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Old 07-01-2015, 17:42   #136
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

I always figured that when you were in a hole, stop digging.

In my estimation, it is always best to figure the problem before making a decision. Keeping the boat for now was the right choice to make until you really KNOW what the issue is.

Best of luck to you and yours and I hope you find a way for all to be happy in this new year.

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Old 07-01-2015, 17:45   #137
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

when we are mated with an individual who supports our dreams/desires and wants us to thrive in whatever we do, then we know we are with the right person... but when we are mated with someone who has a problem with us, and/or, our desires, there will always be a problem....

Can't even begin to tell you what to do, and glad to hear you're keeping the boat. Don't neglect it - you already know why.

I can tell you our experience. Bought a 22 foot boat together before we got married. Bought another one (25 footer) and had it for 12 years. Finally, she said: "You know, I don't go sailing with you as much as I used to, maybe we should buy a bigger boat." Looked at 30 footers, but then she said, "Why don't you buy the one you always wanted?" "Which one," I said. She pulled out a 12 year old brochure we got at a boat show in 1987, and said, "This one." We spent a year finding this boat, which we've owned for the past 16 years.

I go sailing with friends, I go sailing singlehanded, I go sailing almost every week, we go sailing together, we sail to cruise-ins with our local one-design group, we (casually) race the boat together.

Today we got on the boat for a 1 1/2 hour motor to San Francisco for lunch! We were away for the holidays and came back to find our house had been broken into. After cleaning up the devastation, this turned out to be a great way to get away from it all for both of us, but she really appreciated it.

On the way back, after my nap (!), she said, "So, when are you going out for your two day anchor-out, it's been awhile!"

THAT'S the kind of ultimatum I can live with.

PS - There have been many of these -honey-do- questions on this forum. Look around, search under "wife" 'cuz that's usually the starter word.

Good luck, glad you've kept the boat. As for those who say they've only heard one side of the story, have you asked her to join this "conversation?"
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Old 07-01-2015, 19:28   #138
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
ok, so long time lurker, not much of a poster. Really need some advice on this.

I have an older boat that I have completely restored to like new condition. Surveyor says it is in bristol condition. I absolutely adore this boat and have put so many hours into researching, restoring and using it. Recently got my 100T Captains license as well.

Here's the rub, my wife hates my boat, the slowness of boat travel and the ocean. Not only that, but she hates it when I want to use the boat by myself or go somewhere with a group of boaters. I love boating, have had boats all my life (two boats before marriage even) except when kids (and their horses, braces, education etc) depleted all available funds.

It is not a money issue - I retired early with no debt and money in the bank. I am not sure what kind of issue it is but the long and short of it is that I have been given an ultimatum about my "obsession" and told to sell it because it is damaging the marriage.

Looking for help understanding this. Almost cried today when I faxed the signed listing over to the broker. Now I am lost, I don't have any other hobbies or interests. I almost feel like a close friend has died.

What does a sailor without a boat do? Where to go on this?
I'm going to just skip the 120+ posts/replies and just say: I don't think it is is a really a boat problem.
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:09   #139
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Although I agree with the sentiment to keep
the boat, there is probably some selection bias
here. If somebody did give up the boat and
has succeeded in their relationship, they would
probably not be posting here.
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:10   #140
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

You know he sounds like a nice guy, and when I read what he recently wrote " maybe I should spend more time watching her on her horses" I almost **** myself. You are not the problem my man. You said you can afford to retire now at an early age. I would imagine you were the bread winner if this is the case. You probably paid the mortgage, let the wife buy the furniture for the house (which you had no say in, because us guys know thats the way it is), put the kids through school and had some credit cards for the wife to fill up the cars you paid for and to go shopping for food, clothes etc. She has a horse too. LOL I think your entitled to have your boat. On a sunny nice summer day your going to stand at a fence and watch your wife ride in a circle to make her feel she matters instead of enjoying your boat. She's crazy. Tell her to go riding and you go to the marina. Hopefully she'll meet a guy into horses, divorce you and save you the trouble of all this crap. Put the boat in a mock up corp now. She can't touch it. Make your best friend the president and have lunch on the boat to make up the minutes of your corporate meetings. LOL Your gonna be ok dude. Sound like a nice guy.
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:12   #141
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Harvey Mason View Post
Work to save the marriage. Professional marriage counseling should help in understanding respective needs and areas of compromise required from both partners in the marriage. You have children and possibly future grandchildren in your life. I love my sailboat, but it pales compared to being grandpa. Long term priorities should support family, and if a future grandchild wants to sail, be there for him or her. You can always get another boat.
Just a correction here...You don't need to be married to be a Grandpa!

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Originally Posted by captlloyd View Post
What ever you do, don't sell that boat. A good marriage is a series of compromises, and your wife is refusing to compromise at all. Offer to see a counselor. If your wife does not like ocean travel, offer to fly her to your destination. There are so many possibilities. Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azul View Post
Someone might argue that women are not hardwired to be attracted to men who exhibit weak and indecisive behavior.
Yes, at times it seems like there is a movement by some women to psychologically castrate males. Remove their self will and freedom. After that is accomplished, they become disinterested and move on to the next challenge.

[QUOTE=BobFord;1718096]Women and boats are a rare combination ! My solution , that worked -

Quote:
Originally Posted by SV Bonzi View Post
Compromise? Any chance you can sail to a location and she would be willing to fly in and meet you there?
Joe
The ultimatum would probably follow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkSF View Post
When she gave you an ultimatum, she effectively told you that she was prepared to leave you if you didn't do exactly what she said. Right there, is a symptom of a serious problem on her part. My suggestion would be to let the ultimatum expire, and see what happens. If she's prepared to leave you over a boat, she's not worth keeping.
If she dutifully went through with the ultimatum...problem solved.
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:23   #142
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by wristwister View Post
and my observation is that there are MANY rational, attractive, intelligent women up here in the PNW who would claw each others eyes out for the chance to latch onto me. Which is exactly why I've got to be so careful with my sailing guest lists.

Scout, if you're interested in finding out about these sailing groups, send me a PM.
Now you tell me!
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:24   #143
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by Cadence View Post
I had posted it is none of our business, and I will stick with that. This is not the correct forum to answer a question only you can answer that.


I doubt you will get an unbiased reply here.
I beg to differ, the OP asked for our opinion and he is getting plenty of it.
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:29   #144
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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You nailed it. Not our business. We may have only heard a small piece of it.

I can't believe the no. of people that want to be dear Abby or Dr. Phil. Maybe they are leading dull lives or have problems of their own?

I wish the monitor would pull the plug on the thread.
I have an idea...unsubscribe from the thread and you won't have to suffer through it all...
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:54   #145
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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What do you mean, it's not our business? The op ASKED for advice. At that point, it became our business, didn't it?
Yes Cadence, I am starting to think you might be the OP's wife in disquise!
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Old 07-01-2015, 21:56   #146
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by Celestialsailor View Post
I have an idea...unsubscribe from the thread and you won't have to suffer through it all...
Agreed. Who's trying to control whom?

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Old 07-01-2015, 22:12   #147
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by ntscout View Post
ok, so long time lurker, not much of a poster. Really need some advice on this.

I have an older boat that I have completely restored to like new condition. Surveyor says it is in bristol condition. I absolutely adore this boat and have put so many hours into researching, restoring and using it. Recently got my 100T Captains license as well.

Here's the rub, my wife hates my boat, the slowness of boat travel and the ocean. Not only that, but she hates it when I want to use the boat by myself or go somewhere with a group of boaters. I love boating, have had boats all my life (two boats before marriage even) except when kids (and their horses, braces, education etc) depleted all available funds.

It is not a money issue - I retired early with no debt and money in the bank. I am not sure what kind of issue it is but the long and short of it is that I have been given an ultimatum about my "obsession" and told to sell it because it is damaging the marriage.

Looking for help understanding this. Almost cried today when I faxed the signed listing over to the broker. Now I am lost, I don't have any other hobbies or interests. I almost feel like a close friend has died.

What does a sailor without a boat do? Where to go on this?
You have something special not to many have had the good fortune to understand. It's not just a boat. It's a part of yourself as you have many hours both enjoying it and working with love on it. Lived on my 37" cutter for years and sailed to Australia from Buffalo,NY. Loved every nautical mile of it. Most peaceful and some terrifying, but all in all a fantastic part of my life. Sold it to get medical care for bad back and am now land locked. Enjoy my life now but sure miss the boating. Hard to choose between a wife and a boat. Both cost a lot of money but it's a shame your wife doesn't share in your love of the seas. Missing mine......Iceman
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Old 07-01-2015, 23:44   #148
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Ditto!!! That's what I did. Now found someone who loves to sail and talks as much boaty stuff as I do. Never been happier.
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Old 07-01-2015, 23:56   #149
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

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Originally Posted by WindwardPrinces View Post
Yes, it would be terrible if you've accurately summed this up, but you've only heard half the story. I would imagine that the wife also has a perspective, which probably disagrees with your depiction.

Is riling the OP up really the best we can do here? He has enough drama going on without us.
In these situations we're mostly dealing with perceptions. And if that's how he truly feels her side of the story would not matter much as to date she had not changed HIS perception of her. And since he has to live HIS life his own perception is all that matters, IMO.

More properly stated we are not asked to chose who is right or wrong. Thus even if the wife is 100% correct in her stand she still makes him unhappy and bowing to her ultimatum (however reasonable it may end up sounding to all of us after her explanation) will not make the guy happy. Often the best thing for both is just to move on, and the sooner the better. She will find her equesterian loving mate and he will find his Admiral to enjoy his next phase of life with. On the boat THEY love.
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Old 08-01-2015, 03:16   #150
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Re: Spouse hates my boat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sailor Bob 350 View Post
A sailing buddy of mine got divorced because, in her words, "the boat got more rubbing than I did."

Perhaps her remedy is severe, but be honest, are you an innocent victim and her a crazy woman? Not likely. I'd venture an honest assessment would show she is a boat widow, and that you spend far more time and money on the boat than her.

Her ultimatum is an act of desperation. She has no husband now, so why not go for broke? And you want to commit boating suicide, to punish her and become a martyr.

If you look for it, you can see in her eyes the woman you fell in love with. She is in great pain and anguish over losing you. But she is still that great woman you fell in love with.

That is great advice. Set the boat aside for a while and see if the relationship is still there and then work out some compromise on time if you can. Like previously said this is probably not the best place to seek marriage advice.

Why not put the boat on the hard for 6 mos and give your wife the keys, so you can focus on courting her again? Once you return to a loving relationship you'll work out something about boat time, and it will be so easy you will laugh!

I'm no counselor, but being happily married to my HS sweetheart for 40 years shows I know what I'm talking about. And yes, we've had to work out some things about my sailing addiction, but it all turned out great for both if us.

PS if you don't take your wife out to dinner for a weekly "date night," you are missing out on the greatest relationship tool there is. Try it for 3 weeks, you won't believe what a difference it makes!
That is great advice. Set the boat aside for awhile and see if the relationship is still there.

I agree that selling the boat will result in regret. Also agree that the internet is not the best place to look for a solution.
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