The Fear Experienced by Loved Ones Left Ashore

artisthos · 13-12-2009, 18:29

I am writing the story of my sail across the North Atlantic in a 36” Pearson with two other experienced sailors. The real story was the wives anxiety. None of us had sail open water and this escalated into the wife’s overwhelming anxiety. We very much wanted to go. We, basically, told them to go to hell we are going with or without their permission. A dark cloud hung over the trip and it was not the fun trip we expected. It is hard to have fun on such a great adventure when notes from home were: “You are so selfish, you don’t care, you abandoned us, our marriage will never be the same, I hate you, etc.”
This got me thinking that many people are left behind when the significant others go in to harm’s way or apparent harm’s way. Military, police, fire and other hazardous jobs must play heavily on the love ones left at home. We, more or less, threw a wrench in the works concerning the love of our wives. We never sailed open water. They never married a fisherman who they knew would be out there in all kinds of weather. Normally sailing in the most pleasant times is one thing but the crossing, even in the best of times, is a real lump in a landlubbers gut.
I look forward to thoughts and links to sites that deal with the welfare of ones left behind

BubbleHeadMd · 13-12-2009, 19:09

Even though I warned my "other" to the best of my ability that I was an active duty sailor onboard nuclear submarines, I still received those letters. Well...mine were in brief 40-word tirades called "family-grams". This was before email.

So, even those of us whose spouses had ample warning that they were marrying into these professions are not safe from these stinging comments.

Now this year, at 36 years old I found myself having surgery for cancer. After serving on subs, a fight with cancer was NOT a life lesson that I felt I needed. I KNOW the value of a sunrise, stopping to smell the flowers, not taking loved ones for granted.

Even so, the event placed an even greater urgency on life for me. I told my other that I simply can't waste my life sitting on the sofa on a sunny Saturday afternoon while she draws the curtains and crochets to old movies all day (this is not an exaggeration). I must go out and live life, and that means taking risks. Skiing, motorcycling, running the Annapolis 10-miler in the August heat, and now sailing.

Bottom line:
She may not understand, or want to understand, but it doesn't mean that you were wrong to make the trip. You have a finite number of days on this Earth. Live them.

capcook · 13-12-2009, 19:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by artisthos

I: “You are so selfish, you don’t care, you abandoned us, our marriage will never be the same, I hate you, etc.”

You've been putting the bread on the table for how many years? Now you want to do something for you and she calls it shelfish... figures... I actually can relate but as the other responder said, you have to live your life too... go for it !

cheers

sabray · 13-12-2009, 19:47

Oh my the opposite of love isn't hate it's indiffernce. I suppose there is hope.? Did you invite the family?

clausont · 13-12-2009, 19:52

It is for that exact reason that the chances of us ever cruising as a family are pretty slim. Even though myself and our five kids would love to go- or even sail short hops to neighboring marinas for the weekend on occasion, mama hates boats. When we were first married, she wanted to go sailing.
My love for her, for our family and my duty as a father far outweigh my desire to go cruising.
That being said, we are planning a trip up to Puget Sound this spring when weather permits. That is - the kids and I. Mama says she will drive. Fine.
As the saying goes, if mama ain't happy - ain't nobody happy.

MikeZ · 13-12-2009, 20:05

Quote:

You've been putting the bread on the table for how many years? Now you want to do something for you and she calls it shelfish... figures

You're kidding, right? First, how do you know SHE hasn't "been putting the bread on the table?" Secondly, the OP said he basically told her to "go to hell." If that's not "selfish," then what is?

Having said that, I agree that it's essential to be selfish, in the sense that if you don't take care of yourself first, you have nothing of value to offer anyone else. Sounds like -- from the little we have here -- that it was more a matter of HOW this was done than THAT it was done. Maybe.

regards,
Mike

paradix · 13-12-2009, 20:24

Don't there seem to be two separate issues here?

The one you've identified in your original post is the fear and anxiety of loved ones when their partner is off on a dangerous journey.

Yet the experience you've described is your wife saying “You are so selfish, you don’t care, you abandoned us, our marriage will never be the same, I hate you, etc.”

That's not the same thing is it? Surely if it was fear and anxiety then the message would be "Take care, I'm so worried, I love you, Come back safely, etc". What you're describing seem to be the symptoms of resentment, not worry.

bvimatelot · 13-12-2009, 21:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by paradix

Don't there seem to be two separate issues here?

The one you've identified in your original post is the fear and anxiety of loved ones when their partner is off on a dangerous journey.

Yet the experience you've described is your wife saying “You are so selfish, you don’t care, you abandoned us, our marriage will never be the same, I hate you, etc.”

That's not the same thing is it? Surely if it was fear and anxiety then the message would be "Take care, I'm so worried, I love you, Come back safely, etc". What you're describing seem to be the symptoms of resentment, not worry.

I think you are absolutely right, Paradix and it does seem that maybe the initial request to go sailing was not put as diplomatically as maybe it should have been?

I've been extremely lucky in that my wife expects me to go sailing and has been used to me being away, like Bubblehead, on long patrols.

I often wonder (in a musing sort of way) if we could have been happily married for 35 years and raised a super family if I had been at home all the time.

Chief Engineer · 13-12-2009, 22:27

OP?

Selfish self centered

"we basically told them to go to hell"

Nice

Make sure you give us the title to the book...so we can avoid it

anjou · 13-12-2009, 23:17

I understand the dilemma but also have to ask how close you realy are to your wife(s).
Its not fair and very selfish for one partner to want to control and stiffle the other persons desires to live life to the full, but in the interests of keeping both parties happy, its best done with understanding and blessings, that way, your both reasured.

Thanks for posting your thoughts, its been an honest insite.

Wotname · 14-12-2009, 05:29

Hmm... lots of issues here and as with most relationships, we can only guess at what the truth might really be.

Sometimes the fear the other party is expressing is not their concern for you, rather their concern for themselves should something happen to you.

TACK OFF · 14-12-2009, 05:55

“You are so selfish, you don’t care, you abandoned us, our marriage will never be the same, I hate you, etc.”

is this your first fight.....
buddy, my wife talks to me like this all the time, its her way of saying .....I love you...
Trust me everything will be fine when you get home

Not Sure · 14-12-2009, 06:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by clausont

As the saying goes, if mama ain't happy - ain't nobody happy.

As the saying goes, 'if mama ain't happy - time to find a new mama'. (Preferably a newer model year.)

BubbleHeadMd · 14-12-2009, 06:22

I think we got the abbreviated version of the story. He may have tried to ask her diplomatically for quite sometime, and as zero-hour approached for departure, he finally decided it was something he had to do and told her to go to hell out of frustration. This is all hypothetical of course.

My conversations generally ran like this: "I signed a contract before we got married. What do you want me to do, miss movement and end up reduced in rank and making less money? I don't have a choice, I have to go."

Lol...I still usually was accused of having a great 'ol time, like it was a poker cruiser or something.

anjou · 14-12-2009, 06:34

Im the relationship expert here with the most recent and up to date experience and it boils down to one thing.

'Happy Wife, happy life'

Invest in her happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold. Its a no brainer.