What if chasing the dream means you have to give up a relationship?

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Kaya 09

I see too many wives that as girlfriends seem to enjoy their husband's lives and then once married, nothing is ever the same. All of the sudden, thier priorties take precedent and lives are miserable unless it is so.

Yea, too many.........

[dcstrng]

Originally Posted by Canibul

when I tell you this, it's not just academic....If you don't share the same dreams, the relationship is eventually going south on you anyway.... Some people will try to adjust their dreams to suit you, because there is something else they think they want that you have. It doesnt work. Eventually it falls apart. You need to find someone who has the same dreams you have, and the only way to be sure is to find someone who had those dreams before they ever met you.

Yup, I think you covered the bases… cruising, like a few other passions, is a life-style… it’s not like you can pop over to the links for 18 (19) holes at dawn and then return home for lunch after the little lady has had her nails and hair done…

A spouse/mate may genuinely want to enjoy a different life-style with me, but eventually if their head and heart aren’t equally committed to it, either she or I will have to let go – regardless of the fact it has been a cherished objective for decades; I’m from the “been there, did that” school… Over the decades far too many of the true cruisers have left loves standing on the dock -- it’s clearly an occupational hazard… on the other hand, more than a few cruises have never left port because of the unwillingness to do same… I think this is where those nine-month sabbatical cruises may have a role… my suspicion is, however, that all it does is wet the appetite and leave the (again) shore-bound cruiser more frustrated than if they’d never tasted the candy…

But I don’t think anyone should purposefully dump a mate (or abandon the dream, either) precipitously – human nature being what it is, the more committed course/choice will eventually prevail most of the time, and both will better comprehend the choices made, having actually experienced the hurdles…

[tillerman]

Dump her. Quickly. Today. Otherwise, you'll face a nightmare. She is or she ain't. She ain't. The woman you're looking for is a rare bird indeed. I know, I'm looking too. Women that will live on a small sailboat with a guy, or accept the fact that it's part of a guys life are a tiny percentage. First of all, they are independent, successful (nothing to do with bucks), confident and have high self esteem. They'll take you out for a night on the town and not bat an eye. Because they love you. You don't have to kiss their tush for them to prove it. They'll love you for what you are - warts and all. Hoping for someone to change is a lost cause. I'm the world's expert on that stuff. Got the burn marks all over my soul to prove it. No more...
Best - J.

[Ex-Calif]

What if.....

What if you die and get to see the big guy - no matter what religion he may be - and he says to you.

"That was heaven! What were you thinking? You wasted 90 years of paradise working in a freakin' cube! Are you nuts?"

Live as if this is it. Too many people die within 2 years of retiring. Too many people go through life saying, "As soon as..."

Life is the journey not the destination.

If you have changed over the years and want to chuck in the land based lifestyle you need to make sure that you have given the spouse the opportunity to come on the journey with you by communicating and giving her time to assimilate the proposed changes.

However if it is a new relationship and you are committed to the dream, and she is not, you should cut the lines early.

[iiii]

"A man with a woman can't always get a boat. A man with a boat can always get a woman."

[Trim50]

yep...had a girlfriend get sea sick and she knew right then and there that our relationship didn't have a future. We stopped seeing each other a couple months later. We both knew why and were completely ok with it.

[anotherT34C]

My wife is trying (not yet sold) to get into the lifestyle of long distance sailing (months to years duration), but if it doesn't work out... if she's too scared, or has health issues, I'll give it up and we'll just have to travel by plane.

No way I'd ever leave her behind. She's got a great one.

[hellosailor]

Dan-
What kind of religion won't let you see the Big Guy until you're dead? Sounds fishy to me. If he's too busy to book an appointment before then, he's not suitable for a management position.

[ssullivan]

Hmmm... I would take a slow approach, if you think she's worth it.

Give it a year. Get out on the water. Try to expose her to the magic that is sailing and being on the water. See if it takes, or if she's more of a "land girl" that would rather be behind the white picket fence, keeping up with the Joneses. (not the TaoJoneses, of course!)

If she doesn't see it as something she wants to do, then she is not "convertible" to someone you can have at sea with you.

I speak from experience. I converted my wife. She was a club-going, high fashion wearing, $300 shoe wearing, TV appearing, former Miss Teen NY. If she, who had never even been out on a sailboat before, could fall in love with sailing to the extent to live aboard and dream her own dream about cruising, anyone could.

I should add that when she's seasick, she just pukes and gets it over with, feeling better afterward, like it's nothing. Me? I'm a crying baby turning all green and getting oddly quiet in the corner if I get seasick... lol

You just have to find the right girl and introduce her carefully to the lifestyle. If she's a good person, it will typically take.

[exfishnz]

Originally Posted by sundowner

Is chasing the dream worth losing a relationship?

Life without any dreams (no matter what they are) is nothing but a slow death.

Ever heard the saying "there's a woman in every port"? Its true.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by hellosailor

Dan-
What kind of religion won't let you see the Big Guy until you're dead? Sounds fishy to me. If he's too busy to book an appointment before then, he's not suitable for a management position.

Too serious a left turn to take on this one - LOL...

However there is only one waqy to know the "big question" and I reckon I can wait a few years to find out ;-)

[MarkJ]

I have continued to ponder this question over the time it has been up and we have been actually 'doing' the life.

I would definitely lose the girl to keep the life, but then I know one weird thing: Nicolle knows it too. Is that why she has taken to the water like a duck? She really has been extremely good in the bader parts of the life... like the other day she was cleaning the heads. What complaint do you think she made? "I hate cleaning heads"? Nup, it was: "More space around the toilet would make it easier to clean". Damn, I was impressed!

She is a dream comer truer.

I feel sorry for folks who are already set in their lives and can't work the way to be able to give the ultimatum so that its workable on both sides financially. Houses get in the way because they are too high a percentage of wealth and can't easily be split.

Our whole preparation from a year before buying the boat, thru buying, and cruising has been a set of huge challenges all trying to stop my dream. Any single challenge could have derailed it (or continue to as new challenges appear). I won't let a challenge defeat me. No matter what it is I am determined to do this and enjoy it. The more strongly I am committed to my dream the more strongly the world changes to back me up!

If I had said to Nicolle what would you prefer a life of sometimes hardship cleaning marine toilets, or a life of stability in your house her answer would have been obvious. However she has entered the unknown with a zest and an energy that has made my dream significantly better.

Those whose partners are an anchor to their lives should just cut the bitter end and find the courage to go do it themselves. I doubt you will regret it.




Mark
P.S We are sailing near a yacht where the woman and her adult son ditched their husband/dad and are cruising!

[PBzeer]

It really is just a matter of priorities. Which is more important to you, the relationship or the dream. Figure that out, and you have your answer.

[chris_gee]

I think it is a mistake for one person to live another's life were it possible.
To put it another way desirably you each have lives as individuals and some life you may choose to share.
To say the cruising life is superior to all others is a bit over the top. Some of its attraction lies in contrast - if you are snow bound images of tropical islands may be beguiling. Those on tropical islands have their fantasies too.
The reality is that few manage to cruise on a long term basis for many reasons including financial, as at times other aspects of life intervene; education, career, children, health, aging parents etc.
On a practical basis it is difficult to have a way of life as a single goal that one's partner does not share. How invasive cruising has to be in a couple's overall lives is negotiable however. That is neither has to be the priority in an either or choice.
If no common ground can be found then one's views on the primacy of relationships come into play.
Most would probably accept that a good relationship adds an enormous amount to life in a cruising or any situation. Well desirably anyway - I am not sure how many put in the efforts to maintain them.
Whether a particular person or relationship is the one and only is debatable. Some form successive relationships with ease, others sparingly. One partner may seem indispensable but in hindsight a disaster or vv, and a new partner may seem superior at first but in reality they are just different in some ways.
I suspect that success lies in some basic compatibility and in an ability for each to foster the other while also respecting themselves and their needs.
Some working together is called for. The original poster says his girlfriend cannot see herself living in a small space and for more than a week at a time.
It is not clear just what steps he has taken to achieve his dream and in what form it might be realised.
However a start would be listening to the girlfriend and addressing her concerns as being where she is at this point in time.
Both her points have some validity. Even a 40' boat is a confined space for two people. Secondly after a week or so confined with another person even without fatigue and sea sickness the desire for other company and conversation would for many people especially perhaps women be strong.
Fortunately this applies also to others so cruisers tend to be sociable.
I also think there can be a difference in the content of how people think about cruising. One may focus on dangerous cramped and boring while the other sees adventure and freedom. Perhaps your girlfrind may be more attracted by the travel and independence than the sailing. That might include different food, cultures, art, people whatever. There may well be particular places she would love to go to.
Finally leaping from a daysail to a life aboard may need some time, just as a first date wanting to pick the names for your five children may be pushing it a little.
You have room to negotiate just get a pre-nuptial charter in the the agreement sense.

[nesscapade]

Hi everyone,

I'm very interested in networking with other cruisers. Like many of you, I've carried the dream of the long-distance cruise.

A great inspiration was Robin Lee Graham's solo circumnavigation as a teenager. He was 10 years older than me and I followed his route thanks to National Geographic.

In the meantime, I've done plenty of sailing in the Great Lakes, Chesapeake, Caribean a little in the Med and some in the Pacific NW.

I currently own a Catalina 22 (Nesscapade) which I keep on Lake Erie in Michigan.

I look forward to learning and sharing where I can.