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Old 18-07-2012, 17:08   #16
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Wow great posts. Sounds almost like two things going on. One, your desire to cruise and get away. Two, is your desire to raise your kids with less crap (things) in their lives.

When we (wife and I, no kids) first got bit with the sailing bug three years ago. We had a five year plan to sail off in the sunset. That plan has now evolved into her not working any longer and us spending every free moment on the boat. If my job goes away we will be ready to head out.

Getting rid of crap. That seems to be a growing idea here (at least in the U.S.) Look at the tiny house movement and how it's growing. I heard a word the other day "afluensa" I think it makes since. We have tried for to long to make ourselves happy with things (crap).

I like your idea of not giving up the family for this dream. You're a smart man.

Things will work out. Take baby steps, compromise, and start by getting rid of crap.

Best of luck.
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Old 18-07-2012, 17:10   #17
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

When I grew up my Mom had this sign on the refrigerator that said "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" I didn't think much of it more than a cute magnet found in some cheesy gift shop. That is until the day I got married and opened a small wedding gift from my Mom. For the past thirty years it's been stuck to our fridge. It took years to convince my wife to do more than a few weeks at a time on the several boats I've had. She'll never join my dream and sail around the world with me. But then I really knew that deep down long before I proposed to her. She has made compromises and flown into ports to meet me and I've found that scratches my itch and she remains happy in the nest that I promised her and that she helped build. I'm a bit old school, I feel I am the head of the family and it is my duty and sworn before God oath to make sure the family comes first. My love for sailing, adventure and most of all the freedom, pulls at me everyday, sometimes more than others. But I've no doubt my love of sailing would vanish if I were to put it first.

But for fun...and my wifes amusement...

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Old 18-07-2012, 20:25   #18
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

That is funny, should put it on the "save KJ" thread.

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Old 19-07-2012, 00:13   #19
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

Sadly, I went through the same thing with my second marriage. I really thought I had got it right. I married a very good female friend I had spent a lot of platonic time with. Later, we began dating while I lived on one of my sailboats. She told me she wanted to share the dream with me but couldn't yet due to her kids ages. Soon after we married and bought a house with the idea of growing the kids and casting off. After a year, we had the boat but some how the house was more important to her and didn't want to participate in the boat. Eventually, I was always alone on the boat and we began to drift apart and divorced after 6 years of marriage.
I came away from all that pain with the conclusion that 99.5% of women are nester's. I think it's the way we're built. So know 12 years later, I have another boat, own my own home again and who knows...when I'm out cruising I might meet the .5% in some port. I hope it all works out for you.
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Old 19-07-2012, 00:58   #20
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

What a collection of honest, and insightful posts. This may be the greatest thread I've ever read on CF. In regard to the OP's dilemma, you are at a cross-roads where many wrong turns have been made before.
You have many choices-- some stated above. In the end, you either love what you have and give up the dream, or give up what you love and have the dream. If you're lucky, you can come to terms with loving what you have, in my opinion. You said you were not ever giving up your children, and I apploud that decision. Sailing on the high-seas with a big lump in your throat is not freedom. Take a deep breath. I wish you the best.
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Old 19-07-2012, 01:28   #21
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

I too had the "sail away" dream since i was about 19 years old. At that time i also decided that marriage and children were definitely not for me. Well, i lost a couple of girlfriends that i thought i could really love because of that decision, but stuck to it. Eventually ended up in Australia in 1974, and managed to fulfil my dream for two years in 79/80. Loved it, but as usual, money ran out and back to work for a while. In 1989 i met a lady who professed to love sailing and all the things that i enjoyed and made a huge mistake and married her. Immediately afterwards she decided that sailing was rubbish and admitted that it was all an act to get me. Believe me, i am not that much of a catch to think that someone would go to this extent to snare me. But she did. One year later, all over, had enough and sent her packing.

Now, after many solo years, not living on a boat, i have a new lady. We have been together for nearly three years. She had never ever been sailing but loved the water. I suggested that we go for a sail on a friend's boat one day and she absolutely loved it. We now have a 20' trailer sailer and a 15' daysailer and use them whenever we can.

I have obviously broached the subject of cruising full time, and whilst she is not totally dismissing it, i am totally aware that she NEEDS a home base, at least at this time. Know what? I would not sacrifice the fun and love that i have with and for her for a boat. If it happens, hooray, if not we still have a great life together and still get a lot of sailing. Maybe because i have done the dream, i can allow myself to be happy with this decision, so perhaps as others have suggested, you need to get it out of your system, but perhaps for a much shorter time span than forever, and have a year, shorter or longer, and let her come and enjoy just the good bits. Good luck to you anyway, it is a very difficult balancing act unless you can be as selfish as i once was.

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Old 19-07-2012, 07:47   #22
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

life, love and travelling--who better to research than bumfuzzle (patrick schulte)... google em...
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Old 19-07-2012, 07:56   #23
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

I recently also faced the same issue. I found that my wife was confused as to what I really wanted. When I said "Lets sail away and live on a boat" she thought I meant a SAIL BOAT. I had my mind set on a trawler. Once I explained that to her and took her to some boat shows, we were able to compromise on what we wanted. I was careful NOT to force it. Eventaully she came to the idea of selling the house on her own. And we now have it on the market.
As for the kids and lego's etc.. I agree with you. When I explained the benefits on our son, she concured. Xbox or Realtime Bio lab? easy decision.
Patience is the key. Buy your boat. Dont force her she is scared. This change takes as much courage as will power.

lastly. TIME is the commodity. Time.
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Old 19-07-2012, 08:09   #24
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

We had some of the same issues -- not wanting to lose the ties with family and friends, but yet wanting to "go cruising". Our compromise was to become "commuter cruisers". We knew we couldn't explore as far away as we wanted and only be gone a few months at a time.

So we started sailing to wherever we got to in the time we allotted ourselves, leaving the boat in a marina wherever that was and returning home for the other months a year. It works for us.

You might want to start by having a boat in a nearby marina and just taking daysails, anchoring off a beach to swim or whatever is fun. Then "graduate" to an overnight anchored somewhere where everyone has fun. Remember, non-sailors do not enjoy being dragged off on LONG sails, a few hours max, preferably 2-3, before dropping the hook and playing.

Make it fun. Not sure it will work, but might be worth a try.

Good Luck!
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Old 19-07-2012, 09:00   #25
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My story is similar to others. We'd been together for nearly 15 years when I was seduced by the cruising lifestyle. She was not opposed to the idea (we've always lived slightly off the beaten path), but definitely did not engaged in making it happen. A decade of sailing and extended cruising on the Great Lakes, and she is not only fully engaged in the plan, she is leading it in some ways. We have picked the date, and are both working together to make it happen.

Some practical things that helped us:
- Independent training. We both took many courses on our own. This allowed both of us to grow and become self-confident.
- Cruise as much as possible. Getting out there and learning how to live on a boat made a huge difference.
- We sail as co-captains. Typically the arrangement is the male as captain, and the female as first mate (or "admiral"). This does not work for us, although for many it does. We share the responsibilities, and the leadership.
- Make working towards full-time cruising part of current life. For us, this means maintaining a simple land-based home while developing our skills and upgrading the boat (and saving like crazy).
- Find a boat we both love. Down below and living space is as important as seaworthiness (perhaps more).
- Go slow. It's about the journey, not the destination.

The cruising life, indeed any life, wouldn't be worth it if I had to do it without my partner. She is an equal partner in the cruising plan. I am a lucky, lucky, man.
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Old 19-07-2012, 09:29   #26
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbluedreaming View Post
She tells me that people are happy, "Look at all the happy people out there working and living and paying off mortgages and taking 4 weeks of vacation each year" she says. "Why can't you be happy like them? Like I am now?" she tells me.
There are so many possibilities in this. You have to get to the root of this. Women often have a deep-seated need for security. People attach their sense of security to all kinds of foolish things - cars, houses, junk, jobs...

Dependents don't share their supporter's goals. They are inherently different in their wants and needs. Their idea of financial "progress" is having an ever-increasing amount of money to spend.

It's possible that your dream is not realistic, and that she may see something that you don't, or won't. She may intuitively understand that you're on a path to disaster, but may not be able to show you that in a way that you are able, or willing to grasp.

If your wife is surrounded by many family and friends, she will fear a sense of isolation and boredom. She may sense the lack of purpose in such a life. Your mortgage is an anchor which you are ready to cast off, but to her it is an anchor of security, guaranteeing that you will not leave her, or give up your job, or do anything stupid or poorly conceived, and it guarantees that she will stay close to her family and friends and the things she understands.

Sometimes peoples wants and needs grow apart. Sometimes the leader of a family has to adopt a leadership position and make a decision on behalf of the family. It is not always possible for a couple to work everything out "together".

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.

One thing is for certain, we are well into a new financial and cultural age that is far different from what anyone understood 20 years ago.
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Old 19-07-2012, 09:32   #27
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

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Believe me, i am not that much of a catch to think that someone would go to this extent to snare me. But she did.
LOVE! It's an amazing thing. Sadly, many women believe they can fix the problems with the man they fall in love with. They don't realize that by fixing the things they don't like, the will destroy the thing that made them fall in love in the first place - like a spirt of adventure and freedom, a rare trait amongst the masses, despite that fact that we are surrounded by such people every day.
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Old 19-07-2012, 09:51   #28
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

The dream will not be fun without the right person to share it with. How much boating/cruising have you done locally really? Maybe start there, spend a lot of time cruising, and making yourself a great , well outfitted comfortable boat. She might get the bug or you might lose the bug after a couple of years!
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Old 19-07-2012, 09:53   #29
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

AND:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtM View Post
LOVE! It's an amazing thing. Sadly, many MEN believe they can fix the problems with the WOman they fall in love with. They don't realize that by fixing the things they don't like, the will destroy the thing that made them fall in love in the first place - like a spirt of adventure and freedom, a rare trait amongst the masses, despite that fact that we are surrounded by such people every day.
just sayin'...
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Old 19-07-2012, 10:30   #30
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Re: Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

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The dream will not be fun without the right person to share it with. How much boating/cruising have you done locally really?
Excellent point...One cannot predict the outcome. But, you can get a better sense of the direction of things if you work towards it. So...if the OP bought a small, cheap day sailor to gain experience, the family might enjoy it. Or...the OP might not...or...fill in the blank. No sense worrying about the cruising aspect of it now or arguing about it. It will only erode the relationship.
I have a friend in Hawaii who has a sizable boat in his front yard. He has a great relationship with his wife who is not really keen on sailing away. Yet he slowly plugs along building the boat and being involved in the sailing community. There is something to be said for living a day at a time in the present moment and letting the future sort itself out.
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