but I moved on, sold my house for not very much, but enough to move back to SD , CALIF where I was born/raised. A year later living aboard, a nice yet someone boat in need of minor to moderate work I have my 50 Ton Master Inland, 50 Ton NC Mate, OINC, Towing Endorsement, etc, STCW... and I am so happy. I live life daily in peace and knowing that I am where I belong. You don't owe anything to her. You sell your boat and you sell your soul. And it will come back to bite you. I don't know much, but I am not successful at marriages, 2x divorced. Yet, I have and we all do have a right to be happy. And, I hate to sound so negative, you are still in for rough stuff ahead if you do sell it. If she loves you, she will love you passions. I know - and sometimes I have to consider my own relationship b/c I am not leaving my boat, And, if my SO can't deal with it - well, she can go back to being a landlubber and miss out on what life is REALLY about.
Well, just one person's take. You do what you feel is right for you. Sounds like you two have moved apart. Just make a clean break and enjoy the boat!!!

[MIRELOS]

The boat is not the problem.......the marriage is.......get counseling to save the marriage if it's important to you.....else get on that boat and go

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by robert sailor

Wow quite the story. Personal experience suggests you have got this game figured out!

Well, I think I am in a much better situation if things get bad again, but I don't think they will.
I was gone for pretty much three yrs leading up to that and had her in school, which is a liberal establishment and she is a follower, plain and simple.
Being that I was gone playing Army so much and may not come back, I had her on every account, and she had full power of attorney, she could have done more damage than she did.
I know that you may love someone dearly and would be willing to die for them, but do not set yourself up for a fall, I did learn that, and truth be known, things will never be like they were, even if I had another wife, that innocence and trust will never exist again.

Mark Twain had a saying
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.”

Hate to say it, but I believe he was right.

[otterbanks]

How will you ever be happy (and not resentful) in a marriage that mandates eliminating the very thing you cherish?

[fjwiley1]

I truly enjoy this Cruisers Forum of ours. I read each day of all the many situations we sailors encounter but like all Threads,when this Thread has ended,the results will be the same......only that You must make the final decision. It's never easy.

Just remember Life is good if you Keepa Smilin........





Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[letsgetsailing3]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

I'm going to just skip the 120+ posts/replies and just say: I don't think it is is a really a boat problem.

Exactly.

And, like you probably figured, about 90% of the responses were "dump the girl and keep the boat -- never mind the details".

This is a marital problem, not a boat problem.

[oldragbaggers]

From my perspective it's not a boat problem. It's a love/respect problem. The issue is figuring out whose problem it is, or at least where it started.

It sounds like you had the boat before you were married??? I am making that assumption because you state that the boat is not community property, which usually means it is something you owned prior and brought into the marriage. In which case, it's not fair of her to now want you to change something that she knew full well was a big part of your life before you were married. It would be different if you had stripped the kids college fund or your retirement savings to buy a boat without discussing it with her or something. (I've heard of stuff like that....now that's wrong.)

It's hard to know what she may have sacrificed over the years because of the boat, if anything. Maybe there were things she loved or wanted along the way that she didn't get to have in order to finance the boat or the restoration of the boat. Is that the case? If so, might trying to restore some of those things to her be a place to start the conversation? Did she ever ask you for something that would have really meant a lot to her and have you answer, "maybe next year....I need to spend $$x,y,z on the boat this year." Or has she ever asked you to go with her to something that was important to her and you didn't have time because of the boat? Has this happened a dozen times? A hundred? A thousand?

Don't get me wrong...I'm a sailing wife and I love it as much as my husband does. I love spending time at the boatyard right alongside him working on "our" boat. I don't love sometimes being cold, miserable, tired, or seasick, but I consider it a fair trade-off for all the happiness we get from the rest of it. But there are other things I love besides sailing and my husband always shows up for that stuff too, and if he doesn't want to do it himself he still sees to it that I get to have/do it if he knows it means a lot to me. It's a give and take that goes on all the time. We both try to be very aware of when it's time to give and when it's time to take, trying to never take advantage of each other's willingness to give sacrificially.

But even so, it's difficult for me to get my mind around someone who is supposed to love you asking you to do something that would clearly make you so terribly unhappy. When you really love someone their happiness should be your priority. Selfishness has no place in a marriage. On either part. So, you need to determine if your relationship to your boat has caused you to be selfish with her. If not, then you have to question why she is being selfish with you. I have no answers, only questions. Not questions for you to answer to me, or to the forum (or anyone else), but questions you need to find answers to for yourself. Because, for me, the answers to those questions would be the motivation for my response to the situation.

If it were me and after serious introspection it became clear that I had been selfish with my spouse because of my devotion to an inanimate object then I would try and determine how to make that right (trying to meet the other's needs while still keeping the boat if possible). But if you feel that you have been fair with her, have never misled her or deprived her or your family over the boat, and she all of a sudden is making unreasonable demands then maybe the boat is just a symptom of some other underlying issue and that is what you need to get at. Is she using the boat as a way to hurt you because she knows that's the thing that will get to you the most? Or is she trying to get rid of the boat because it is something you have used to hurt her (intentionally or unintentionally)?

I wish you the very best with your situation. It sounds like you have been married a long time, and with children involved throwing a marriage away is not a trivial matter. But if giving up the boat is going to cause a lot of distrust and resentment between you once it's done, it may render saving the relationship impossible in the end anyway, depending on which you love more. Ending up with no boat AND no marriage doesn't sound like a good bargain.

[budm303]

Divorce. Homo sapiens, like most animals is not monogamous. "Follow your bliss." Let her follow hers. (Sounds like what she wants.)

[appick]

Man this sounds like a terrible place to be in and I sympathize for you.

When reading these things I count my blessings to have found a lovely, good natured, beautiful women to marry. We bought our current boat together and it has been ours. She has been right there beside me sanding varnish, masking off, painting decks ect. She may not have the stamina to do all the sanding I do but she always finds ways to help.

She even puts up with my poor temper at times when things go wrong, even though that's definitely her least favorite part of me.

I'm the one that said lets sell the boat (albiet to go bigger for an upcoming kiddo). When I said that she broke into tears! I felt really bad because she was thinking of all the time together and energy spent on making our boat ours.

That being said if she hated ocean travel and sailing ect I don't think there would be much I could do to convince her to join in. I've read of some very happy sailors the cruise solo or with a friend/crew, and the wife visits in port. However it doesn't sound like you wife would be up for that either. Good luck, all I can say is follow your dreams and your heart wherever that leads you.

[SteelStallion]

First you have to understand the Big Picture:
Marriage is a Binding Contract between 2 parties with vastly different potentials designed to re-distribute wealth and possessions from the working male to the life-giving, family-raising homemaker female and the heirs.
Brutal honesty requires admission that at ya'll age, your future wealth accumulation is limited and her heir production is nil.
Most men eventually yearn to be free of marriage commitments and could see a happy life doing their thing solo, whereas most women have fear of aging alone and becoming homeless bag ladies.
She obviously equates every penny and minute spent on 'your' boat is taking away 'her future financial security' and 'her relationship time' she desrves due to her prior committment to the marriage.
According to 6x divorced Johnny Carson: "You never really know who you are married to until you face them in Divorce Court!"
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!
Most divorcing women do NOT want a fair settlement with you, they want YOU DEAD AND BROKE AND MISERABLE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
A divorcing woman in England just Turned Down a $1 Billion (1,000 Millions) dollar Settlement Offer from her $12 Billion dollar Net Worth Husband.
Women set the value of their committment at INFINITY!!!!
Gather up as much of your wealth as you can and abandon the small stuff!
The Bottom Line: Keep the boat, sail off into the sunset, find a shapely sailing-loving young woman to share your love of boating with and achieve the best revenge: Moving On and Living Well!!!
Was divorce-forced to sell my house, convertible, motorcycle, airplane, sailboat, RV, and surgical practice and cash purchase a house and SUV for my ex....only took me 6 months to begin replacing everything with newer versions of everything including younger girlfriends and a bigger sailboat!
I have to pinch myself several times a day, and spontaneously bust out laughing, thinking at how absolutely happy I am being FREE from that SUFFOCATING MARRIAGE HELL!!!
Now that I am 60, my girlfriends know that I do not need them and they are replaceable with younger verions if they ever start to get possessive!
Available women are everywhere, but have zero attraction to hen-pecked, low self-esteem, battered husbands.
There is, however, nothing more attractive to women than an independent man living life on his own terms and relationship available to them!
Steel Stallion

[Cadence]

Originally Posted by captlloyd

Yes Cadence, I am starting to think you might be the OP's wife in disquise!

Not last time I checked, next time in the head I'll check again.

[Cadence]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

I'm going to just skip the 120+ posts/replies and just say: I don't think it is is a really a boat problem.