Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

[Capt Phil]

I share your pain! I solved the problem by telling them to piss off and they stopped calling!
Phil

[nepal]

I'm happy TBP started this topic. I have similar aexperciences. The reactions are proving that sometimes friends stay landlubbers who try to import their live style on a boat. Sometimes not.

Let's not condemn TBG but realize also that sailors "misbehave" in an complete different environment.

[KidSheeleen]

When "friends" approach with the idea of boating with us, we quickly advise them they would be crew, assisting with watches, galley, and maintenance . It diffidently thins the requests down .

[wrwakefield]

Our friends and family know they are always welcome.

Once in a while we need to remind someone this is our full time home, not a weekend junket:

If you're coming to see us, come on over! If you are coming to see the boat, please make an appointment...

They also understand if we don't mutually plan well in advance [typically months] that there will be no cabin for them to sleep in. [The guest cabin is our storage most of the time. It must be emptied and the sleeping cushions brought from storage— which is on an island that may be hundreds of boating miles from our location...]

Also, the logistics for getting to us are typically somewhat involved. [Often necessitating hours of multi-hop commercial airline flights, sometimes followed by multi-day ferry rides or a chartered float plane..] The commitment to planning and expense alone precludes spontaneity on their part— let alone the lack of accommodations if we haven't prepared in advance...

We also remind them they can pick from the location[s] or date[s] we provide, but only one. [Where OR when...]

We enjoy having guests of our choosing on board [here is a post about a family of 6 we had onboard for 10 days... Very special friends— and yes, they still are... And here is a family of 5 who joined us in winter...]

We always insist guests read [and absorb...] our published information for guests before they begin planning...

This works out well for us and our guests since they always arrive prepared and with realistic expectations. They are (literally) invested in the experience...

Best wishes sorting out a process that works well for you and yours...

Cheers! Bill

[degouwb]

Wow....I'm amazed at how many boat owners can't be bothered to be friendly to their supposed "friends". They must have friends on some level before and now because you have a "yacht" they become a bother??!! Sure it's a bit of bother to entertain but I'm sure you would at least be cordial if at your "land house". I always appreciate experiencing, all over again, the beauty of sailing through someone else's eyes.

[boatpoker]

Think you need to re-define "Friends".

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by The Black Pig

In 5 years sailing we took 2 people for a week and by the end of it we were glad to see them going.
We also took few friends for a day sail or at anchor. After a couple of hours it become akward having to untertain them.
Every few month we get request for friends especially not so close friends wanting to "visit" us. What they really want is having a day on the boat. Whoever owns it.
How would you go about turning them down politely? Why do friends feel so entitled to go sailing with us because we have a boat???

I understand the requests from friends. When I bought my first boat I suddenly had a lot of requests for a ride but this is natural. It's really no different that when one puts in a pool, has a community garden, buys a high performance sports car, flies a plane, has a country or beach home, etc.

I think you're looking at this the wrong way. The issue isn't friends and acquaintances wanting to come along for a few hours or a day or two. That's a natural reaction. The issue is that your idea of boating and relaxing is different than your friends' idea. Most friends and acquaintances have no idea of what's involved in boating, and don't know that you are doing this to literally get away. They see pictures of people getting together for drinks and food, and basically think of it as a floating party or floating day of entertainment. You see this as time for your wife and you to relax, spend time together, and be alone.

I wouldn't blame them since their reaction is quite natural. I am very social so I am glad to have friends and acquaintances along for a few hours or even a few days. Each of my guests are different so I have to tailor the visit to their skills (or usually their lack of skills!), their tolerances, their personality, etc. Having said that, I always have to explain to them what they can expect. Realistic expectations will go far in making the visit a success. I also have no hesitation to hold them accountable for them keeping up their end of the bargain, that is their duties, responsibilities, etc.

The question for you is how much do you value your friends and acquaintances? If you don't value them, then just tell them no. The fact that you don't enjoy their company tells me that they are not really friends and are more just acquaintances. You shouldn't have to entertain them. Their company should be entertaining for both parties. Since it sounds like you don't enjoy their presence a polite excuse should be sufficient.

If you do value them, then you have to figure our how to decline their request while not offending them. Some of the previous suggestions are pretty good. Let them know what is involved in cruising and how much work is to be expected. Let them know about the differences between being in a country home or a beach house for a week versus being on a boat. Point out how things are really close quarters. I think you mentioned that you have a 32 foot boat. It's likely that you only have a V berth for you two and that they would have little privacy. Let them know what their duties will be. Usually those who just want to party will opt out since they are not really interested in actually sailing.

I wish you will in sorting this out and I hope that your desire to be alone doesn't alienate you from you true friends.

[anacapaisland42]

I'm with Bill (below), but some people do like their privacy.
We've spent 3 months with friends on their boat and they have spent time on our boat, I think with only 1 minor argument in that whole time.



I think the main thing is respect, there is only one captain who runs the boat, Privacy is paramount, Sharing the load is critical, sharing the cost is important (usually excluding booze) and sharing the memories is a joy....(for all those who have hit Panama......remember coming out of Shelter Bay Marina in Panama sharing the exit with all those ruddy huge ships)



Bill
Ontario, Canada

Originally Posted by wrwakefield

Our friends and family know they are always welcome.

Once in a while we need to remind someone this is our full time home, not a weekend junket:



They also understand if we don't mutually plan well in advance [typically months] that there will be no cabin for them to sleep in. [The guest cabin is our storage most of the time. It must be emptied and the sleeping cushions brought from storage— which is on an island that may be hundreds of boating miles from our location...]

Also, the logistics for getting to us are typically somewhat involved. [Often necessitating hours of multi-hop commercial airline flights, sometimes followed by multi-day ferry rides or a chartered float plane..] The commitment to planning and expense alone precludes spontaneity on their part— let alone the lack of accommodations if we haven't prepared in advance...

We also remind them they can pick from the location[s] or date[s] we provide, but only one. [Where OR when...]

We enjoy having guests of our choosing on board [here is a post about a family of 6 we had onboard for 10 days... Very special friends...] and insist they read [and absorb...] our published information for guests before they begin planning...

This works out well for us and our guests since they always arrive prepared and with realistic expectations. They are (literally) invested in the experience...

Best wishes sorting out a process that works well for you and yours...

Cheers! Bill

[Suijin]

Is this a serious question? Is it really that hard to say “we’re thrilled that you want to join us but {insert date} is not a good time for us”? If the issue is staying friends with those that you put off, it’s all in how you phase it. Any reasonable person with an ounce of emotional intelligence will understand a deferral given that it’s your home.

I don’t mind people “offering” to come sail with me or just expressing their desire to. I’ll invite those that are sympatico and not the others.

Someone here suggested a gating factor that is also helpful and which I now employ. “Volunteer” crew can name the place (assuming it’s on my itinerary) or the time but not both. There is nothing more aggravating than trying to meet a schedule to pick someone up. And that policy makes it clear you’re not a floating free AirBnB.

[jmschmidt]

Well excuuuuuuuuse me. You apparently don't turn down anything else "politely" so why in hell would you worry about these people?

[DEAN2140]

I would never take friends with no experience make any passages with me, even for a few days. If they want to visit you because you are anchored in a nice location, e.g., Puerto Vallarta, and wish to stay a few days, let them check in to a hotel. Why should your boat be turned upside down so they can save a few bucks?

The other problem with visiting friends and relatives is they have to make their travel plans in advance, which means you have to be at a certain time and place when they arrive. This can be an annoying restriction. We spent three weeks in Puerto Vallarta with relatives, long after the allure of the place had faded. When I returned from taking them to the airport, I literally stepped on the boat, motor running, and got the hell out. I had a crew of 3 and we all vowed, never again.

[SuW]

Originally Posted by yalnud

Sounds to me like you and your wife are just a couple of uptight dinks... I'm surprised you have any freinds at all. Keep up this lifestyle you just and dont qorry they will stop asking all on their own..

Goodness! Where did that come from?

[Jason Flare]

We always invite friends to visit us in Key West but no one ever comes.

Except one couple.

They wanted to visit. “How big is your boat?” She asked.

I told her.

She texted back, “You have a slip at the Galleon. We’re not riding in a dinghy out into that da*n anchorage.”

The would not let us contribute some of the cost of the slip. They paid for it

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by The Black Pig

Like you say I don't have problem with people that knows the drill.
When we were 3 for a week the watertanks went dry. 50 Gallons in a week. It usually last us 3-4weeks for 2.
I dont wanna be this guy that always say turn the tap off- watch your head- don't step on the hatches-lock the dinghy and so on...
It stresses us out and we don't need that in our lives.

Then just say "no" to guests, your boat, your life, your perogative. No explanation required and they wont likely ask again...problem solved.

[FabioC]

A bit sad though... I am guessing we are not talking about throngs of friends continuously asking for a boat ride... If it is the occasional couple of hours, why not sharing the pleasure of a nice sail? Aren't we social animals anyway?...
Not trying to be judgmental, we all have the right to be (or to avoid being) with the people we chose, but it is kind of sad we are transforming more and more into a society where others are such a nuisance that we prefer to be on our own.