The Fear Experienced by Loved Ones Left Ashore

[Fishman_Tx]

As ex-career military, I can relate to this. My wife also was self-deluded (and needed to grow up) when we were married. I warned her what would happen (not could) as far as my postings were concerned. We could end up anywhere in the world. First place we ended up was New Mexico, not far from home in Texas. She bailed. Then Mississippi for 8-1/2 months of training. She bailed. And this was the tune of our marriage for the next 15 years and that marriage is almost over now (Jan 2010), and then it's MY turn to "fly".
But I digress...
The point here I guess is no one knows how someones going to react until the situation is upon them. With some it's an underestimation of how strong they are and how they handle fear. Some react to that fear with tears and hugs and kisses and pleadings, others with anger and harsh words. For some, it's strictly self-interest, as was my case, but that usually is evident over the marriage as a whole and does not appear "at the last minute". Selfishness is readily apparent from the start. To what degree, we find out later.

[sneuman]

Originally Posted by anjou

Im the relationship expert here with the most recent and up to date experience and it boils down to one thing.

'Happy Wife, happy life'

Invest in her happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold. Its a no brainer.

Not necessarily. We all have desires and things we'd like to accomplish in life. (well, actually, I know plenty of people who have absolutely no personal goals, but they are hardly alive, in my mind). Simply caving to another's desires (especially when those desires represent the extinguishing of ours) is a recipe for deep resentment and unhappiness.

What I suspect we didn't hear in the OP's story is the money that this adventure cost. I could be wrong, but the wife's tirade seems to be less about safety than money.

Now, I am not saying this is the case here, but I have seen more than a few couples where the wife refuses to consent to $1,000 to spend on a boat but brooks no dissent from spending an equal or greater amount on landscaping (and this is when he is the sole breadwinner, btw). Selfish goes both ways.

[Kefaa]

This could easily turn into a couples session because it sounds like some of the posters have real issues - even without a voyage.

In addition, this applies only to voyages of choice. If you signed up for duty and then secured a “significant other,” that is a different situation than the OP. Duty is something you committed to and you need to fulfill your requirements by law. I think even spouses who never anticipated how long/hard/lonely it could be, understood they bought into this as part of the deal. Some don't hang around, but they understood when it started.


As for the others, if your spouse wanted to go off with another person for a few months, how accepting would you be? It would only be a couple of evenings a week to start, then maybe some weekends. Nothing for you to get upset about. Well, yes, she would be spending a bit of money to keep him happy, but what else can you do? And then they will go off on a big trip at the end, may a month, or maybe six months. It all depends on how things are going at the time.


Then there is "Why would you leave them behind?" Why not take them? “Mama hates the boat.” Really? Or is it more “Mama hates being a galley slave.” Read Larry and Lin Pardey on this subject and you may find the truth is you either A - never wanted Mama along anyway or B - never really looked at it like Mama does or C - Mama's first experience was such a bad combination of A and B, no one in their right mind would want to come along.
It's only a few pages, but well worth the read.
Self Sufficient Sailor - Google Books

Before you put too much judgment onto the “bitch screwing with your dream,” consider they are left behind to take care of everything (like paying those bills, ensuring you are still alive, getting you out of trouble if you fail, explaining to the children why this is more important than them, ensuring the money still keeps coming in...the list of everything they do today PLUS your side of the relationship. )

All the activities that need to happen so you can spend time with someone else.

[Navicula]

'Happy Wife, happy life'

Invest in her happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold. Its a no brainer


I agree.............but I have been investing in her for years and sometimes with gifts...........but it only lasts about a week.........because she forgets and wants more

at the end of the day I am sure they will kiss and make up

PS: been married for 25 years

[clausont]

Originally Posted by anjou

'Happy Wife, happy life'

Invest in her happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold. Its a no brainer.

Well put, Anjou! I fully believe in this. It works both ways also. When a husband and wife work together to make a relationship work, it usually does. If each seeks their own desires without regard to the other, it often fails.

In our family, this has helped to create a strong family. To have a strong family, whether just husband and wife or if there are kids in the equation, there must be give and take on both sides.

Mama hates boats - true. But she will not try to stop the rest of us from sailing - whether day sailing or a short cruise of a couple of weeks.
She even suggested recently that the kids and I sail to Baja and she would fly down and join us.
Is she sick of being the "galley slave" as one suggested? She has never been on a sail of more than an hour or two and I do most of the cooking aboard, so that thought is out. We have anchored out for the day and even over night. Does she get seasick? Yes! She does not like to be seasick (who does?) and she says that she is not comfortable when the boat is "bucking like a rodeo horse". She will tolerate sailing if we stay in the bay where the water is calm.
Do I force her to go over the bar with us knowing that she may get sick and be uncomfortable? Absolutely not! Although she is welcome to go if she chooses to.

[artisthos]

Thanks for all the comments. This is just what I needed.
Although I started out to try to persuade my spouse to let me go she was dead set against it. I had to go on a hunger strike to get her to come about. I regret this but it was only while on board did I realize that we all told our wives to go to hell, some in stronger language and others in a more devious manner.
I was always being accused of keeping secrets as I prepared for my trip. I equate this to just not being willing to delve into the labyrinth of things to learn while preparing for the trip. Not a day went by without learning more about the preparation and hazards.
Although we fell in love on a three week sail up the east coast and my wife is an excellent companion while onboard she cannot run the ship, yet. It was never in the cards to invite the wives along. We wanted sailors who could take over completely, if needed.
People always say, “A trip of a lifetime.” However, I say, “What?” I am not finished yet with adventure even though I am 56 and can only have so many more days as a nimble sailor.
Working as a fine artist painting portraits and the like, I have never really brought home the bacon. I work at home and take care of the home and meals. Money was a big problem for the trip, not so much because of availability but because of resentment of squandering our money. My wife is very frugal. The whole thing ended up being very nasty.
Thanks again for the comments.

[S&S]

Originally Posted by clausont

Well put, Anjou! I fully believe in this. It works both ways also. When a husband and wife work together to make a relationship work, it usually does. If each seeks their own desires without regard to the other, it often fails.

In our family, this has helped to create a strong family. To have a strong family, whether just husband and wife or if there are kids in the equation, there must be give and take on both sides.

Mama hates boats - true. But she will not try to stop the rest of us from sailing - whether day sailing or a short cruise of a couple of weeks.
She even suggested recently that the kids and I sail to Baja and she would fly down and join us.
Is she sick of being the "galley slave" as one suggested? She has never been on a sail of more than an hour or two and I do most of the cooking aboard, so that thought is out. We have anchored out for the day and even over night. Does she get seasick? Yes! She does not like to be seasick (who does?) and she says that she is not comfortable when the boat is "bucking like a rodeo horse". She will tolerate sailing if we stay in the bay where the water is calm.
Do I force her to go over the bar with us knowing that she may get sick and be uncomfortable? Absolutely not! Although she is welcome to go if she chooses to.

I can almost quote this word for word. The most diffucult part is getting the wife to understand that there is a part of my life that although the kids like it and participate, she can't. That really frosts women (at least mine- but i'm guessing that to be generally true). I'm setting her up with another "boat widow" so they can meet us at the destination. I'm thinking longer term that it'd be easier if she just found something to do while we're out sailing.
And yeah, I hear about the costs as well.

[Fishman_Tx]

My wife can't do sailing either. She gets seasick even on a cruise ship, so she's more than happy with the jonboat and Evinrude. She never could understand my wanting to sail and never got onboard for it because she couldn't do it. But then she doesn't want me onboard for it either because she can't do it and feels left out(I think). Of course she refuses to deal with the fact that some boats can sail on lakes where it's calm (so she could go too). Sometimes life just sucks, I guess, and you can't win for losing.

[sweetsailing]

Although we fell in love on a three week sail up the east coast and my wife is an excellent companion while onboard she cannot run the ship, yet. It was never in the cards to invite the wives along. We wanted sailors who could take over completely, if needed.

Does she like to sail? Are you sure she isn't angry about not being asked to come with or even being considered as a participant? It sounds as though you need to trust a bit more in her abilities to contribute while on board. Not entirely sure where her head is at in terms of wanting to sail or being included however, I know if it were me and I do like to sail...I would be hopping mad about the lack of confidence and trust in the ability to contribute positively to the endevour that is conveyed by some of the comments above.

I don't know...it just goes to show that marriage is a partnership whether on the water or on land, together or apart, interested in the same goals or not.

[Wotname]

Originally Posted by anjou

Im the relationship expert here with the most recent and up to date experience and it boils down to one thing.

'Happy Wife, happy life'

Invest in her happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold. Its a no brainer.

Who is responsible for another's happiness?

Each is responsible for their own state of mind (and therefore happiness).

It is also a two way street and equally "invest in his happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold; its a no brainer.

Some investments are better than others and some fail so bad that all the capital is lost.

[zydecotoad]

I certainly couldn't stay married to a woman who was either fearful to the point of forbidding such a trip or who was so jealous of my spending time away. But, that's why I married an independent woman.

I would have invited my wife on such a trip, though I expect that she would decline.

I agree with Wotname. "investing in happiness" is a 2 way street.

[Not Sure]

I firmly believe that many older couples stay together simply because it is convenient...and comfortable, to do so....long after the love has faded. That is why you see older couples who argue with each other like cats and dogs.....all the time.

[Kefaa]

Originally Posted by Not Sure

I firmly believe that many older couples stay together simply because it is convenient...and comfortable, to do so....long after the love has faded. That is why you see older couples who argue with each other like cats and dogs.....all the time.

How sad for you. I firmly believe that most of us stay together because we have a wealth of life experience that no one can begin to imagine, experience or replace. From a crazy honeymoon, to the tragic death of a six-year old to planning a daughter's wedding, grand children, and plans for the sailing adventure of a lifetime.

What you consider arguing is also misunderstood. It is only an arguement if winning is your intention. Instead, consider it is emphasis for conviction.

[Joli]

Actually I see many newly married couples arguing like mad and wonder WTF?

Originally Posted by Not Sure

I firmly believe that many older couples stay together simply because it is convenient...and comfortable, to do so....long after the love has faded. That is why you see older couples who argue with each other like cats and dogs.....all the time.

[sailorboy1]

I think posters need to read the last response from the OP before making some of the comments here.

This isn't really about sailing. It's just a bigger issue that some sailing was involved in.

As far as sailing plans with your wife goes; that was the heart of my "what do women what" thread a few months ago. If both partners can not respond they want "what my ..... wants" then it is time for them to get together more on the plans to get one that works for both. Read Anjous' recent expeience where it kind of came down to different thoughts as to what the cruising life was.