Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

[RSH]

As someone who is new to the sailing community, I am fascinated by the responses.

On the one hand, the sailing/cruising community is known for helping out a fellow skipper when in need, whether you know them or not. On the other hand, y'all seem to be firmly in the "introverts" category and not super into "entertaining".

A lot of the unhappy posts seem to stem from a lack of good communication or unrealistic expectations (like whoever said "I told the guy to take the helm"-I knew that wasn't going to end well), or just a general inability to say no to people you're not interested in socializing with.

As my introvert husband likes to say, "no is a complete sentence". As an extrovert who is now the owner of a very hospitable catamaran, I'm assuming my default answer to people staying on board is to say "don't push any buttons without talking to me first".

I have a lot of friends and family who are very excited to visit us on our cat once we feel competent to sail and host, but none of them behave like they are "entitled" to come aboard.

I don't know whether it's because my communications skills are, um, blunt and to the point, and my friend circle reflects people who appreciate that, or I'm just lucky.

[gcraney]

This is a fun thread. We don't live aboard and we haven't owned a boat for very long but seem to have the same experience others have in that I have a lot of people TALK about wanting to go sailing but most aren't actually willing to re-arrange their schedules to join us. I genuinely wish more of our friends were more gung-ho about sailing and pestered us to go adventure more.

The folks that do actually come sailing with us are typically our more adventuresome and well traveled friends that generally understand they are travel companions, not guests.

I'm pretty blunt about not letting someone (even close friends) join my "crew" for a week if they haven't been on a small boat in the ocean. For those friends, if they want to join overnight, I take them out for a day trip first so they 1) know they can handle/medicate any seasickness and 2) understand that the facilities on our "yacht" are actually more akin to glamping.

[Leo Ticheli]

Originally Posted by RSH

On the one hand, the sailing/cruising community is known for helping out a fellow skipper when in need, whether you know them or not. On the other hand, Y'all seem to be firmly in the "introverts" category and not super into "entertaining".

I'm not certain that the majority of sailors are as negative toward guests aboard as this thread may suggest. I believe most of us actually enjoy entertaining guests; I can't point to any data and I could be very wrong, but I hope I'm not.

Fair winds,
Leo

[markpierce]

Would it be so bad to share your joy for an afternoon? If so, tell them that your boat is scheduled for a turn at the boatyard for overdue maintenance.

[RSH]

Originally Posted by Leo Ticheli

I'm not certain that the majority of sailors are as negative toward guests aboard as this thread may suggest. I believe most of us actually enjoy entertaining guests; I can't point to any data and I could be very wrong, but I hope I'm not.

Fair winds,
Leo

Yes, it's a small sample of people responding, and probably not accurate. Certainly the other boat owners I've met so far have been remarkably gracious and hospitable, to a person.

[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by RSH

I don't know whether it's because my communications skills are, um, blunt and to the point, and my friend circle reflects people who appreciate that, or I'm just lucky.

Probably a combination of both.

[LargeMarge]

They want you to take them sailing?
First, they need to invite you out on their full-time live-aboard powerboat.

Stands to reason.

* * * * *

"Oh, by the by, we'll be in the neighborhood of your house, so we'd like you to cook for us while we watch your television set and clog your toilet. Sorry, we don't do dishes. Of course, you won't mind if our children are highly-caffeinated, right?"

And the corollary:
"Oops! We didn't know our dogs weren't allowed on your couch... you should be able to clean that up... that stain blends right in... if you stand over here, you can hardly see it..."

[CatNewBee]

Why not take them by the word and go out on a fresh breeze upwind with some yippie-a-yeah beating to the waves and spray on the face. They may enjoy it or not, but for sure you'll sort them quickly into the categories prospects or land lubber.

Do not forget an extensive safety instruction before setting sails and some drill with life vests and MOB to raise awareness and give them some respect to the sea.

Another great opportunity is to invite them, when you are on the hard doing some bottom sanding and painting for a few days. If they are helpful and consider you stil a friend, they are welcome for a sail and some fun on the water, just show them both sides of the coin.

[Sojourner]

I'm a sucker for guests.... I love showing off our little home and our three sailing kittens, so I've been known to break out the good grappa even for people I dislike just so they can have the best experience on my boat as they can

As for seasickness, it depends on the person's attitude. We hung out with a newish friend for a few days onboard... we knew her well enough to know she was a complete sweetheart so didn't need to think too hard. She was on and off seasick the whole time, and I don't think anyone has enjoyed our boat as much as she did. Just took a pill, took a barf, then went back to sipping beer and grinning ear to ear, topless, watching the waves and the horizon.... adorable!

[Island Time O25]

Other than my few sailing friends, who are currently far away for this or that reason, most of my regular friends in off season are very gun ho to day sail with me or even overnight. But when it comes to making firm plans 99% of the time they either cant make it, cant stay long enough for a meaningful day sail or want to bring their numerous friends, relatives or their childrens play dates.

Some guests are very happy to bring food and adult beverages in good quantities. Some not so much. Former are of course very much welcomed, latter not so much.

One guy once asked me what to bring to the boat. As I had a bunch of people onboard and the weather was going to be hot I told him to bring a watermellon. He brought two slices packed in a styrofoam tray. And later, when I reminded him of my no smoking onboard policy, he managed to flick his butt against the wind and it landed in a crevice on deck, which I barely caught on from damaging the gelcoat. Obviously he was not invited since despite often hinting how much he enjoyed that day on the water.

[exMaggieDrum]

Just to make add some clarity which seems important after some have concluded we must be unfriendly or certainly not as friendly as they are.



We have had endless parties on our boat. Thirteen people in our cockpit drinking margaritas. BBQ's. Shared dinners. On other boats. We welcome people, some of which we don't know and will not keep in touch with. Boating is by far the easiest way to make friends we have ever seen.


We find it perfectly OK to be a little selective to exclude people who are not our friends and who, in general, don't know how to enjoy, take care of, and stay safe on a boat.



All of you who delight in having any body and every body on your boats, I am totally impressed with. Somehow we are known as some of the most friendly and welcoming people around. But some people cause more brain damage than we want. We wouldn't ask them to our house either. Or just go out to dinner with them. That doesn't mean we are unfriendly, or any of the others who basically do the same thing.



We have met a lot of boaters who never have you to their boat, nor join in parties, or even smile when you meat them on the dock. The owner of the boat next to mine on one side will not even say hello after I do. The other side the owner and his family are warm and sharing. All sorts of people out there.


It is possible to be friendly by being just a little selective as to who you ask on your boat.



I don't feel put out by the comments. They don't matter. Everyone does what works for them.

[CatNewBee]

I guess, when you cruise or live aboard, you change priorities in life and over time share very little with the people on land.

While cruisers are very diverse from their background they have much in common on views and thoughts, easy to talk and tell stories, celebrate life.

Landlubbers stick to the rat race, have different priorities and often do not understand liveaboards and the lifestyle, some are jealous and think it all about party and lifestyle, some see cruisers as poor jobless nomads and losers, that cannot afford a house on land - depends on the boat you have.

The pace of life is different, cruisers live to the tide and weather and follow the sun trying to fix things along the way, land folks live to the clock, workdays and schedules waiting for the next vacation to get entertained.

Over time there is not much in common to talk about.

[Stu Jackson]

Maybe the terror some guests feel is from skippers talking about HEALING.


They think they're gonna get hurt!

[Finspeak]

First of all, we’ve found that relatively few friends actually want to come to the boat, especially when they discover there are tidal windows and the mention of wet weather gear usually sorts out the serious sailors. We do the same as CaptTom and take them out for a couple of hours on a sunny calm day, when we are somewhere with full tidal access. We’ve never had anyone wanting moe than a day out, and we always include exploring ashore in that. One key thing is we do actually LOVE people and having conversation, a meal and a few drinks when the sailing is over, however they have to be able to turn up on time or we go without them.

Before we had our own boat we used to sail with a Med-based friend. The rules were simple and unequivocal. Anyone is welcome, but you share equally in food and fuel costs. Never offer anyone more than one night on board unless you’ve had them before.

[Wdlfbio]

Interesting question and responses. I have a handful of friends that often like to come by my house and hang for a bit. They’re usually welcome to do so. Most of the time, it’s for dinner, games, and or a tv show. None show up empty handed and all chip in on whatever prep or cleanup. I don’t see why it would be any different on the boat. Of course, lay down the basic ground rules that the ground dwellers just wouldn’t know about getting around on a boat...especially any potty needs. I have basic house rules too. They hear about those.

I’m assuming your friends made the inquiry because you freely chose to discuss your lifestyle with them and likely portrayed it in an attractive manner. If they really are friends, I’d expect them to want participate in their friends lives.
I’d look at it as more of an opportunity to expose others to your lifestyle than as a negative.

But, your post struck me as a couple preferring your solitude rather than sharing lives with non-sailors. Nothing wrong with that. To each their own. But, lots of us are drawn to learning about things that others make sound pretty cool.